Scars.

My kitten scratched me. She is very playful, and she accidentally scratched me while I was playing with her. A deep scratch. On my left wrist.

My mum saw it happen, heard me exclaim "Ow!!" and asked if she had scratched me. I pulled back my sleeve and looked at the long, bright, glistening, strawberry score going down my arm.

I almost burst out laughing when I saw it because it directly intercepts a long, horizontal, white, ridged scar. One of many. One of many that I have given myself. It seemed ironically funny to me that I complained that that little scratch hurt, when there before me was clear evidence of a much deeper, longer, more painful cut that I had inflicted upon myself.

I'm not sure if my Mum saw that it cut through the scar - maybe I only noticed it because I know exactly where they all are and what they look like. However - she has never mentioned the scars to me before. I think she just doesn't want to bring that horrible time up. It's not like I hide them anymore, but no one seems to mention them. RG did once, but after my reaction, never did again. I saw my Dad staring at them when my bare arm was forced in front of his face on the tube when we went to London. I quickly moved it. But he didn't say anything.

I saw E for the first time since March yesterday. She pulled a worried face and said I looked too thin. She left it at that - no probing. I liked it. Later than night I went to the pub wearing skinny leggings and a T-shirt. No one said anything. I wanted them to notice. Maybe they did; but no one said anything. I hated that they didn't, but more than that, I hated that I cared that they didn't tell me how thin I am. Even though if they had, I would have been scared that they wouldn't drop the topic.

I remember well the first day that I didn't wear arm "warmers" to cover my arms, and I bared my scars to the world. It had began as a fashion statement for me I suppose, wearing the arm warmers (I was kind of "gothy"/"emo"). I would make them out of stripy knee high socks or footless tights, so that they would be long enough to cover 3/4 of my entire arm. I was never seen without them. They became useful when I began cutting. I was afraid that they would think it strange that I wore them in summer, but I had been wearing them for so long that it wasn't that big a deal. And I had made a thinner summer pair out of fishnet tights.

Then one day - a year or so after I stopped cutting - I decided that perhaps the ugly, purple stains, ridges and grooves had faded enough to white that I could perhaps not cover them. It was a very hot day, and I was growing out of my "emo" phase - the arm warmers didn't look right with my new wardrobe. So I didn't wear them. I was nervous, but kind of excited. What would people say when they noticed?

But they didn't.

I don't know if they didn't notice, or just didn't want to say anything. Maybe they already knew. I don't know.

It was a weird feeling. People must have seen them. They must guess what I did to myself.

It made me wonder. Those scars - that I gave myself - reflect a self destructive side of me. And I am doing exactly the same to myself right now, but in a way that could produce less obvious scars; a thin body can be covered up, pale faces can be painted, flaky skin can be moisturised, dry hair can be cut and dyed. But essentially it is the same. And are these scars more dangerous? I probably have much scarier scars inside of me - my bones and organs. Why am I so self destructive? For attention? I don't think so. I don't know.


It's like I am choosing to be unhappy.




I think that, for now, this is goodbye.




  

thank you

I just wanted to say a quick thank you for all your lovely comments and support lately - you girls are great :)

a few life updates - I have managed to not use my calorie calculator for about a week. I thought it would drive me crazy not meticulously calculating and recording every single calorie, but in fact it's kind of nice to get out of that habit. However, it's probably not such a good thing on the maintaining wise side of things - I am still counting, but it's involving more estimating, and counting roughly in my head, and I am probably eating even less than before :/

Weight - 96 lb.

My mother is now off work for the summer (she is a chef in a kitchen that supplies schools, so gets their cushty holidays!) I was a bit worried that she might be more controlling over food (eg - offer to make me a sandwich and act odd when I turn it down) but she leaves that completely up to me which is nice - she probably realises I'm used to it now in a uni girl and my eating habits are all different anyways now.

And my brother has gone to work on my grandparents farm for the summer to help with the harvest and stuff. Which is extra nice - peace and quiet! He has been being such a dick lately - probably puberty and a lack of male company, so I think it will do everyone good. It also means that I can do a lot more cooking for dinner with out him throwing a massive tantrum when I try something new because "It's not normal!" And also means the house isn't filled with junk food, and I won't feel weird being the only one having salad instead of chips with dinner (my mum usually gives in if she's cooking my brother chips. I think she's quite glad I'm a salad girl as I'm pretty sure she wants to lose weight.)

I feel so bad for my poor boyfriend - I was in such a bad mood last night. I was really busy all day, so (sort of accidentally) ate really little - one of those kids cereal selection sized box of Rice Krispies (77) with the teeniest amount of milk - dunno how much. I don't really like milk on my cereal haha. Then about half an apple, and for dinner, some iceberg and cucumber salad with a teeney grilled salmon fillet and a teaspoon of cottage cheese. Physically I was feeling fine, but was a bit grumpy. I had two Thorntons chocolates in the evening to give myself a bit of a pick up when my boyfriend came, but it didn't work. I'm not sure how much the chocolates were - the box says each one has approximately 63 calories, but one of them was a turkish delight, and I know they have less, and a lot less fat. I dunno overall calorie total, but it's less than I need to maintain, I know that!

So, maybe it was because I was tired, hadn't eaten enough and my hormones are all messed up from missing the pill and my period being due, but I was in the weirdest mood. So touchy, and annoyed by the smallest thing. Literally - I got pissed off because he was breathing loudly. Then I got pissed off at myself for being pissed off at him for the stupidest reason. I'm so sorry for him - he looked so confused.

