will i ever get there?

so ive not posted in ages, ive been cruuuuising round the baltic capitals.

and with the meals being all inclusive it was quite easy to eat regulary. apart from on the last day i binged. and then again when i got home. fuuuuck, here we go again.

although today was good. and hopefully i'll be starting a job as a dinner lady, so routineroutineroutine!!!

hitting the gym asap!

some thinspo because i am fed up of being a failure

i will post properly when my weight and diet is more acceptable!!!!

gabrielle
1. What did you want to be when you were little?
    a teacher

2. What outfit are you wearing right now?
   blue stripy pyjamas

3. Father or mother?
    mother

4. Dog or a cat person?
     catcatcat!!

5. If you could have a dinner party with five famous people, alive or dead, who would they be, and why?
    ooooh, good one. shakespeare!! erm zooey deschanel, because she is awesome, natalie portman (girl crush!) c.s. lewis and j.k. rowling - because i love them!

6. Describe yourself this year in three words.
     dying, recovering, struggling


7. Do you remember your childhood as: a) traumatic, b) blissful, or c) conventional?
     conventional


8. If tomorrow, you had to pick between taking a pill that would make you forever thin, or a pill that would make you forever happy, which pill would you take?
    forever thin, because then i would be happy or at least would have the time to focus on trying to make myself       happy without worrying about being thin


9. Your earliest memory?
          having to go to bed with socks on my hands to stop myself from scratching my chicken pox. i was  probably about three


10. Who do you miss at this moment in time?
     my boyfriend. my university friends. my friends from home that are away at university.


11. Who do you adore the most today?
       *soppy eyes* him <3


allison

why did you start blogging, and what are you trying to achieve with it?
    originally it was just like a place to vent. then i stopped. then i came back with the intention of losing weight and keeping a record of it

- what's your favorite music, TV show, color and food, and why?
      "indie" rocky stuff - it just appeals to me more. errrm, at the moment its Fresh Meat, its hilarious. Purple. Asian food is nom!

- what does a typical day look like in your life?
    at the moment, get up, take pills, shower, attempt to eat breakfast with as little binging as possible. go to the gym to work off over eating at breakfast. promising self that i wont binge. going out, buying loads of food. binging. not being able to purge. skipping dinner and annoying my mum. going to bed hating myself.
fun fuuuuun!!

- what's your biggest dream?
    to travel the world

- what scares you the most?
    being stuck in this town forever with a shit job and a shit house and getting fat

- do you want to lose weight, and what's your goal, and do you think you'd be happy there?
     yesss!!! 100 pounds and i know i will be happy there because i was happy there 2 times before

- what do you fear by losing weight?
not being able to stop again

- what do you think has made you wanting to lose weight?
ow self esteem, insecurities, distorted body image, competition, need for control

- can you describe yourself, and what you like about your appearance?
       erm... no.
       i quite like my hair colour, but thats from a bottle anyway

- how do you act among others?
     happier and more confident than i feel

- what do you do in your spare time?
     binge :(

fuckfuckfuck

today was going great, burned 300+ at the gym, didn't eat too much.
then i went to see Kate
she made me feel crap
i binged.

a tub of ice cream, 4 puff pastry mince pies, several packets of crisps and a few bowls of rice crispies.
what the fuck is wrong with me? that is so disgusting and messed up!!!
why is it that i get all worried about calories in a standard meal, and will freak out if theres a bit of cheese or something on it, but when i am in binge mode, any thing goes.
i refuse to let my mouth be a waste bin any more.
fatfatfatstupidfatfailure.

but Kate discharged me. i don't have to answer to her any more. i don't have to have my weekly lecture about "alarm bells" "slippery slope" and "sitting on the fence with one foot in your illness and one foot in recovery"

i feel so crap, i even cried. which never happens. probably because i am cutting down on my citalopram so i can wean myself onto venlafaxine.
i am just so unhappy at this weight.
i am going on the slimfast diet properly.
not eating anything apart from slimfast and soup.

i'll do this for the rest of the week. next tuesday i am going on a cruise with my friend G from hospital. hopefully that will kick start some more "normal" eating, although going to Dublin didn't really do that. I just wont buy any snacks so i never have food on me.

i think my goal of 100 pounds by new years eve is a bit unrealistic.
but i will get there one day soon, i promise.

11 things about me

for Nicole S.

Rules:

- When you receive the award, thank the person who gave it to you, and include their link in your blog.

- Post 11 things about yourself.

- Answer the 11 questions of the person who nominated you.

- Choose up to 11 bloggers with less than 200 followers.

- Create 11 questions for your nominees!

- Inform the nominees of their nomination. 

