I am writing this letter to you because I don't know who else to talk to. I feel that I need to talk to somebody, but I don't know who. I thought that I could do this on my own, but I don't think that I can; so I am writing to you, because you can't get hurt by what I am about to tell you.
I am not really sure how to begin. I have a secret. I suppose it is a problem. I don't really know how best to explain it. Can you work it out roughly if i tell you my weight? I weigh about seven stone. Actually, today the scales said six stone thirteen.
Do you see now? It's a problem with my weight, and eating, and my general ways of thinking. But don't just stop there, because there is so much more to explain. Let me tell you the story.
Summer-time last year I found a website that you can track your weight and calories in. There is a massive database of food and it makes you pretty graphs of how much you ate and how much you weigh. I restricted my calories to about 1500, and lost a couple of pounds. I didn't use the website very often. I think it began to get worse at the beginning of this year - my new years resolution was to lose any weight I put on over Christmas. So I went to Tesco as soon as possible and bought a pot of Adios extra. I swallowed three of those little pills every fay for about a month, as well as "eating healthier". I was just restricting calories. I began using the calorie calculator website everyday, and weighing myself every day. I don't know how much I lost, because I didn't weigh myself very often last year, so don't know what i started at.
I then eased off for a bit. I used to have baking days with my best friends at uni - J and B. J and I decided to go on a health kick. We looked for "healthier" cake recipes and ate loads of fruit and vegetables. We decided to wait until we lost a couple of pounds and then have a "pig out day", so it wouldn't matter so much. I wasn't counting calories then, but still cared - I have done forever.
I had a piggy month or so, visiting R and Z at uni, going to Amsterdam, and then pancake day. I used to eat chips often after a night out, would get through 500g packets of sultanas per week and once wanted one digestive biscuit, so bought a whole packet and ate it all in two days.
I weighed myself in the evening after getting back from visiting R (I had eaten loads that day, so that would have meant the scales showed a higher number because the food was still in me). It said 8 stone 9 pounds. I think in my head I saw it as 8.9 stone. Which was unacceptable - that was nearly 9 stone, and I had never been 9 stone!
J and I decided to give up chocolate for lent, and went on a home made juice diet for a week after Amsterdam (which was the first week of lent).
I think that's when i discovered that I could fast. At first I felt funny; dizzy and empty. But then I began to like it. I felt fuzzy, floaty, and powerful. I didn't want food, and I didn't need it. I was in control.
I stopped the juice fast and carried on with lent, and the banning of chocolate was surprisingly easy. So I began banning other stuff. I wrote a list titled "DO NOT EAT- don't even buy" with the subheading "FATTY". It contained stuff like Nutella (I used to eat pots and pots of it), pastries, donuts, biscuits, cheese, chips etc. I read it every night to remind myself.
I did loads of sit ups, jogging on the spot, dancing workout videos etc. I looked at tips and tricks online and watched programs such as "Cook yourself thin" and "Supersized vs Superskinny." I wanted to be the superskinny. I don't know why, I just wanted to lose weight.
I let myself "have the weekend off" when my family came up to pick me up for Easter. They took me out to an amazing Italian restaurant. I then went home and binged on chips. I was "clearing out the cupboards" but throwing it down my mouth rather than in the bin. I also made pancakes. I was so, so full it was painful. I tried to make myself sick, but I couldn't. I tried so hard but couldn't - I have tried before and after and never could. I felt so guilty and made a resolution - I can't throw it up, so just don't eat it!! That night I had looked up bulimia tips, and then I stumbled upon a pro-ana blog.
I already had a blog, but didn't use it very often - I didn't have any followers and it was mainly just a place for me to rant to myself, like a diary. I got sucked into the online eating disorder community. It fueled the ideas bubbling in my head, spurred me on - I could lose weight. I didn't have an eating disorder, but i could find motivation for my "crash diet".
At first, it was a support line for losing weight. But it doesn't help me stop. I applaud others for losing weight, while I myself need to stop it. It is contradictory, but I would feel even more empty and alone without this community. They are experiencing things that I am. They offer support and advice. But perhaps I should distance myself from them. I need to go in the opposite direction from them, but I don't want to.
