empty words, promises and teachings

we'll teach you how to live.

we will teach you how to cope, how to be, how to accept yourself.

we will teach you how to be normal, although we cannot tell you what that is.


but, be strong, because we will not always practise what we preach. we will eat carb free stir frys infront of you. use one pat of butter on two pieces of toast, while we watch you scrape out every last morsel of your two.

but we will say that it is you that needs to learn these ways, not us. you are on weight restoration not us. so sit there and eat your disgusting hospital food. we will pretend that it is "medicine" while we eat our lovely healthy, home cooked meals.

we will pretend that we understand. comfort you that it is hard when you cry. tell you that you probably couldn't eat that much yourself. but when you are angry and try to refuse, we will shout at you. say "don't be silly, are you really going to let a piece of toast beat you?"

we will pretend to be your friend and to hate your eating disorder, but it will be a fine line if you can trust us, for we will use anything you tell us against you - whether to challenge your eating disorder or not. because, although we tell you it is not you, it is just something you have, we cannot always distinguish the two.

if it is something you have, not something you are, surely you can just get rid of it, yeah?

one nurse described it as a little pet. "you can't live your life and continue to nurture your eating disorder like a little pet" like a snake, that binds itself around you. or a scarily beautiful big cat, that strikes you down at your weakest.

i am grateful. they showed me the path to a new light. but it is a rough path, that i often fell off, and was roughly pushed back onto by them, bruising and scratching me.


at least i no longer take an hour and a half and several screaming fits to finish my dinner ...