• I have dyed red hair
• I have three tattoos and counting
• I have a hamster called popcorn that my mum let me get after I tidied my room (I am 20, not 12!!)
• I went to University in Birmingham for a year and a term before I had to drop out
• I was an inpatient in an ED unit for 4 months, then a following 2 months in their intensive non residential unit
• I have traveled a little bit, but i have such itchy feet, I need more!! 
• I honestly think that I used to have a nutella addiction
• I am vegetarian
• I still sleep with my teddy bear from when I was a baby
• I am quite arty
• I used to be a dancer

1. Tell the story of your most embarrassing moment.
     oh god, do i really want to say?! erm, i suppose one is when i was in hospital and i dropped the jug i had  to pee in so they could measure my fluids all over the floor because i was too weak to hold it. it was like a litre jug and it was full. then i cried a lot.

2. Do you have any brothers or sisters? How many?
    i have one little brother

3. Talk about your hobbies/favorite activities.
     i like to read a lot. and go to the cinema. i love drawing, but only when it goes right, which isnt very often!

4. What's your dream job?
     something with children. like day care. in london.

5. What are some things you hope to accomplish before you die?
     to travel as much as possible! to get married and have a family. to live in london.

6. What was your favorite childhood TV show or movie?
     my fave movie is either Cinderella or Mary Poppins. TV show - Noddy or The Wild Thornberrys

7. If you could remove all the calories from any 1 food, what would it be?
     just one?! hmmm, butter, because thats in cake and flapjack etc! can i just choose puddings? :P or fat haha.

8. If you were a super hero, what would your super power be, and what would your super hero name be?
     i would be able to time travel, and i would be allowed to change things in the past to make the future good without any of that butterfly effect rubbish. and i would be called Xena

9. What does your ideal vacation look like?
     travetraveltravel. maybe a world cruise, or a massive road trip.

10. Describe the first time you ever drank alcohol or took drugs.
      gosh, i cant remember the first time i drank, i used to drink with my family when i was younger. the first time i took drugs, i could rip bongs better that all the guys there. and i remember loving the feeling!

11. What's your favorite thing about your home town?
      its in the countryside but very close to cities / bigger towns

i choose
ninaofthenight
Peridot
The Lovely Bones
waiting for repairs
sara.alexis
bella




my questions:
1. what is your guilty pleasure?
2. what animal would you be any why?
3. what is your favorite holiday? (christmas etc)
4. what talent do you wish you had?
5. if you could be any movie character, what would you be?
6. would you go into space if you could?
7. what is your favorite mythical creature?
8. if you could prevent one food from ever being invented/discovered, what would it be?
9. what is your favorite brand?
10. tea or coffee?
11.your favorite feature?

big fat failure

i refuse to have that stamped on me any more.

so my november weight loss plans went down the drain. 100lb by the end of november? no, try 114. although the scales did go up to 118 at one horrific point, so i think i've done okay to get back to 114 while still binging every now and then. talking of binging, i tried to make a plan - to have a planned controlled 1000 calorie binge, and then burn at least 500 at the gym. kind of went to plan. i burned the 500, but obviously the 1000 calories are now probably nearer 2 or 3 thousand as i binged after the gym too. genius.

i was thinking of maybe allowing myself one binge day a week. so i wont feel so guilty and then i can spend the rest of the week preparing for it. so that was today. we'll see how that goes.

i've bought some appetite controllers from boots. they have some fiber in them that swells to 50 times its original size so helps you feel full. hopefully they work they cost £25! i also have these other pills which seem to be working so far. just not fast enough!!

as citalopram isn't working for me, i've been prescribed venlafaxine. i'm hoping the transition to that might curb my appetite a bit.

last night i promised my boyfriend that i wouldn't cut anymore. i intend to keep that promise.
now i am promising you that i will be 100lb by new years eve, and that i will cut down my binging till i stop.

i fully intend to keep that promise too.

todaywillbegood

todaywillbegoodtodaywillbegoodtodaywillbegoodtodaywillbegoodtodaywillbegoodtodaywillbegoodtodaywillbegoodtodaywillbegoodtodaywillbegoodtodaywillbegoodtodaywillbegoodtodaywillbegoodtodaywillbegoodtodaywillbegoodtodaywillbegoodtodaywillbegoodtodaywillbegoodtodaywillbegoodtodaywillbegoodtodaywillbegoodtodaywillbegoodtodaywillbegoodtodaywillbegoodtodaywillbegoodtodaywillbegood




i do not need to binge.

so i will not.

mehh

ive eaten waaaaay to much, but not really a binge. could have been, but luckily my friend called me at just the right moment.
i guestimate ive eaten about 1300 calories so far today.
but i did a 20 min work out video and walked about 6 miles to my grandparents, so thats about -500 calories.

