a possible blip in my plans :(

soooo, this Thursday is my last exam, and we are planning on drinking ASAP after the exam (it finishes at four, so that's acceptable:) )

i had planned what i was going to eat that day ( and apple for breakfast, a bit of tuna, boiled egg, baby leaf salad for dinner) to account for the alcohol which will fill my belly, but will also fill me with calories :( but i haven't been out in ages so its okay.

but then i found out the club we are going to are having a free rooftop BBQ for members of the "extreme BBQ" society and their friends. this is the only society i joined in freshers week (i know, haha makes me look like a sad fatty!) and i have fun at them. and it's FREE, and they're yummy, so i doubt I'll be able to resist anyways, plus people will think I'm weird going to a free BBQ and not having anything. so my plan is to allow myself a burger, and try not to eat all of it - i have plenty of friends who will hoover it up for me :) if its a quarter pounder and a big bun, it will be about 500 calories - that's about how many there is in a McDonald's one, so a BBQ one cant be more. i shall just keep thinking about supersize me and it will be okay. the rest of my days calories shouldn't be more that 170, so 670, is  okaaaaay-ish. god knows about the calories in the alcohol - it's too depressing to count those!

so the next day i will undoubtedly have a hangover - which i can use to my advantage. sleep through breakfast and be "too ill" to eat. i may get salty cravings but i find cucumber is amazing for hangovers, so i will only allow myself salad and fruit if i have to. then I'm going drinking again that night and i will try my absolute hardest not to give in to drunken cravings. not even a piece of toast!

then Saturday ... pot brownies. not only brownies, but ones that make you want more food! we had planned this before i had realised there would be a BBQ so I'm freaking out a bit. but I've been looking forward to it for so long. i will make sure i will not have unhealthy munchies - grapes and cucumber only for me, and perhaps a little plain homemade pop corn. god, i hope i can control my munchies - the brownies themselves will be about 500! will have to keep chanting that in my head.

and my boyfriend will be here this weekend, so will be noticing what i eat. uurgh.

and then I'm back home. i can control what i eat during the day when my mums at work, but then dinner time ... she cooks fairly healthy, but the portions are massive. i think i will ask to cook more then i will have more control and can dish up me sized portions. may even play a stomach bug card to get smaller portions. its not even that much of a lie, i have been feeling a bit iffy lately.

but then when she gets on holiday too (she works in a school), she'll be noticing what i eat during the day. but hopefully by then i will be at work, so i can just say i had a load to eat there.

ooooh, *worries* hope everything goes to plan and i don't slip back into my piggy old ways again. although i haven't been eating too badly. i know i said i was increasing my calories to maintain but only slowly, and I'm on about 800 a day maximum (mainly boosted up by fruits and nuts) - 660 today - so I'm still in the losing weight section. and i've gone down to 109lb.


uurgghhhh, why am i so obsessed?!

sorry about the whiny post guys - just felt i had to get it off my chest and confess my fatty weekend before it happens! i pray to the stars that my munchies don't turn into a binge!! wish me luck!

feeling better today - and i have a plan :)

okay, so i have recently been annoyed that despite losing weight, my inner thighs and lower belly are still a teeny bit pudgy. but i have also been annoyed that since losing weight by boobs have got smaller ( i know i go on about them enough, but its a touchy subject with me, they never started off big to begin with!)

but i have realised, that although losing weight will improve my thighs and belly - they will not be perfect (well, as near as possible) by just losing weight alone. they need to be more toned. So, my plan is, to focus on toning these areas while i maintain my weight.

tone and maintain! 

