drowning

i feel that recently i have been treading water on whatever is going on in my head at the moment (there is definately something not normal). but now i am sinking and i don't have the strength to get back to the surface again.

i am so tired; emotionally, physically and psychologically drained.

i don't know whats wrong with me. i have so much revising to do. but i am so tired. i should probably be eating more to give me more energy, but i am too tired to eat. i feel sick eating the same amount as i did when i was trying to lose weight, when i would be hungry. typical. so I'm probably going to lose more weight and get even more tired.

that's another thing - I'm so tired about caring about calories and food and exercise! in front of me is a canvas print of a photo of me and my boyfriend from our holiday  to the lake district last year. we were staying in a B&B, so that morning i would have had a cooked breakfast and not cared- i was on holiday! we went on a long walk all day over the hills, mountains and around lakes, and would have had a takeaway or restaurant dinner in the evening. and i would not have cared - or even thought about calories. maybe the week after i would have eaten a little better to make up for the cooked breakfasts, but it wouldn't have the all consuming hold on me as it does now.

and the annoying thing is, i wasn't fat then - even big. i said before, i have never been 9 stone or over - i am normally 8 and a half stone or under. and i was fine. happy.

sure, all girls care about calories a little bit, but i didn't let it rule my life. i am now the size that i want to be, but it's come at such a cost. it better get better when i get home!

uurgh. PMS probably, sowwy! moan moan moan!
but i am prepared for the weepies this week, especially with exams! i watched this program last night about a guy setting up a chocolate factory and trying to promote people to eat "real" chocolate, not all the stuff we normally eat with shit loads of sugar and milk and fat in.

anyways, he scientifically proved chocolate containing 70% and more cocoa was much better for you - it boosted performance and mood. i think there was something about burning fat in there too. and because its so rich you only need a teeny amount. so i got some of that.

its also got iron in it too, which i think i need. probably being a hypochondriac, but i think i've convinced myself I've got anemia lol. and my fingernails keep going blue when I'm a teeny bit cold. which is pretty much all the time.

mehhhhhh. cant wait till exams are over in a week and i can sleep for a day. possibly two!