 hopefully going to the gym with R later too.

baby steps baby steps. but quick baby steps, because i am way too fat at the mo!!

in other news, i have a job. wait till you hear where.
oooh so funny... i am an official chip shoveller.
yup, i work in a fish and chip shop called the forum fryer.

woooo for reverse thinspo!! haha

this is war

My boyfriend wanted to start going to he gym to bulk up a bit. He worked out his bmi... He is 56kg with a bmi of just over 19 and an insanely high metabolism. The bastard! He declared war on his body and is trying to get to bmi 20 as soon as possible, he says Monday but I doubt that. He text me today saying he felt really sick after eating a slightly bigger breakfast. I told him I had just had a 5000 calorie binge. He said he was jealous. This is so fucked up. I too have declared war. Bmi 17, I am out to get you!

too fat and lazy for help

Kate said she's probably going to have to stop seeing me because I'm not making any progress. She said that my weight isn't scarily low and I have no motivation to recover. Aka, fat and lazy. This is bullshit. I have no idea what my weight is, I didn't look as it was up 5 pounds from yesterday's binge when I weighed this morning, then I binged again, so it would be something awful. Mainly because I still have food in me but still. my Now I am fat I don't need help obviously. also, I got my period a little bit for the first time in a. Year and a half, so my body fat percentage must be at least Fucking 20 Aaaaah! What the fuuuuuck. Tomorrow u start slimfast and my new diet pills. Sorry I haven't been commenting, haven't got my laptop and this phone is a bitch.

let's just forget yesterday and focus on today

because today has been good. slimfast vanilla shakes are the shizz, i am so buying a tub of that.

yesterday was baaaad. and the day before

i am sick of telling myself "tomorrow i will not binge"
always tomorrow never today 

so, today i will not binge. and i will tell myself that every day.

i've been feeling so ill and horrible. i had a migraine yesterday, so have the leftovers of that today. of course, the first thing my gran said to me when i got it "your headache begs the question - have you eaten properly today?"

fuck yoooooou!!

she came and saw kate (my therapist) with me on tuesday. i don't know what she expected to get out of it. it was basically just a free pass for her to bitch at me. the first thing i am doing when i get a job is moving out.

"ditch the cake you fools"

this is hilarious. i so wish i had her to tell me this every day. i am going to try and picture her every time i see a cake. dont be a fatty!
talking of which  - i am. ate faaaar too much today.

going to start on the healthy skinny girl diet.
900 cals tomorrow.

buuuut - i have lost weight. 2 kilos over a week - down to 51 now. not sure how, but i'm not complaining! better keep this up :) ive ordered some more diet pills and burned a lot at the gym today. ive also been doing a lot f squats and sits ups and the like at home, to try and build up the muscle as we all know that muscle burns fat

just keep going, just keep going!!!

hope you're all well :)

go go go!!!

i found this weightloss free trial!!!

he is my own personal drug

oooh his eyes. his smile.
the way he treats me like a princess.
how the fuck did i bag him?

seriously, he makes me feel high. everything is better when he is there.

he wasn't there today. and i was at home for a bit.

urrrgh food.

could have been a lot worse though.

going to start counting my calories again. safety in numbers!!!

this time last year ...

... i was in hospital for a week on a drip with "gastroenteritis" aka - i took too many laxatives.

now, i am still abusing laxatives.

but the difference?

then i weighed 85 pounds.

now, i am fat.

fatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfat.

i feel so unhealthy. i suppose a solid month of binging will do that to a person.
i have a band of fat around my stomach.
my nice tiny waist has all gone.
i am so bloated.
i am dehydrated.
my immunity is fucked.
i have the worst cold and can hardly breathe.
my skin is awful .

a month

i cant remember the last day i followed a meal plan. i cant remember the last day i had three proper meals.
its just fat. pure, squidgy, holdable, wobbly fat. i wouldnt be so mad if my weight had gone in muscle mass. i need a body stat doing to scare myself. i hate to think what my body fat percentage it. in july it was about 11. in july i was 100 pounds. in july i was happy.

in july i was perfect.

i could have skipped dinner

my grandparents went out.

i could have not eaten all day and they wouldn't have known.

but of course i binged.

i will STOP stealing other peoples food.

haaaaaaate myself!!!!!!!!

Crazy isn't being broken, or swallowing a dark secret. It's you, or me, amplified.