Sooo, i shall do this until I am satisfied, and then i will attempt to gradually put on a few pounds in the (possibly vain) hope that the weight will not greatly affect my perfectly toned and sculpted areas, and will just go to my boobs. that's the plan anyway - its worth a try. and if it doesn't work i will then have to make a decision - do i stay the same or lose the weight again at the sacrifice of my lady lumps? (lol, i cant believe i just called them that!!)

anyways, today was good - i didn't even crave chocolate like i normally do when I'm pms-ing ... i craved grapes. yaaaay! :)

drowning

i feel that recently i have been treading water on whatever is going on in my head at the moment (there is definately something not normal). but now i am sinking and i don't have the strength to get back to the surface again.

i am so tired; emotionally, physically and psychologically drained.

i don't know whats wrong with me. i have so much revising to do. but i am so tired. i should probably be eating more to give me more energy, but i am too tired to eat. i feel sick eating the same amount as i did when i was trying to lose weight, when i would be hungry. typical. so I'm probably going to lose more weight and get even more tired.

that's another thing - I'm so tired about caring about calories and food and exercise! in front of me is a canvas print of a photo of me and my boyfriend from our holiday  to the lake district last year. we were staying in a B&B, so that morning i would have had a cooked breakfast and not cared- i was on holiday! we went on a long walk all day over the hills, mountains and around lakes, and would have had a takeaway or restaurant dinner in the evening. and i would not have cared - or even thought about calories. maybe the week after i would have eaten a little better to make up for the cooked breakfasts, but it wouldn't have the all consuming hold on me as it does now.

and the annoying thing is, i wasn't fat then - even big. i said before, i have never been 9 stone or over - i am normally 8 and a half stone or under. and i was fine. happy.

sure, all girls care about calories a little bit, but i didn't let it rule my life. i am now the size that i want to be, but it's come at such a cost. it better get better when i get home!

uurgh. PMS probably, sowwy! moan moan moan!
but i am prepared for the weepies this week, especially with exams! i watched this program last night about a guy setting up a chocolate factory and trying to promote people to eat "real" chocolate, not all the stuff we normally eat with shit loads of sugar and milk and fat in.

anyways, he scientifically proved chocolate containing 70% and more cocoa was much better for you - it boosted performance and mood. i think there was something about burning fat in there too. and because its so rich you only need a teeny amount. so i got some of that.

its also got iron in it too, which i think i need. probably being a hypochondriac, but i think i've convinced myself I've got anemia lol. and my fingernails keep going blue when I'm a teeny bit cold. which is pretty much all the time.

mehhhhhh. cant wait till exams are over in a week and i can sleep for a day. possibly two!

lake district

ooh, how i want to go back! <3

just watched "super size me"

oh.my.god.

i didn't think that it was possible for me to think that fast food was any worse than it was, but its happened! i feel sick, and kind of scared! its a bit like a real life horror movie, the doctor actually said his liver was turning into pate!

uuurghh. i very rarely eat mcdonalds, and it will only be when i am drunk or high, and I'm too impatient to wait until i get home to make a slice of toast (which i actually prefer to mcdonalds even when drunk!) i think the last time that i had one sober, was around Christmas, and i had a salad with no dressing. their dressings have about the same calorie and fat content as a big mac!

but after watching that, i think there will be a stamp on my memory that will break through any intoxicated haze shouting "NO!"

eww, eww, eww.

also - i thought the school dinners in the UK were bad! some of the ones they were showing in the US were atrocious! best motivation ever!!

100 calories

Red Wine	150	ml
Diet Coke (coca -cola)	25	litres
White Wine	150	ml
Baked potatoes with skins	92	g
Carrots, whole peeled raw	349	g
Baked Beans in tomato sauce	116	g
Boiled green broccoli	417	g
Fresh Satsuma’s, flesh only	188	g
Fresh blueberries raw	187	g
Fresh raspberries raw	380	g
Reduced calorie mayonnaise	35	g
Nectarines weight with stone fresh raw	278	g
Olive oil, extra virgin	12	ml
Red grapes	150	g
Medium free range eggs	70	g
Red onions, raw	273	g
Tomato ketchup	83	g
Greek Yoghurt	73	g
Light soft cheese	56	g
Reduced calorie Salad Cream	77	g

panic

so today i go to put on my favorite £40 topshop jeans, that were a teensey bit too tight for me when i bought them, and they were too big. and a stretchy top that is usually tight fitting was baggy. i threw them straight into a washing machine thinking maybe that would shrink them down a bit - will have to see when they dry.
i tried on my favorite LBD that i was forced to get in a (UK) size 6 because that was all that was left on the sale rack, and it fit perfectly. it's made of stretchy material so i could always fit into it, but only just.

