Coffee and smokes and cold Diet Cokes are what pretty girls are made of. x. Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss you will land among the stars.

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Thursday 27 January 2011

Am I a bad person?

If someone; let's just say a certain "someone" who happened to be my best friend to such a level that we travelled together, are attending uni together and planned on moving in together- stopped talking to me for several months, over a reason that was apparently my fault (although the reason was never mentioned, and the only thing I can think of is a childishly petty thing to loose a best friend over) then started talking to me again, and I feel as if I have been wrongly neglected for so long that I don't want to talk to her again, does that make me an inconsiderate bitch

Sure, I could look at it this way: she is forgiving me for whatever apparent heinous crime that I committed, and I should be grateful.
However, seeing as I was never informed of this crime, how can I be expected to apologise for it? And I would have apologised if it was the fact that I got a teeensy bit drunk and forgot to tell her what time I was leaving for a party (2mins walking distance away) - if she had told me that was the problem. And if she hadn't have left it for nearly 4 months.

How can you be expected to just pick it back up with someone after that long? I feel like she broke up with me! And now we are going to be in a pre-booked situation in which we will most likely be given the opportunity to talk.

But I don't think that I want to.

Sure, I would love to have what we have before, but she had changed so much anyway that I don't think that's at all possible. Anyway, why is it up to her when we an suddenly become friends again? And is she just going to pretend like it never happened? Because I don't think that I will be able to do that, and that will make me seem like the bitch.

And now I'm a whiner.

Wednesday 19 January 2011

If only there was a degree in procrastination...

–verb (used without object)
1.
to defer action; delay: to procrastinate until an opportunity is lost.
Surely me writing this is another signal to myself that I should get on with my work, but no, I seem to be an expert in discovering absolutely anything to do - other than what I should be doing. 
For example, today, instead of getting on with a report and seminar preparation, I have :
  • Spent an unhealthy amount of time on Facebook (no changes there. Despite me being consciously aware of how completely un-stimulating it is, I can not help but scroll down the endless list of random snippets of the lives of people I hardly know.)
  • Made countless adventures to the kitchen to make green tea (because I have "nothing else to do")
  • Found a website that streams all episodes of Desperate Housewives (because you can never watch too much of that)
  • Stared out of my window at by passers.
  • Played with Blu-tac.
  • Scrolled through a large amount of embarrassingly drunken photos of myself and my friends (mainly ones of myself, as my friends are lovely enough to document every cringe-worthy moment, while I live by the philosophy that a camera is not your friend on a night out, and why would you want to spend time with someone that doesn't like you?)
  • And countless other "productive" activities.
Tooooo be fair, I am in a lull; having finished my last exam of this term on Monday, and having the rest of the week "off" while everyone else finishes their exams, I feel like I do not need to work. But I know I should, and I am sure that I will regret even writing this post when I am rushing to finish my assignment at 3am the night before it is due in. Fuuuuun.
On another note: Harry Potter themed night at Club Oceana tomorrow, YUSSSSS!!

Tuesday 18 January 2011

"Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, and therefore is winged Cupid painted blind".

A lil' bit of writing :) Two years ago in some of the first As level English Literature classes I ever took, my teacher presented us with the assignment to write the opening of a book; no more and less than a page.
I have always fantasised with the idea of writing a novel, and many childish attempts have been mercilessly abandoned half way through. But this was different. I became so engrossed with the characters and the story that began to grow in my head that I couldn't stop myself from continuing. So far i have large bodies of writing that create the rough skeleton of a story that I hope with all my being will one day be read by a stranger why bought it bound in book format from a little shop.
I think it captured me so much because it is semi-autobiographical - in the sense that some of the events happened pretty much exactly as I have written them, while the majority are manifestations of my imagination of what could have happened if I wasn't saved.
Anyway, this is the opening that I wrote all those days ago; the seed which I hope to nurture and nourish.
Don't go-a-stealing it, it's mine :)



I had always hated hospitals. This one was no better, in fact, it was worse. An infinite labyrinth of starkly white corridors, haunted by the smell of lingering bleach. Rows of closed doors, behind which strangers led their exclusively private lives, shunning any contact from the outside world. On and on the nurse led me, the squeaking of her ludicrous plastic clogs being the only soundtrack to my passage. A nameless security guard with empty eyes, but an obviously full holster, reeled off a list of forbidden objects that I was to abandon if I wished to go any further. I hesitantly obliged, wondering, as I removed my shoes, belt, jewellery and any other sturdy items, if I was even inclined to take another step. I knew that I didn’t have to be there; with one swift movement I could simple turn and leave this place, this mess. But I could never do that. For possibly the first time in my life, someone needed me as much as I needed them.
“Are you ready?” It was the nurse who spoke, her kindly voice so out of context with the surroundings that it shocked me. Taking a deep breath and nodding, I took that vital step forwards. Without really noticing, I floated under the menacing metal detector and turned the corner, until suddenly I found myself at the beginning of a suffocating corridor concluding in her locked and guarded door. With each step that I took I seemed to get no nearer to my destination; everything seemed so unreal. The nurse turned to me, her attractive face disfigured with telling lines of stress and worry.
“You may notice a slight … difference about her.” She said as she unlocked the door, the resolute click alerting me to the fact that I still had not released that breath and was beginning to feel dizzy and nauseous. “We’re sorry to have to ask you to do this, we wouldn’t normally ask, but she’s refused to utter a word to anyone since she’s been here. Well, I suppose she has. Just a single word; your name. Over and over again. It’s the only thing she’ll ever say. Odd, really.” She paused. “When you’re ready, go in.”
I nodded again, imitating the cheap plastic dog that perched on my car dashboard as I digested this information. It seemed absurd to me that I could be summoned so easily. The force of one solitary word was enough to drag me from the reality that I had worked so hard to regain.
I could hear the faint metallic chinking of the handcuffs bound about her slender wrists. Ignoring my warped stomach and manic shivering, I approached the open door, behind which, currently cloaked in mystery, lay the padded cell that held her captive. Trying so hard to imagine her as she was; her glossy hair, bubbly smile, those endless eyes without the pain, and smooth, pale skin, devoid of those terrible “cat scratches”, I stepped though the door; through the portal that would lead me into a world I always knew existed, but never dreamed would be entwined so closely to my own.

Tuesday 11 January 2011

my grandmother gave me a "candle lighter" for christmas ...

does she even know me? well, probably not very well considering she's the "weird" grandmother on my dad's side who we only visit twice a year, but come on! who wants a candle lighter as a Christmas present? it's just a regular lighter, but longer. and she left the £1.99 price sticker on it, thanks!
okay, that sounds a bit ungrateful, but she had said that she was going to give us money this year, so that we could choose something nice for ourselves (which, given her track record of tacky gifts for children half my age, was great!) soooo, she gave me a nice card with 50 quid in it. and a candle lighter...

but, i got a lush camera by combining her xmas money with that of other distant relatives (all of my grandparents have divorced and re-married - i get a great yield of xmas and birthday money). yaaaay,camera :) it's like a not so good SLR (it's not an SLR, it's an impostor, but i think it's a pretty darn good changeling of one)