This is exactly what i want to look like. my hair is already that colour, it used to be that length but i had to cut it because it became as thin as smoke. my face actually looks a bit like that too. ENVY! and i need to see my hipbones looking like that again. its like a drug.  i crave it. unfortunately i crave food too. i just need to work on letting my cravings for hipbones and perfection grow bigger than my cravings for food. eventually.

i kind of binged today. but not really. i ate a lot, but not as much as it could have been. porridge for breakfast made with water. i was meant to have a driving lesson but that got cancelled. so i was a fool and went home for a bit. three bowls of muesli and water, a packet of monster munch, a packet of quavers a nakd banana bread bar and about 10 biscuits(garibalidi and a few custard creams (maybe less)

fooooking fatty. im going to try and get away with the lowest calorie soup tonight. i am going to start writing food plans and counting calories again.

on the plus side, i burned about 500 cals at the gym, and did a LOT of walking on top of that. still no excuse

getting there ...

again with the no binging - teetered on the brink of it though. ate a lot but not a binge.

i've lost a couple of pounds, its hard to tell on non digital scales. they said around 110 i think. so thats down about 3-4 pounds (yeah it went up the first week of november instead of down, but hopefully will keep on going down)

i watched a documentary (dying to be anorexic) and this scientist person was giving this girl tips on calories. she said that at 300 calories your metabolism is so slow that fat loss hardly happens, in fact anything under 1000 does that. so its best to eat at least 1000 and exercise.

i don't know how many i've been eating lately, don't think i really want to know. as long as its not a binge. slowly slowly cutting down. it'll have been under 2000 for sure the last couple of days though. i will start counting again next week.

although my gran is coming to see kate with me (my eating disorder therapist). that might put a spanner in the works when she starts banging on about 3 meals and 3 snacks a day. i'll have to try and get away with fruit for snacks. and i cook my own meals so that'll be noodle free stir frys and soup for me thanks!

i need to stay away from this lush bread that my gran bought with seeds and raisins. i said a couple of weeks ago that i was giving up bread!! ryvitasryvitasryvitas!!!!

i will get there eventually.

these empty days are too full of hours

i haven't binged today. woo.

i ate more than i intended to, and nearly cracked once or twice but i managed to keep a check on it.

i burned 350 ish calories at the gym and did a lot of extra walking.
it's a long walk from the bus stop down the country lane to my grandparents house. i found a sheep with its head stuck in a fence that i spent a long time trying to rescue. luckily my granddad came and sorted him out.

i am soooooo ill, it's horrendous. my head is filled with saw dust and i constantly feel sick, although no such luck there.

i saw my boy last night. he is my own personal sunshine. he hugged me tight, kissed my scars, whispered words into my ears and made me melt.

he is criminally sexy, and oh, those eyes. i could drown in those eyes. those deep, blue eyes.

i feel like a pig shat in my head

bloody sleeping tablets, diazepam, cold, screaming, crying myself to sleep, binging, self hatred.

sooooo, last night my gran went batshit crazy when at half 7 she presented me with a dinner i DID NOT want (or know she was cooking for that matter) and i told her i already ate as we eat at 6.

she instantly hit the roof.

"you're a shit. just eat it. eat it or fuck off"

so i went upstairs to my room followed by screams of "you're a shit, you just use people, fuck off"

she was drunk. which i told her to her face and she couldn't hack it.

just went on and on about how such a bad person i am. i cant live in the real world. i need to stop being depressed and start living in the real world. everyone else can deal with it, why cant i? so as she was there reeling off a list of all the reasons i hate myself, i thought "would she be happy if i was dead?"

so i said "thats a nice way to speak to someone who is suicidal, should i just kill myself?"

she told me to go ahead.
i dont think she thought i was in the tiniest bit serious till she saw my cuts and scars this morning. i made a point of not covering them up entirely.

of course, all love and hugs this morning "we can do it"

she's so polarized. such a fucking storm

so children what's the number one rule?

thats right! fasting leads to binging.

well. fucking.done.

i am going to live with my grandparents for a week or so to try and get a change of scenery and to break this fucking cycle.

i need a kick up the backside, my mum wont do that, my gran sure as hell will.
i think i'll be way too scared to binge there.

i just need to break the cycle, get my head sorted out and then try again at home.

i'm going out tonight dressed as a pirate.
its bloody freezing but hopefully the cold will burn some kcals!

baby steps

so i tried to keep my fast from yesterday going.

but i'm not used to being hungry so i was going to have one piece of bread with jam (why?!! i dont know - its on my banned list!!!!)
so that turned into 4 pieces, but the jam is all gone now, so no more temptation from that.
and a large bowl of alpen.

meeeeehh.
a large breakfast but not as large as a binge.

i could count the cereal as my breakfast, 2 bits of bread for lunch and the other 2 for dinner.
i will have to have dinner tonight if my mums in (and i'm going drinking tonight) but i should be able to get away with soup.

on the plus side - it didnt turn into a massive binge and the scales said i was down 2 pounds this morning. not getting too excited about that yet as thats probably just emptiness rather than weight loss.