and the scales this morning said 110.5 pounds. my target weight was 112.

i suppose this is okay - i can allow myself to fluctuate between 110 and 112. but the thing is, the amount that i am still eating is the amount i need to lose weight. i need to start eating the amount i need to maintain weight, but my calorie calculator says that's about 1600. that is so much more than I've been used to - more than double, about triple some days! how am i going to suddenly get back to eating that?
i thought that i would ease myself in, so i was going to have a salad sandwich for lunch instead of just a salad. but i couldn't after the donut that i ate yesterday.

I'm not sure how the best way for me to do this is. i suppose increase portion sizes teeney bits at a time? my body (and my mind) has gotten so used to restricting, it's going to be hard. but i don't want to carry on losing weight, i just need to get more toned. my boobs are small enough as it is and i think they're starting to get smaller! guhhhh

krispy kremes are like porn to me

oh the shaaaame!
okay, so i was a bit of a piggy - I've been wanting one for ages and have resisted! but i felt i should give myself a little treat after my exam (think it went well!) and for manage to stay below 112 for quite a while. so i had a creme brulee krispy kreme NOM. its got caramel and custard inside and a glittery caramel glaze. oh those perfectly disgusting calories. i had one salt and pepper cashew nut, 2 honey pecans nut halves, a honey macadamia nut, 2 yogurt coated hazelnuts and a teeny bit of honeycomb. for dinner - a bit of homemade ratatouille (which is amazingly yummy and so low in calories and fat!)

okay, so the sweet tooth demon raised its head today, but I've smashed it away now :) I'm not sure how many calories were in the nuts which freaks me out a little, but there was like 50 calories max in the ratatouille. and about 350 calories in the donut I'm guessing. it was so overwhelming that i couldn't eat it in one go, and soooo sweet and heavy that it will definitely satisfy any craving for a long time :)

i shall, of course, be extra good for the rest of the week. that's the great thing about living at uni- there's nothing in my cupboards to tempt me apart from a few grapes, because i have complete control of my shopping list, yay :)

stuffed!

i feel like i have eated loads today (and i have compared to recently) yet still about 600 cals, even with three (woops) weetabix this morning :) i was gonna have 2 but there was one left in the pack and it seemed ridiculous leaving ot on its own, ha! i like my weetabix still crunchy so i just drizzled it in skimmed milk. i used to douse it in sugar but i didn't today, and loved it. i think my sweet tooth has (could it be?!) gone!

everything looks bigger on my small bowls and plates anyways, but i did have a lot for dinner - 50g rice (weighed dry) with veg and this weightwatchers tuna in tomato and herb dressing, so nice, and so low cal/fat. couldn't finish it though, but i will definately not be going to bed tonight hungry, or guilty :)

though probably a bit nervy - exam tomorrow! at half 9 in the morning (why?! it should be illegal). at least the first year doesn't count to final grades, just getting into the next year (what an excellent attitude, lol)

seems im in a good mood today :) all that lovely, filling low fat food :) and controoool.

gross

i just watched my flatmate cook bacon. at midnight (wtf). it made me feel so queasy. even after i told her that you lose about 80%(!) of the fat if you cut the rind off, she still kept it on. as well as drenching the pan in oil, bluuurgh. i watched all the fat bubbling away horrified. then she added another (thick) slice, then another, until she had 5. all cooked in tonnes of fat. i used to love bacon (though would always cut the rind off and grill it) but that has put me off!
i cannot believe how much she eats! she's not even that fat! so unfair - she eats disgustingly - a "meal" for her consists of a 6 pack of crisps, or half a pack of bacon, or 5 hotdogs. the only thing she can "properly" cook is chicken (she has 2 breasts) normally accompanied by cheesey pasta or uncle bens rice. how is she not obese?
so not fair. although i am not wishing that i could eat her diet even if i wouldnt put on weight, it would just make me feel so ill.

