i swear i can see my thighs expanding.
yesterday was okay. today was AWFUL lets just leave it at that. no binge free sticker for me today. fuckfuckfuckfailurefuck.
i actually want to die(?) right now. cutting just isnt enough. my pills just numb the pain so i suppose bingeing is my form of self harm at the moment. it seems i need something. so from today i am replacing my food with razors and cigarettes.
i stayed at a friends last night, so i couldnt see all my motivational stuff when i woke up. i'm home now. tomorrow will be good. gym gym gym. i think my mum is at work tomorrow so i can skip breakfast and hopefully lunch. i could pretend to her that ive binged and skip dinner as well.
so it seems that at the moment, the only thing standing in my way of fasting myself to 100 pounds is myself. my inner fatty has been unleashed far too long. t was okay when i was on weight restoration, but i am waaaaay past my target weight. fatty is going back in her box.
tomorrow is a new day. and tomorrow will be good. and so will the say after that, and every day after that until the girl in the mirror looks like she is supposed to.
i am going to write a list of challenges that i will pick at random each night for the next day. i will start calorie counting again. safety in numbers.
tomorrow i will fast. i felt so good this morning with a nice empty flat(ter) stomach. i need to see my hip bones protruding again. they are gorgeous.
i am going clubbing next saturday. i need to have lots at least 3 pounds by then - thats do-able. baby steps.
Coffee and smokes and cold Diet Cokes are what pretty girls are made of. x. Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss you will land among the stars.
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hey lovely, im sorry your first day was tough for you, but you will get there tomorrow. i bought a book on bulimia and binging and how to stop (im ignoring the healthy eating bits) and the biggest thing it said was to challenge the negative thoughts - so rather than: I suck, I binged and I'm never going to get there, try to think: binging is my coping mechanism, i was feeling really low today, tomorrow i will try and cope in a different way?
ReplyDeleteit helped me to just chant, binging is a coping mechanism that i don't need (because i self-harm like you too/ starve/ all coping mechanisms)
love you xxx
Sorry to hear today went badly. Like Nina said, try to chant something that works for you, gets you thinking. When my cravings hit, since that's what starts my binges, I tell myself: it isn't like I will never have another chance to have it, I don't need it now. And I chant: be strong like before. If cravings are what start your binges, try to keep in mind that cravings roughly last about 20min. Just think of it as two 10min and try to hold off. I still have my troubles though but it's working more and more.
ReplyDeleteAlso, when you are thinking about eating, instead've telling yourself you can't have that,try saying: I don't have that. See if that helps.
Best wishes hun. You can beat it! <3