we shall see what tomorrow brings.

wish me luck and strength for the rest of the day!!!

empty stomach, clear mind

all that has passed my lips today is 3 cups of coffee with a little almond milk, squash, pills, supplements and smoke.

its amazing how much more focused i am when i am not a mindless zombie eating everything in sight.
i slept a lot today.
i don't feel as hungry as i do when i eat.

it's getting cold. the cold wakes me up, makes me feel more alive. makes me feel something which is nice. the razor brings comfort with the blood, but no wake up call from the pain. just the initial scratch and then nothing. i need the pain.

my mum tried to make me eat dinner but i convinced her that i binged so i didn't have anything.

i was tempted, but i did not give in.

bingeingisacopingmechanismthatidonotneedbingeingisacopingmechanismthatidonotneedbingeingisacopingmechanismthatidonotneedbingeingisacopingmechanismthatidonotneedbingeingisacopingmechanismthatidonotneedbingeingisacopingmechanismthatidonotneed

why not speed up the inevitable?

so last night my mum caught me curled up on the floor with my eyes closed having a panic attack and holding a packet of diazepam.

it was all i could do not to take them all. its all i could do not to run upstairs and jam my razor as deep into my wrists as it could go, drag it down my arm and drag me down with it.

she hates seeing me like this, so i told her that i was planning on losing weight. 10 pounds or so. i think she would rather that than me killing myself.

BANNED FOOD

• Chocolate (although i havent eaten that for months and dont have a problem avoiding it, it disgusts me)
• Bread
• Cakes
• Cereal that isn't mine
• Biscuits
• Crisps
• Cookies
• Doughnuts
• Cheese
• Butter/spread
• Pastries
• Flapjack
• Full fat milk
• Jam

do not eat food that isn't "low fat"
do not eat alone
do not buy food alone
do not eat food that isn't mine
do not eat food unless sitting down
do not eat food unless off a plate
do not eat food mindlessly
do not eat.

whoever invented junk food needs to be shot.

i swear i can see my thighs expanding.

yesterday was okay. today was AWFUL lets just leave it at that. no binge free sticker for me today. fuckfuckfuckfailurefuck.

i actually want to die(?) right now. cutting just isnt enough. my pills just numb the pain so i suppose bingeing is my form of self harm at the moment. it seems i need something. so from today i am replacing my food with razors and cigarettes.

i stayed at a friends last night, so i couldnt see all my motivational stuff when i woke up. i'm home now. tomorrow will be good. gym gym gym. i think my mum is at work tomorrow so i can skip breakfast and hopefully lunch. i could pretend to her that ive binged and skip dinner as well.

so it seems that at the moment, the only thing standing in my way of fasting myself to 100 pounds is myself. my inner fatty has been unleashed far too long. t was okay when i was on weight restoration, but i am waaaaay past my target weight. fatty is going back in her box.

tomorrow is a new day. and tomorrow will be good. and so will the say after that, and every day after that until the girl in the mirror looks like she is supposed to.

i am going to write a list of challenges that i will pick at random each night for the next day. i will start calorie counting again. safety in numbers.

tomorrow i will fast. i felt so good this morning with a nice empty flat(ter) stomach. i need to see my hip bones protruding again. they are gorgeous.

i am going clubbing next saturday. i need to have lots at least 3 pounds by then - thats do-able. baby steps.

This is our decision, to live fast and die young. We've got the vision, now let's have some fun.

i feel so motivated.

its great knowing there's someone out there feeling exactly the same as you , who you can work with to push yourself to perfection. ninaofthenight, lets do this!!!

the rest of this week might be a bit awkward - my mum has it off work so is home all the time. although she knows i've been bingeing so is on the lookout for that and is fine with my fridge full of vegetables and me having my own cupboard for my food so i dont have the temptation.

but i could use this to my advantage. pretend i've binged so i can skip dinner, or have as little as possible.

her being home also means i cant weigh myself till the weekend. which might be good as i have so much water retention at the moment from taking to many laxatives every day for over a week.

i'm gonna get up, try to avoid breakfast and go to the gym.

must. stay. positive.
must. stay. on. track.

i'm banning myself from bread

and jam for that matter.

109.8 what the fuuuuuuck?!!!!!