wow, this sounds so bitchy - whoops! i love her really i just feel so ill at the moment

i feel awful :/

i was craving pizza, so i made a kind of pizza-y pocket - about 50g dough and a tomato, garlic and chili pepper filling - no cheese of course. was pretty yummy, but i made it a tad too salty and i feel sick now. i also feel angry at myself because i left a bit as i didn't want it, but then for some reason went back to eat it later. only about two mouthfuls, but i instantly regretted it. i may try and do a bit of exercise, but ill have to just run around my room or something, don't have time to do much else, so much revising to do!

mehhhh

am i disordered?

i wouldn't consider myself to have an eating disorder, but upon reflection i am not so sure. i think in the past that i have always been a bit conscious of "good" and "bad" food, always trying to eat relatively healthy, but allowing myself to give in to cravings every now and then - sometimes a bit too much!

i have always been fairly skinny (i have never weighed over 9 stone) so maybe that is why i don't think i have a disorder. i cant have anorexia because i don't have a reason to! i don't feel that my life is out of control and that the food is the only thing i can control etc, like they tend to say about a lot of anorexia sufferers. yet, recently i am beginning to think that i don't have a normal relationship with food.

i remember the first time that i thought that i needed to lose weight. i was 15 or 16, it was just after easter so i had been a bit of a piggy then, and mum had bought a box of mini brownie bites. they were scrummy and i polished them off quickly, so she kept on buying more to keep them topped up. after a couple of weeks of this i bent down in front of a mirror with just some jeans on and saw my belly bulge over the top. this horrified me, and upon weighing myself i saw i was at the top end of 8 stone.
i  had always been skinny and i wasn't going to let that change, so i went on a mini diet (mainly just cutting out the brownie bites!) and soon got back to about 8 and a half stone.

the lightest i have ever been was when i was 15 and i dropped to about 7 and a half stone (approx) and that was during a period of depression where i felt sick all the time and had absolutely no appetite, so i didn't even mean to lose the weight.

i think since then i have gone through phases. for a few months i would eat whatever, then i would fill my lunchbox with rice crackers and vegetables, then eat whatever etc etc. especially when my friends always commented on how incredibly skinny my best friend was, when i was sure i was skinnier than her! so i tried to make sure that i was. i dunno why! jealousy i suppose

but these phases seem to be getting more frequent and more intense over the last year. it started with joining gym, then a calorie and weight tracking website when i noticed my weight creeping towards the 9 stone barrier again. so i just started eating healthier, maybe snacking less, just having a chocolate bar once a week etc.

then i began making lists (mental and physical) of what i could and couldn't eat. there was "yes", "no" and "maybe". this used to pass the time while i was working on the checkouts and judging every food as it went past, trying quickly to look at the nutritional content labels without anyone noticing.

when  no one was around and i had a massive craving, i would stuff my face with it - but not swallow - spitting it out and flushing it away.

sometimes i would swallow the food, and i would try and purge it back up. despite many attempts i have never been able to do this, even after looking at pro mia websites for tips. so without being able to purge, i would look at ana tips instead. with each phase of more "normal" eating then my "diets" it would be stronger reinforced that eating loads makes me feel sick, which meant i would get fat. and i couldn't make myself sick, so the solution was simple - don't eat it in the first place!

