bloody sleeping tablets, diazepam, cold, screaming, crying myself to sleep, binging, self hatred.
sooooo, last night my gran went batshit crazy when at half 7 she presented me with a dinner i DID NOT want (or know she was cooking for that matter) and i told her i already ate as we eat at 6.
she instantly hit the roof.
"you're a shit. just eat it. eat it or fuck off"
so i went upstairs to my room followed by screams of "you're a shit, you just use people, fuck off"
she was drunk. which i told her to her face and she couldn't hack it.
just went on and on about how such a bad person i am. i cant live in the real world. i need to stop being depressed and start living in the real world. everyone else can deal with it, why cant i? so as she was there reeling off a list of all the reasons i hate myself, i thought "would she be happy if i was dead?"
so i said "thats a nice way to speak to someone who is suicidal, should i just kill myself?"
she told me to go ahead.
i dont think she thought i was in the tiniest bit serious till she saw my cuts and scars this morning. i made a point of not covering them up entirely.
of course, all love and hugs this morning "we can do it"
she's so polarized. such a fucking storm
Coffee and smokes and cold Diet Cokes are what pretty girls are made of. x. Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss you will land among the stars.
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she sounds similar to my dad, who, for one example of many, once threw me out the car, spat at me, told me i wasnt his daughter anymore, drove off, came back, tried to hug me and tell me he loved me.
ReplyDeleteWHERE IS THE CONSISTENCY in these people?!
Love you!!
Im going to wait until I have not binged for a few days and then can buy some sort of homegym thing as a reward xxxx