fuckfuckfuck

today was going great, burned 300+ at the gym, didn't eat too much.
then i went to see Kate
she made me feel crap
i binged.

a tub of ice cream, 4 puff pastry mince pies, several packets of crisps and a few bowls of rice crispies.
what the fuck is wrong with me? that is so disgusting and messed up!!!
why is it that i get all worried about calories in a standard meal, and will freak out if theres a bit of cheese or something on it, but when i am in binge mode, any thing goes.
i refuse to let my mouth be a waste bin any more.
fatfatfatstupidfatfailure.

but Kate discharged me. i don't have to answer to her any more. i don't have to have my weekly lecture about "alarm bells" "slippery slope" and "sitting on the fence with one foot in your illness and one foot in recovery"

i feel so crap, i even cried. which never happens. probably because i am cutting down on my citalopram so i can wean myself onto venlafaxine.
i am just so unhappy at this weight.
i am going on the slimfast diet properly.
not eating anything apart from slimfast and soup.

i'll do this for the rest of the week. next tuesday i am going on a cruise with my friend G from hospital. hopefully that will kick start some more "normal" eating, although going to Dublin didn't really do that. I just wont buy any snacks so i never have food on me.

i think my goal of 100 pounds by new years eve is a bit unrealistic.
but i will get there one day soon, i promise.