i think the latest phase is probably the worst, and probably began just before easter. i noticed that i was starting to get a bit of cellulite when i clenched my bum together, which i was not happy about- i nearly cried! so i went on a mini health kick. my flat mate and i are oddly similar - we both seem to be very concerned about weight and health, but also obsessed with baking! and we were never any good at resisting a baking urge! (even if we did do it the "healthy" way - it doesn't count if you still binge on them! she always said "because we used low fat butter etc, we can have more!). So I decided to get healthy again and to lose some of that fat that was developing into cellulite (eww). But before that came a couple of weekends visiting friends at different unis, which were weekends full of eating and snacking! and then a weekend to Amsterdam (you can never resist the munchies ;) )

when we got back from our heavy Amsterdam weekend, we decided to go on a juice diet for a week, which was really good and taught me how little i actually needed. pancake day then loomed (of course we stuffed ourselves silly all day eating nothing but pancakes!) and we made a pact to give up something for lent (not for religious reasons, just because)

i gave up chocolate, which at first was hard because i had been having so much of it around that time, but then it got okay (i don't crave it at all now!) and i started to add other things to my list (pastry, crisps, chips etc). i restricted more and more, but felt good about myself after all the rubbish i had been eating.

so during lent was easy - i had an "excuse" to not eat chocolate and eat the fruit dessert instead, and no one thought it was odd. but then that ended and i got a pile of chocolate on easter day. it was a lot. well, it was also a lot less than i usually got - i got some easter themed presents instead, but after going so long without chocolate it felt like loads. i managed to pawn some off on my brother, boyfriend and friends, but i still had quite a bit left over, so i had some. then it turned into a binge. i loved the first few bites but then i kept going, despite feeling sick. and afterwards i felt so guilty. it was horrible.

so i majorly restricted my diet after then, and i am still doing it now. but i think its getting more than that. i am beginning to obsess - weighing food, often to about half the recommended portion size, leaving food, secretly throwing some away. and some times when my mum was cooking/serving food, i felt really anxious. sometimes scared (especially at talks of ordering takeaways).

maybe I've been in denial about my eating habits. i dunno if they fall into any category or label. but at the moment i like the feeling that i get from being in control of myself. i like that i don't have to resist cravings, because i don't have any anymore (nowhere near as bad as before anyways).

sorry for the essay, just felt that i needed to say that. would love to hear what you think (if you can get through it!)

metabolism tips

Found these from various websites, quite useful :) apart from the first tip lol - who eats 6 meals a day?!


1. Eat more often. Begin with breakfast and eat at least 4, preferably 5 or 6, meals a day. Every time you eat it revs up your metabolism. On the other hand, skipping or going for long periods of time without eating causes your metabolism to slow down.

2. Have small mini-meals. Eating small, frequent meals keeps your blood sugar stable, fuels your metabolism and gives you sustained energy. If possible, taper calories to fit your daily energy output – breakfast would be your biggest meal (but not too big). And your last meal of the day, at least 4 hours before bedtime, would be your lightest meal.

3. Choose maxi-metabolism foods. Focus on whole food high fiber carbohydrates for fat burning energy. And countless studies show that good quality protein helps you build lean muscle and lose fat, so include enough protein at every meal. Also make sure you take nutritional health supplements to get sufficient vitamins, minerals and nutrients.

4. Spice up your dishes. Hot and spicy seasonings, such as chilies, mustard and curry have been found to raise metabolism by up to 40% for two or three hours. Just make sure your spicy dish is not a high calorie meal or you'll undo the fat burning advantage.

5. Drink ice cold water. Water makes up 70 to 80% of your blood and brain, so it's essential to good health. And now German researchers have found dieters can increase their metabolic rate by as much as 30% by drinking 17 ounces of cold water. Actually, just being cold increases your metabolism. Your body has to burn about 100 calories to get warmed back up to normal temperature. Plus, thirst is often mistaken for hunger, so staying hydrated can help keep you from overeating too.

6. Switch to green tea. Studies show green tea can speed up metabolism and help burn fat. So consider exchanging your morning cup of java for a mug of green tea – especially since it's also been shown to be a good source of antioxidants.

7. Get an optimum level of good fats. According to fish oil and weight loss research, certain specific omega 3 fatty acids are important for their fat conversion abilities. Essential fatty acids are also necessary to keep your thyroid and other hormonal glands working optimally.