Once lent was over, I didn't really want the chocolate I was now allowed - I has gotten used to not having it. I managed to make my friends and boyfriend have a lot of it. Unfortunately what I had left, I binged on. It wasn't that much, but i felt sick and so, so guilty. So I restricted more.
I decided my goal weight should be a nice, round 8 stone. But that was 112 pounds, 110 is a nicer, rounder number. I reached it. I decided to go to 108, so I would have room to fluctuate, especially with a planned pig out day on the final day of uni, and my birthday party (i ate so much it hurt). But even with all that food, i didn't gain. I carried on losing.
When I saw 100 pounds, I liked the number. But it worried me. A few days beforehand the doctor told me that I was "quite a lot underweight." I knew I needed to stop, gain a few pounds even. But I couldn't. And I can't.
It's hard to explain. I understand what I need to do; I need to eat more. It sounds simple. But it is not. I just can't. I do eat more compared to a few months ago. And I eat loads of fruit because it hasn't got fat in it, so doesn't make me feel too guilty. But if i eat a lot of fruit, I do feel guilty. Because fruit still has calories in it. That sounds silly doesn't it? I am trying to explain it to you so you can understand, but it is hard to when I don't fully understand it myself. I would like to be able to pick up a chocolate bar and just eat it, but I can't.
I analyse things too much - "What cereal bar should I have? That one is 93 calories, and that one is 80. But the first one is bigger, so may fill me up more. But 80 is a lower number, it makes me more comfortable. And if I have the 93 calories, I can't have that apple, I will have to have a clementine ..."
My mood, emotions, personality; all changed. I am tired, moody, lacking motivation for anything other than thinking about food. It is all consuming. All I think about, all the time, even if it's just in the back of my mind, it is still there. Food, calories, fat, weight. Always. There is no room for anything else.
It is like an addiction. Can you understand that? An addiction to not eating. I am addicted to nothing. Addicted to losing.
So, I thought I could cope with this on my own, but I think I need to tell somebody. I was on the brink of telling my mother the other day, but I couldn't. What would it do to her? What would it do to me? Would she make me see a therapist. That would go on record. I want to be a Clinical Psychologist - any future employers will see my medical record, and they will judge me, and it might affect my chances of getting a job. It would be like a permanent stamp. I need to tell someone who will not make me get professional help. I don't want it.
Who can I tell? What do I want from them once they know? I would want support, but I don't think I could tell someone who I live with, as they will always be watching me. Who can I trust not to tell people who I don't want to tell?
Boyfriend - of course I can trust him. He would provide me with help, even if he doesn't understand. But I think he will be the most hurt by it. And it might ruin our relationship if I bring the problems that are already affecting it out into the open. It might cause too much conflict. We spend so much time together, and I don't want every second of it to be consumed by this, which I think it will be. He will see me differently and I don't want that.
Mother - it will hurt her way too much. And I think that she will want me to get professional help. And I don't want to ruin our relationship. It has been three years since she confronted me about cutting, and we have only just got close again.
Grandmother - she recently told me that I could never disappoint her, and she is so proud of me. But I think this will change that. I think she will be angry (in the loving way, possibly) and she will definitely want me to get professional help.
Father - no.
My friends would be the easiest. My home friends possibly easier than my uni friends because I don't have to live with them. But my home friends are close to my mother and grandmother. Some I couldn't tell - they wont understand. M - maybe. She has had weight issues, so might understand. And she has just had a friend hospitalised with bulimia, so may be able to offer advice. But it might upset her more. I definitely can't tell RG, when she found out about M's friend she said it was "disgusting and stupid". We haven't really made up properly since we fell out, even though she used to be my closest friend in the world.
Out of my uni friends, I think I could tell J - she would understand and help I think. But I live with her, so there's no escaping when I want to. And I couldn't tell B, she would go crazy. And even crazier if she found out that I told J and not her.
So, M or J. I don't have to live with M, but I have a feeling that she might tell people. Not in a bitchy way, in a "concerned" way. And there's too much of a risk that my family will find out. And I don't want my Mum or boyfriend to find out from someone else, that would be even worse.
The people I want to tell the most are my Mum and Boyfriend. But they are the people that I think it will hurt the most. Oh, oh, oh :(
I don't know what to do. Maybe I could show them this letter. Maybe.
Wish me luck and strength,
