This is our decision, to live fast and die young. We've got the vision, now let's have some fun.

i feel so motivated.

its great knowing there's someone out there feeling exactly the same as you , who you can work with to push yourself to perfection. ninaofthenight, lets do this!!!

the rest of this week might be a bit awkward - my mum has it off work so is home all the time. although she knows i've been bingeing so is on the lookout for that and is fine with my fridge full of vegetables and me having my own cupboard for my food so i dont have the temptation.

but i could use this to my advantage. pretend i've binged so i can skip dinner, or have as little as possible.

her being home also means i cant weigh myself till the weekend. which might be good as i have so much water retention at the moment from taking to many laxatives every day for over a week.

i'm gonna get up, try to avoid breakfast and go to the gym.

must. stay. positive.
must. stay. on. track.

i'm banning myself from bread

and jam for that matter.

109.8 what the fuuuuuuck?!!!!!

Breakfast (fail) - 40g Ready Brek
                          150ml almond milk
                          2 slices Hovis best of both
                          3 tablespoons rum and raisin marmalade

i was so hungry :( could have been worse i suppose.

update.

burned 300 calories at the gym. then had the most abhorrent binge.
i'm talking; 4 cupcakes, 3 bags of crisps, 8 custard creams and 4 bowls of cereal. oh and some laughing cow cheese.

i NEED to get on top of this. tomorrow will be good, i'll go to the gym in the morning, try and skip breakfast or at least lunch, then going to my friend from hospital (G) in the evening to go trick or treating with her nephews.

i suppose i should think about how yesterday was okay-ish. i've done 2 non binge days, but never 2 in a row. i need to build up to them, because i dont think its going to work just going cold turkey. i dunno maybe it will. but i cant just fast. i need to make sure i start having proper meals, then slowly reduce them till i can fast, or at least be in the below 1000 calorie range, below 800 would be better, 500 perfect. but i need to shrink my stomach back.

my therapist says its because i became such an expert at repressing my hunger, that my body doesn't trust me if i don't feed it regularly, so restricting will lead to a binge. so i just need to chip away at my intake. slowly reducing until i can master my hunger repression again and then i can restrict.

i need to get to 100 pounds, i dont know how long it will take me to get there. i'm hoping by my holiday in the beginning of december. 10 pounds in a month? i could certainly do it before ...

i'm up for a challenge, anyone else game?

mindfulness

we learnt it in hospital.

i thought it was shit but now i need it.

i am practising mindful eating.

i have a crystal to rub when i want to binge.

such a contrast to this time last year. then, i couldnt stop NOT eating, now i cant stop EATING.

fuck sake.

breakfast went well.

i am going to try and update this after each time i eat.

as a deterrent to binge.

because i dont want you guys seeing what a fatty i am!!!!

wish me luck!!

Breakfast- 25g Quakers porridge oats
                 150ml almond milk

Lunch - 1 cup home made pumpkin soup
             1 dark rye ryvita
             200ml easiyo low fat cherry yougurt.

Dinner - Pizza hut veg pizzaetta
             1/2 scoop ice cream
              2 Belvita yogurt biscuits

             Horlicks

estimated total - 1600

i cant believe how much pizza i ate.i chose the lowest calorie one - they do a range under 500, and have the calories on the menu. i wasnt planning on pizza, but went to the cinema with my boy and ended up there.

i didnt binge!!! i felt so anxious all day though. and i really wanted to binge.

i still feel disgusting about my intake. hopefully the horse riding, walking and sexy time burned a bit of that off.

well today WAS going good ...

yogurt for breakfast.

slim a soup for lunch.

then i decided to have dessert ... FAIL!!

started off as a bit more yogurt.

then i wanted a slice of bread and lemon curd.

4 slices and almost a whole pot of curd later, i hate myself even more.

about to use the oracle ...

thats what it feels like each time i step on the scales.

they rule me. instil the fear of god in me. can lift me higher than the world, or bring me crashing painfully back down. they rule my life and i worship them. i need to start using them everyday, now that i know where mum hides them

i am scared today. i am sure that whatever number it spits out at my, the digital display will merge into the words "FAT". I fasted until the evening yesterday, when i promptly ate 9 stollen bites, 5 custard doughnuts, 4 packets of crisps and a whole jar of peanut butter.

then about 8 laxatives of course.

i hate myself.



109.4.

what the fuck?! how could i let myself get so fucking fat?? unacceptable.
today, i change with the clocks.
backwards.
freedom.
perfection.
acceptance. 
happiness.

irish coffee is food porn

been in Dublin all week

was amazing, everyone is so friendly there!

went with my room mate from hospital.

she is so much thinner than me. thinspothinspothinspo!!

i am going on a cruise in december with her and my second roomie after she left. i need to have things in control then. i WILL NOT be any higher than 100 pounds.

i binged today, but thats the first time this week.
and the last.

i have bought some diet pills and i'm going to start taking them tomorrow - i am not going to waste the money i spent on them!!

also - my ab toner belt is amazing.

here i go again!!!!

i.hate.myself.

i miss this

i used to look like that.

not now.

i am so fat.

i have ordered diet pills and a slendertone.

i am not eating until dinner tomorrow with my friends.

next week will be perfect. i am spending it with my friend from hospital. she will get me back on track.

i will be skinny again

dreaming ...

i just wanna fall asleep for days.

dream of wind and feathers and leaves.

and wake up when i am skinny again.

my body drags me down. i want to fly. i hate it.

i need to float. i need to be light and airy.

i need it.

hmmmmm.

yesterday was awesome.

laxatives, gym and fasting made my belly nice and flat this morning and the scales read a slightly more bearable 103.8.