Foods for a high metabolism:
Grapefruit (helps to dissolve fat and cholesterol!)
Cayenne pepper
Salsa
Hot pepper
Chilli sauce
Mustard
Ice water (not with meals)
Green tea - hot or cold, especially before a meal.
Apple cider vinegar (drink)
Cabbage
Celery (minus calories!)
Brussel sprouts

Broccoli
Cauliflower

Vinagerette dressing

Apples

Berries
Fish high in omega 3 (salmon, mackerel, tuna etc)

Soup

Oatmeal

Pumpernickel bread (reduces appetite)

:)

posting loads lately!

so i had a salad - 1 large iceberg lettuce leaf chopped, one tomato, one closed cup mushroom and an inch and a half wedge of cucumber chopped. i also had about 5 grapes, so overall today about 40 cals (i think!)
but i didn't eat it all. i put it into a new bowl that i bought today (my other ones were too wide and flat so food spreads out and seems like less). anyways, in my new bowl, my salad came to the top - it seemed like loads! i ate it quite slowly but got full quite quickly. i think i may be a bit hungry now, but i don't want anything so will probably down some water and have a green tea.

I've been having loads of green tea and grapefruit juice today to try and raise my metabolism after my little fast - the last thing i want is a slowed metabolism when i start eating again! i need to go back to eating breakfast tomorrow as i need to do some solid days revising for my exam on tuesday. i find a small bowl of cereal keeps me going for much longer! then  melba toasts and lettuce for lunch, and then i rarely get hungry in the evenings anymore. I've been drinking loads more too - but robinsons squash. i prefer the taste of it to water. its got no sugar and is low cal, but I'm still drinking loads of it so it must be adding calories. i think its about 5cal per 250 ml, and I'm drinking at least a litre a day :/ ah well, at least there's no sugar!

i am going to allow myself a krispy kreme as an after exam treat, but i think ill juice fast the next day or two to make up for it - can't let myself get back into old piggy habits!

hope everyone is doing good, and i wish you all your perfect body!

:)

question -

does a fast count if it goes over night?
i haven't eaten since about 6.30 last night (i just haven't felt hungry all day)
i was considering going through to tomorrow, but I've just been to the market and got a load of fruit and veg. i hate throwing food away (okay the market is reeeeally cheap, but still!) and it goes off faster because it hasn't been sprayed with preservatives.

so i was thinking of waiting till its been 24 hours and having a small salad. or should i just wait till tomorrow?

realisation

okay, so i just weighed myself on my accurate digital scales, and it appears that my crappy scales at home gave me false hope - i am 113lb, not 112lb.
but, the fact that i was so annoyed by this, gave me a bit of a shock. i am probably in a bit of denial about my eating habits. i have always had a bit of a guilty conscience about eating food that is bad for you, and have often been through phases of healthier eating. but it's gotten worse over the past year - i realised that about this time last year i joined a website where you can track your daily calorie intake and weight loss. according to my chart, it is clear that i have gone through phases of weight loss and calorie tracking, and then couldn't be bothered anymore, gained a couple of pounds and then repeated the process.

it seems to get worse each time, and this time definitely. it calculated that for me to lose 1.5 pounds a week with a sedentary lifestyle, i can afford to eat about 900 calories a day - but i hate it when the little bar creeps anywhere near the red line, so i eat much less, or try and burn it off it i eat more.

 i need to start working out how much i need to eat to stay the weight that i am. but i think i'll lose a couple more pounds first - just to that if i do fluctuate, hopefully i will remain 110 - 112. i wish i could just lose weight off my thighs :( there's a little bit of flab just at the top of the inside of my legs, i hate it. i like the way my tummy looks at the mo though :)

back at uni ...

feels like i've been away for aaaages (well i have - about 6 weeks i think! had a month off for easter then "reading weeks")
didn't realise how much i missed it. it's so nice to be back and see my uni friends again. i even missed my room - the smell and feel of it is all comforting, and everything in it is my own personal touch :) i know it's kind of like that at home, but it's a bit different here - it is completely mine (till i move out anyways, ha!) and an escape from my own escape at home,

the train journey up was good - really empty and quiet so i had a lot of time for thinking (3 hours!).  i love just staring out of train windows and day dreaming. it gave me the bug to go travelling again. at each stop i just wanted to get off and explore and experience everything that every little town or bustling city has to offer.

it has always been my dream to see as much of the world as possible - i got to a good start last summer travelling around europe for a month, but it's not enough! it's weird -like a craving - i need more!