Breakfast (fail) - 40g Ready Brek
                          150ml almond milk
                          2 slices Hovis best of both
                          3 tablespoons rum and raisin marmalade

i was so hungry :( could have been worse i suppose.

update.

burned 300 calories at the gym. then had the most abhorrent binge.
i'm talking; 4 cupcakes, 3 bags of crisps, 8 custard creams and 4 bowls of cereal. oh and some laughing cow cheese.

i NEED to get on top of this. tomorrow will be good, i'll go to the gym in the morning, try and skip breakfast or at least lunch, then going to my friend from hospital (G) in the evening to go trick or treating with her nephews.

i suppose i should think about how yesterday was okay-ish. i've done 2 non binge days, but never 2 in a row. i need to build up to them, because i dont think its going to work just going cold turkey. i dunno maybe it will. but i cant just fast. i need to make sure i start having proper meals, then slowly reduce them till i can fast, or at least be in the below 1000 calorie range, below 800 would be better, 500 perfect. but i need to shrink my stomach back.

my therapist says its because i became such an expert at repressing my hunger, that my body doesn't trust me if i don't feed it regularly, so restricting will lead to a binge. so i just need to chip away at my intake. slowly reducing until i can master my hunger repression again and then i can restrict.

i need to get to 100 pounds, i dont know how long it will take me to get there. i'm hoping by my holiday in the beginning of december. 10 pounds in a month? i could certainly do it before ...

i'm up for a challenge, anyone else game?

mindfulness

we learnt it in hospital.

i thought it was shit but now i need it.

i am practising mindful eating.

i have a crystal to rub when i want to binge.

such a contrast to this time last year. then, i couldnt stop NOT eating, now i cant stop EATING.

fuck sake.

breakfast went well.

i am going to try and update this after each time i eat.

as a deterrent to binge.

because i dont want you guys seeing what a fatty i am!!!!

wish me luck!!

Breakfast- 25g Quakers porridge oats
                 150ml almond milk

Lunch - 1 cup home made pumpkin soup
             1 dark rye ryvita
             200ml easiyo low fat cherry yougurt.

Dinner - Pizza hut veg pizzaetta
             1/2 scoop ice cream
              2 Belvita yogurt biscuits

             Horlicks

estimated total - 1600

i cant believe how much pizza i ate.i chose the lowest calorie one - they do a range under 500, and have the calories on the menu. i wasnt planning on pizza, but went to the cinema with my boy and ended up there.

i didnt binge!!! i felt so anxious all day though. and i really wanted to binge.

i still feel disgusting about my intake. hopefully the horse riding, walking and sexy time burned a bit of that off.

well today WAS going good ...

yogurt for breakfast.

slim a soup for lunch.

then i decided to have dessert ... FAIL!!

started off as a bit more yogurt.

then i wanted a slice of bread and lemon curd.

4 slices and almost a whole pot of curd later, i hate myself even more.

about to use the oracle ...

thats what it feels like each time i step on the scales.

they rule me. instil the fear of god in me. can lift me higher than the world, or bring me crashing painfully back down. they rule my life and i worship them. i need to start using them everyday, now that i know where mum hides them

i am scared today. i am sure that whatever number it spits out at my, the digital display will merge into the words "FAT". I fasted until the evening yesterday, when i promptly ate 9 stollen bites, 5 custard doughnuts, 4 packets of crisps and a whole jar of peanut butter.

then about 8 laxatives of course.

i hate myself.



109.4.

what the fuck?! how could i let myself get so fucking fat?? unacceptable.
today, i change with the clocks.
backwards.
freedom.
perfection.
acceptance. 
happiness.

irish coffee is food porn

been in Dublin all week

was amazing, everyone is so friendly there!

went with my room mate from hospital.

she is so much thinner than me. thinspothinspothinspo!!

i am going on a cruise in december with her and my second roomie after she left. i need to have things in control then. i WILL NOT be any higher than 100 pounds.

i binged today, but thats the first time this week.
and the last.

i have bought some diet pills and i'm going to start taking them tomorrow - i am not going to waste the money i spent on them!!

also - my ab toner belt is amazing.

here i go again!!!!

i.hate.myself.

i miss this

i used to look like that.

not now.

i am so fat.

i have ordered diet pills and a slendertone.

i am not eating until dinner tomorrow with my friends.

next week will be perfect. i am spending it with my friend from hospital. she will get me back on track.

i will be skinny again

dreaming ...

i just wanna fall asleep for days.

dream of wind and feathers and leaves.

and wake up when i am skinny again.

my body drags me down. i want to fly. i hate it.

i need to float. i need to be light and airy.

i need it.

hmmmmm.

yesterday was awesome.

laxatives, gym and fasting made my belly nice and flat this morning and the scales read a slightly more bearable 103.8.

then this morning i binged. fuck fuck fuck. its because i had breakfast. if i skip breakfast then my hunger just seems to go away and the rest of the day is fine. but i look a load of extra vitamins  supplements and whatnot this morning so i thought i shouldn't really do it on an empty stomach, and a driving lesson later on an empty stomach might not be so good.

fuck it. breakfast ALWAYS leads to binges.

