Fire burn, and caldron bubble. Something wicked this way comes

i might be away for a while ...

so; I've been waking up each day with a growing sense of impending... badness - is the only way to describe it. like dread, and fear. one; of food, and 2; that something bad is just going to happen.

i thought i came close to being admitted to general hospital on friday - i had an appointment with my GP who i hadn't seen in a couple of weeks (she knows about my eating disorder - ugh i still hate that label. anorexia is a worse label i think though. that stings).  i just went because she wanted to do regular general check ups on me, and i was going to ask about antidepressants. anyways - she over reacted again when she saw i had lost more weight, and made me go to the hospital for more blood tests and an ECG - which were all fine and a waste of time. the only thing that came out of it is that the hospital phoned the clinic that i have been on the waiting list for, and came back and told me that I'm top of the waiting list - which may or may not have come from them calling - i dunno.

they called today.

I'm going in tomorrow.

I'm scared.

i know this is the best thing for me, but i am still terrified.

i think it made it worse how sudden it was, like they literally called today and asked if i could be there for 10.00 tomorrow morning. the first thing that came into my head was about all the food in the fridge that's mine and will go off and will have to be thrown away - HATE throwing food away, even though its mainly fruit, soy milk etc, makes me feel so guilty. so there was nearly a panic binge there. i felt i did binge, but it was mainly grapes and a few nuts. not too bad i think.

sooooo. shit. need to pack.

dunno what happens about the internet - i can take my laptop and phone and stuff, but i don't have a dongle, and i only use wireless on my phone atm as my contract hasn't been renewed to have mobile internet.

oooh panic, i don't know what to pack.

i have to eat 6 meals a day.

haven't even had the chance to break up with my boyfriend yet.

omg omg omg.

my head is going crazy. i am so scared.