then this morning i binged. fuck fuck fuck. its because i had breakfast. if i skip breakfast then my hunger just seems to go away and the rest of the day is fine. but i look a load of extra vitamins  supplements and whatnot this morning so i thought i shouldn't really do it on an empty stomach, and a driving lesson later on an empty stomach might not be so good.

fuck it. breakfast ALWAYS leads to binges.

so - simple - no more breakfast while i can get away with it.

i am so hitting up the gym later. need to get my monies worth!!!

boom baby!

success!!

all i ate today was a 90 calorie soup.

i burned 550 plus cals at the gym.

i feel great!

i wanna say i'm back, but i don't want to jinx it!

i think it was the disgust i felt on the scales this morning. 107.8.

ewwww.

ewww.fucking.ewwww.

i will get back under control.

today

WILL be good. i promise.

i will only have almond milk and soup.

i CAN do this.

i bet all this binging is my EDs way of paying me back for rejecting it. i cant cope without it. i am literally uncontrollable around food. i need my perfect self discipline back. i need my ED to control my food for me, and to keep me safe.

warning - proceed with caution.

November 2010 - 120 pounds (ish) Goal weight - 100 pounds.

Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end: then stop.

I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle!

 

It was much pleasanter at home, when one wasn't always growing larger and smaller, and being ordered about by mice and rabbits

July 2011 - 100 pounds - GW achieved. Stop???

apparently not ...

March 2012 - 4 days into hospital admission. Admission weight 71 pounds

It was much pleasanter at home, when one wasn't always growing larger and smaller, and being ordered about by mice and rabbits

 

Alice laughed. "There's no use trying," she said: "one can't believe impossible things."
"I daresay you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast." 

October 2012. About 103 pounds. Happy :)

Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.

i'm about to post something which i am doubtful about.
it is very personal.
and triggering.
but the message is strong.

i'm not sure if i'll leave it up for long.

much love <3

actually, fuck this!

i am fed up of being a weakling.

i shall stop being a fatty and giving into my cravings.

i haven said this so many times to myself, but now i mean it. no more binges.



i used to love the feeling of being empty and hungry and light.
i am going to get used to it again.
i am going to get my will power back.

i am going on a liquid/baby food diet during the day, and will eat a small meal at dinner - preferably soup or stir fry, and yogurt.

i will be 100 pounds again.

i'm gonna wake up so fat tomorrow.

weighing myself tomorrow - the day when mother "allows" me the scales. little does she know that i know where she hides them and frequently whack them out. But I haven't in a while, and boy am i scared. Been binging like a mo-fo recently.

I think I have some abhorrent fear of being hungry. I suppose my body doesn't trust me from when it was hungry 24/7. So now, even if i get the teeeeeniest bit hungry - not like i've been fasting, something ridiculous like a couple of hours after breakfast or something - my body is like "shit! i'm gonna die! must eat all the food in sight!!".

and once i pop, i just cant stop.

its honestly like i'm possessed.

hopefully though, if the weight gain is bearable, it might ward off the binging. "listening" to my body telling me that it needs more food (fuck off does it) so then i can practice regular eating at a higher weight, then change back to a weight that i am happy about.

oooh i sound like a great "recovering" girl don't it?! meh.

i suppose i should start doing what they taught me to do for 6 months and eat decent meals regularly with snacks inbetween to prevent hunger pangs and binges.

i just cba!

"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"

"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.

"I don't much care where-" said Alice.

 "Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.

"-so long as i get SOMEWHERE," Alice added as an explanation.

"Oh, you're sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."

 

 

 

 

I can see the path that I am treading, and it is a dangerous one.

Binges.

 

Binge, binge, binge.

 

I succeeded, for the first time the other day to finally make myself sick.

Now that I am armed with that knowledge, I can see the rickety, wooden bridge that I am standing on start to crumble.

I always seem to have to do something self destructive.

My eating went well yesterday, but I was overwhelmed with the desire to cut myself. It was all consuming. I was shaking.

So I popped a Diazepam, pinched myself, picked at a few scabs and had a bath.

 

I would have cried if my antidepressants didn't numb me so much.

 

My therapist says that it is just one form of self harm replacing another.

If it isn't binging, it is cutting. 

And binging will only lead to restricting and obsessive exercising, something which is beginning to happen.

 

So another rope on my bridge begins to fray.

 

Where do I go from here?

Why do all my coping mechanism have to be so self destructive. 

empty words, promises and teachings

we'll teach you how to live.

we will teach you how to cope, how to be, how to accept yourself.

we will teach you how to be normal, although we cannot tell you what that is.


but, be strong, because we will not always practise what we preach. we will eat carb free stir frys infront of you. use one pat of butter on two pieces of toast, while we watch you scrape out every last morsel of your two.

but we will say that it is you that needs to learn these ways, not us. you are on weight restoration not us. so sit there and eat your disgusting hospital food. we will pretend that it is "medicine" while we eat our lovely healthy, home cooked meals.

we will pretend that we understand. comfort you that it is hard when you cry. tell you that you probably couldn't eat that much yourself. but when you are angry and try to refuse, we will shout at you. say "don't be silly, are you really going to let a piece of toast beat you?"

we will pretend to be your friend and to hate your eating disorder, but it will be a fine line if you can trust us, for we will use anything you tell us against you - whether to challenge your eating disorder or not. because, although we tell you it is not you, it is just something you have, we cannot always distinguish the two.

if it is something you have, not something you are, surely you can just get rid of it, yeah?

one nurse described it as a little pet. "you can't live your life and continue to nurture your eating disorder like a little pet" like a snake, that binds itself around you. or a scarily beautiful big cat, that strikes you down at your weakest.

i am grateful. they showed me the path to a new light. but it is a rough path, that i often fell off, and was roughly pushed back onto by them, bruising and scratching me.


at least i no longer take an hour and a half and several screaming fits to finish my dinner ...