so - simple - no more breakfast while i can get away with it.

i am so hitting up the gym later. need to get my monies worth!!!

boom baby!

success!!

all i ate today was a 90 calorie soup.

i burned 550 plus cals at the gym.

i feel great!

i wanna say i'm back, but i don't want to jinx it!

i think it was the disgust i felt on the scales this morning. 107.8.

ewwww.

ewww.fucking.ewwww.

i will get back under control.

today

WILL be good. i promise.

i will only have almond milk and soup.

i CAN do this.

i bet all this binging is my EDs way of paying me back for rejecting it. i cant cope without it. i am literally uncontrollable around food. i need my perfect self discipline back. i need my ED to control my food for me, and to keep me safe.

warning - proceed with caution.

November 2010 - 120 pounds (ish) Goal weight - 100 pounds.

Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end: then stop.

I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle!

 

It was much pleasanter at home, when one wasn't always growing larger and smaller, and being ordered about by mice and rabbits

July 2011 - 100 pounds - GW achieved. Stop???

apparently not ...

March 2012 - 4 days into hospital admission. Admission weight 71 pounds

It was much pleasanter at home, when one wasn't always growing larger and smaller, and being ordered about by mice and rabbits

 

Alice laughed. "There's no use trying," she said: "one can't believe impossible things."
"I daresay you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast." 

October 2012. About 103 pounds. Happy :)

Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.

i'm about to post something which i am doubtful about.
it is very personal.
and triggering.
but the message is strong.

i'm not sure if i'll leave it up for long.

much love <3

actually, fuck this!

i am fed up of being a weakling.

i shall stop being a fatty and giving into my cravings.

i haven said this so many times to myself, but now i mean it. no more binges.



i used to love the feeling of being empty and hungry and light.
i am going to get used to it again.
i am going to get my will power back.

i am going on a liquid/baby food diet during the day, and will eat a small meal at dinner - preferably soup or stir fry, and yogurt.

i will be 100 pounds again.

i'm gonna wake up so fat tomorrow.

weighing myself tomorrow - the day when mother "allows" me the scales. little does she know that i know where she hides them and frequently whack them out. But I haven't in a while, and boy am i scared. Been binging like a mo-fo recently.

I think I have some abhorrent fear of being hungry. I suppose my body doesn't trust me from when it was hungry 24/7. So now, even if i get the teeeeeniest bit hungry - not like i've been fasting, something ridiculous like a couple of hours after breakfast or something - my body is like "shit! i'm gonna die! must eat all the food in sight!!".

and once i pop, i just cant stop.

its honestly like i'm possessed.

hopefully though, if the weight gain is bearable, it might ward off the binging. "listening" to my body telling me that it needs more food (fuck off does it) so then i can practice regular eating at a higher weight, then change back to a weight that i am happy about.

oooh i sound like a great "recovering" girl don't it?! meh.

i suppose i should start doing what they taught me to do for 6 months and eat decent meals regularly with snacks inbetween to prevent hunger pangs and binges.

i just cba!

"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"

"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.

"I don't much care where-" said Alice.

 "Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.

"-so long as i get SOMEWHERE," Alice added as an explanation.

"Oh, you're sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."

 

 

 

 

I can see the path that I am treading, and it is a dangerous one.

Binges.

 

Binge, binge, binge.

 

I succeeded, for the first time the other day to finally make myself sick.

Now that I am armed with that knowledge, I can see the rickety, wooden bridge that I am standing on start to crumble.

I always seem to have to do something self destructive.

My eating went well yesterday, but I was overwhelmed with the desire to cut myself. It was all consuming. I was shaking.

So I popped a Diazepam, pinched myself, picked at a few scabs and had a bath.

 

I would have cried if my antidepressants didn't numb me so much.

 

My therapist says that it is just one form of self harm replacing another.

If it isn't binging, it is cutting. 

And binging will only lead to restricting and obsessive exercising, something which is beginning to happen.

 

So another rope on my bridge begins to fray.

 

Where do I go from here?

Why do all my coping mechanism have to be so self destructive. 

empty words, promises and teachings

we'll teach you how to live.

we will teach you how to cope, how to be, how to accept yourself.

we will teach you how to be normal, although we cannot tell you what that is.


but, be strong, because we will not always practise what we preach. we will eat carb free stir frys infront of you. use one pat of butter on two pieces of toast, while we watch you scrape out every last morsel of your two.

but we will say that it is you that needs to learn these ways, not us. you are on weight restoration not us. so sit there and eat your disgusting hospital food. we will pretend that it is "medicine" while we eat our lovely healthy, home cooked meals.