(Venice 2010 <3 i think i'll get round to uploading more soon, and writing a bit about it, it was such an amazing experience!)

hope you're all good :)

yay :)

the sun is shining. and the scales said 112

Also, going back to uni today, which is good and bad - will be fuuun and get to see my fwendies again. I also get 100% control of my food (unless my flatmates have filled the place with chocolate lol. I also expect they're gonna make me a massive cake for early birthday celebrations :/) However, it also means exams, and being away from my boyfriend, which will be so hard after being back for such a long break :(

old drawings

From my "gothy" phase x) 

yay :)

im sat in my room watching "cook yourself thin" and doing a load of crunches and rowing band exercises when i can smell wafting upstairs the smell of dinner. Fish and chips.
admittedly it does smell delish but the thought of all that fat makes me queasy (okay it's homemade, not from a chippy and the fish is oven baked - but still)
buuuuut - it's not for me! dear mummy told me that i should only have a little thing to eat while my stomach gets better, and that i can make it myself. she even suggested a cup-a-soup - result :)
it's quite tempting to go downstairs and nick a chip, but i will not :) i shall do some more crunches and just smell the dinner. that will satisfy me :)

today has been good and bad :/

yesterday was a really good day calorie wise so i allowed myself a snack of a banana in the evening - i sooo wish i hadn't! i think i must be allergic to them or something (is that even possible?!) because as soon as i ate it i felt a bit sick, which soon escalated into REALLY sick and intense stomach cramping. did not agree with my poor tummy at all (it's still feeling sorry for itself now). this also happened at christmas (i was working in a supermarket and threw up while serving a customer!!)
but then when i stepped on the scales this morning, it said 112.5 (ish - i can't really tell because we have rubbish non-digital ones. i cant wait to get my digital ones back from uni).
so- that made me happy, but then i stepped on and off and it went up to 113.5 ish. guhhh.

to make things worse, i went into the living room this morning and noticed that my mum had laid out little bowls of sweets. my favorite sweets - rowntrees very berry jellies and chocolate raisins. i couldn't resist :( i had  or 6 jellies (about 75-80cal) and about 10 raisins (about 40cal). i suppose i should be happy because i was on the brink of a binge but i resisted.

i also haven't been for a run in ages :( crunches etc can only do so much :( although i am loving my rowing exercise band thingy at the mo :)

on the other hand - having a poorly tummy means that i can get away with a teeny dinner this evening, yay :)
(not that i could eat a whole meal anyways!)

i hate the sound of some peole eating

blurrgh. especially when they're all salivary and throaty. and shovelling it down their throat. ewww.

although today has been a low calorie day, so that cheers me up :) even though i had salad and chicken stuffed with boursin for dinner. it was light boursin and i managed to get away with scraping a lot of it out and spreading it around my plate.

i even had a bit of toast (cut the crusts off so it was 20g) cut in half again with cinnamon sugar on one side and peanut butter on the other - and my whole days intake is still about 350 :) gonna do some crunches and stuff in a bit.

i read something today that peanut butter is actually really good for you and can even burn fat (in low portions) because it is full of good fat! but only real peanut butter, not the sugary over processed stuff. the reduced fat peanut butter can actually be bad for you as they replace the good fats (which can burn body fat) with bad fat - so there's an excuse to be a little bit indulgent - yay :)

the sun makes me snap happy :)

some of the photos from my easter break ...

(the first lot are from my grandparents farm)

(These are from a sub-tropical garden)

Tah-dah! I'm quite proud of them :')