fuck

or maybe not. my sex drive is gone. completely; not a spark.

i tried, but i felt bored, then it just hurt, then i cried. luckily he didn't notice. and it's not his fault. it's all me.

numb ...

and i had a diet irn bru earlier that has given me massive cravings and headaches. you can taste the sweetener shit in it. diet coke doesn't do this to me, why didn't i just stick to good old diet coke? that stuff never lets me down.

not happy.

fuuuuuuuck.

"a free ride when you've already paid"

firstly - thank you all for your lovely comments on my last post. they made me smile and feel good about myself - something which hasn't happened in ages. you guys rock :) i feel so lucky to "know" you.

now: onto my title.

a couple of things have happened in the last week or so that, if they had come a month or so earlier - i would have loved - but now i don't really need them. to begin with - i don't get hungry any more. or i  don't recognise it. the smallest thing can fill me up. i also hardly ever have cravings, and i just don't want food. this would have been perfect when i was restricting - but now i need to maintain - even (could i possibly?!) gain a couple of pounds. today i am definitely feeling the effects of my diet - i do not feel well.

i had to force myself to eat something for breakfast more than a quarter grapefruit. i managed to eat two go ahead yogurt slices and even a mini mr kipling choc chip cake. i had to stuff them in my mouth though, and i felt - and feel - so sick. i know that i could have chosen a healthier breakfast but i thought i would challenge myself - a mr kipling cake bar would have been gone in seconds a year ago, but no... just under 350 calories. i suppose to other people that's normal. to me - it's loads..

secondly - i have my job back at tesco for the summer. and the hours i am contracted are perfect for fasting. saturday 4.00 till 9.00, sunday 1.00 till 4.15 and any overtime i can get. so far the overtime (and my contracted hours) run over "normal" dinner and lunch times. again - a month or so this would have been a blessing. i could tell my mum that i didn't need dinner because i had/will have something at work. and working distracts me from being hungry - despite being surrounded by food - it doesn't make me want to eat it.

i had a wander around on my break to see if i could tempt myself with what i would have eaten a year ago.

• past the bakery section - absolutely not
• sweets and chocolate? don't be silly
• the crisp aisle - maybe some snack-a-jacks? nope.
• fridges - all that pasta and processed meat? yuck
• the "food on the go" section. i picked up some sushi. then put it down.
• the fruit and veg aisle. that's more like it. i'll have an apple. a small one.

luckily the canteen was empty.

i've done all the work - but now i get all these helping hands. but i need to stop! i don't feel good.