we will pretend that we understand. comfort you that it is hard when you cry. tell you that you probably couldn't eat that much yourself. but when you are angry and try to refuse, we will shout at you. say "don't be silly, are you really going to let a piece of toast beat you?"

we will pretend to be your friend and to hate your eating disorder, but it will be a fine line if you can trust us, for we will use anything you tell us against you - whether to challenge your eating disorder or not. because, although we tell you it is not you, it is just something you have, we cannot always distinguish the two.

if it is something you have, not something you are, surely you can just get rid of it, yeah?

one nurse described it as a little pet. "you can't live your life and continue to nurture your eating disorder like a little pet" like a snake, that binds itself around you. or a scarily beautiful big cat, that strikes you down at your weakest.

i am grateful. they showed me the path to a new light. but it is a rough path, that i often fell off, and was roughly pushed back onto by them, bruising and scratching me.


at least i no longer take an hour and a half and several screaming fits to finish my dinner ...

Recovery? what is this shit?

6 months of hospital treatment. 4 months as an in patient, living like a child, 2 months as an outpatient, feeling like i've moved on to "big school".

do i feel much different? other than the fact that i don't feel like i am going to drop dead any second not really. sure, i am armed with all sorts of knowledge, but at the moment i don't want to use it.



more soon ...

Fire burn, and caldron bubble. Something wicked this way comes

i might be away for a while ...

so; I've been waking up each day with a growing sense of impending... badness - is the only way to describe it. like dread, and fear. one; of food, and 2; that something bad is just going to happen.

i thought i came close to being admitted to general hospital on friday - i had an appointment with my GP who i hadn't seen in a couple of weeks (she knows about my eating disorder - ugh i still hate that label. anorexia is a worse label i think though. that stings).  i just went because she wanted to do regular general check ups on me, and i was going to ask about antidepressants. anyways - she over reacted again when she saw i had lost more weight, and made me go to the hospital for more blood tests and an ECG - which were all fine and a waste of time. the only thing that came out of it is that the hospital phoned the clinic that i have been on the waiting list for, and came back and told me that I'm top of the waiting list - which may or may not have come from them calling - i dunno.

they called today.

I'm going in tomorrow.

I'm scared.

i know this is the best thing for me, but i am still terrified.

i think it made it worse how sudden it was, like they literally called today and asked if i could be there for 10.00 tomorrow morning. the first thing that came into my head was about all the food in the fridge that's mine and will go off and will have to be thrown away - HATE throwing food away, even though its mainly fruit, soy milk etc, makes me feel so guilty. so there was nearly a panic binge there. i felt i did binge, but it was mainly grapes and a few nuts. not too bad i think.

sooooo. shit. need to pack.

dunno what happens about the internet - i can take my laptop and phone and stuff, but i don't have a dongle, and i only use wireless on my phone atm as my contract hasn't been renewed to have mobile internet.

oooh panic, i don't know what to pack.

i have to eat 6 meals a day.

haven't even had the chance to break up with my boyfriend yet.

omg omg omg.

my head is going crazy. i am so scared.

Now you're just somebody that I used to know

But my heart, it don't beat, it don't beat the way it used to.
And my eyes, they don't see you no more.
And my lips, they don't kiss, they don't kiss the way they used to, and my eyes don't recognise you no more.

 Over three and a half years. Could this be the end? Is it all my fault? Probably. But he would be better off without me. maybe, right now, I'm better off without him. I haven't seen him since valentines day. even though he now lives in town rather than half an hour away. I only know that he was camping with friends this weekend because it was on facebook. The last time he text me was on Thursday.

"Hey sorry i really cant be arsed to come round tonight. What you doing Sunday? xxxxxx"

The kisses mean nothing - there are always loads. I told him I was going to my grandparents then, and I've had no reply since. The night before i told him i might be going on antidepressants. I think he might be burying his head in the sand.

I think at least a break would be a good idea.

And the sad thing? I think I'm okay with it. Maybe it's my numbed emotions, but a year or so ago, I could have married him. Now he just annoys me. I don't think I can see him being in my life forever. To be honest - I've already missed out on quite a lot of the "classic" parts of being young free and single. Never had a one night stand. Not even ever been to a club when I was single. And now I'm basically bed bound and not at uni for the moment, I'm missing out even more.

Am i being selfish?

I don't think we've been working out for a while.

He basically hasn't had a girlfriend for ages anyway - he'd have more fun without me. I have more of a relationship with food.

Last night I was talking about this with my mum. Talking about ending a three and a half + year relationship, and suddenly all i could think about and care about was pick n mix. I'm going to get one blackcurrant fruit jelly maybe a pineapple one, a black jelly baby and gummy cherry.

Then break up with my boyfriend.

I'm so weird.

Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do

More than anything I want to see you grow,

Take a glorious bite out of the whole world