I don't know why he puts up with me.

Memories of Italy cheer me up <3

selfish intentions

I only want someone to know, so that they can comfort me. So that they can listen, and understand - or just act like they do. So that they can hug me, and tell me everything will be okay. So that they can comfort me and offer me help when I ask for it.

But I am afraid that they will not understand. That they will be upset and angry. They will want to help me, but not in the way that I want them to. They will watch me, and pester me and interrogate me. And judge me and treat me differently.

Was that the beginning?

I went shopping with my Mum yesterday - I had to buy some new leggings. All of my size 8(UK) jeans are too big for me. Even with a belt they are baggy everywhere else, and just don't look right. So leggings it is; and I was getting bored of my variations of plain black or wet look black.

So I got some grey ones and some blue ones. Size 6, because size 8 were too baggy and they don't sell size 4's.

As I was putting them away, I noticed a pair of jeans that I had bought at the very end of last year - size 8 from Primark. I remember them being a very tight fit, despite my old Primark size 8's fitting fine. I made excuses - "They're new, they need wearing in and stretching a bit. They're cheap - I expect Primark were cutting down on material or something!And it's Christmas - I'm bloated!"

Then I noticed my absolute favourite (and most expensive) jeans - size 8, high waisted, from Topshop, which I had bought just after Christmas. They are the only ones that look okay on me now - if they have been freshly washed so are shrunk a little, and with a belt done as tight as it would go. When I bought them they were a little snug too.

I tried to make similar excuses - but this time there was louder voice. "Stop making excuses! It's fat - you're just fat. Lose some weight."

I obeyed.

I am still obeying.

got some time to spare?

i have made a new page - go check it out if you want to read an essay length, moany letter of honesty.

perhaps i should actually give it to Somebody, instead of Nobody...

conflicted

should i tell someone?

i think it might help.

it might make things worse.

i refuse to be branded with any illness.

i refuse to step into a psychiatrists office unless it is my own - how can i be a doctor of mental health if i have the stamp of problems myself?

who can i tell?

I'm going to make a list ...

fuck

or maybe not. my sex drive is gone. completely; not a spark.

i tried, but i felt bored, then it just hurt, then i cried. luckily he didn't notice. and it's not his fault. it's all me.

numb ...

and i had a diet irn bru earlier that has given me massive cravings and headaches. you can taste the sweetener shit in it. diet coke doesn't do this to me, why didn't i just stick to good old diet coke? that stuff never lets me down.

not happy.

fuuuuuuuck.

Hogwarts will always be there to welcome you home.

I could write forever about how much I love Harry Potter, but as they say "a picture speaks a thousand words"... so here's a few :)

three years

yesterday my boyfriend and i celebrated our third year "anniversary". i suppose i can call it that - obviously we're not married, but what else could you call it?

i can't believe how long it's been, or how quickly it's gone.

and how much we have changed.

the day was perfect - even though the weather was temperamental. he took me to see harry potter on Friday - i count that as part of my present :) it was so good, can't believe it's over. Saturday we had a nice lazy day in bed then went out to the pub in the evening for a friends birthday. yesterday he drove me 100 miles to Plymouth because he knows how much i like it there ( it was my second choice uni ) and because he wanted to take me to this restaurant that sold really good lobster. unfortunately, as they only serve fresh lobster, there wasn't any, but i still had this gorgeous meal of king prawns, scallops and monk fish cooked in a garlic, chili and ginger sauce with a side salad. it was so good. we went shopping for a little bit before, i was about to pay for my items when he ambushed me and shoved his card in the machine first.

he is so sweet. i love him so, so, so much.

even now, with my numbed emotions.

in fact, i think it makes me love him more; for him to still love me, and to put up with me the way he does.

sure, we have had our ups and downs, and have both considered the end at some point, but i think that neither of us can contemplate a life without each other. we are each other. he is my world.

my world that has recently suffered from a meteor crash of disordered eating. he hasn't seen the damage directly, but i am sure that he has felt the vibrations. he doesn't deserve what i am putting him through without him even knowing- does he deserve me?

no - he doesn't deserve me when i am like this. but i will change. i will not let him see the damage i have caused. i will build a wall around it to protect him from it, and let nature heal it. over time the ugly, brown scar in the face of my world will start to grow gentle green grass and delicate meadow flowers. it will disguise it and will seem as if everything will be back to normal. the damage will still be there, but it will not bother us.

so know i'm gonna stay right here; because you saved my life once

sometimes putting my ipod on shuffle can be disasterous; bringing up embarrasing songs i forgot i had, songs which ruin my mood, dredge up old, horrible memories, etc. but today it has behaved itself - choosing the most perfect "pick me up" song from a gorgeous band that i used to be obsessed with, but havent listened to in ages.

 

for anyone who watches One Tree Hill; Wakey!Wakey! is Grubbs' band in real life - i think all of the songs he sung on the show are his own work, and there have been other songs used in older episodes as background music. these are a few of my favourites :)

this one reminds me of my boyfriend<3

This one is beautiful:

 

and this one is just fun :)

And this is an extract of lyrics from one song that i don't think was ever officially recorded, but i found the lyrics and they spoke to me.

You have a tendency to not say things that come to mind,

And wait until the worst of times to say that you're afraid
you have a tendency, to bury all these things inside,
and let them grow and let them thrive
and I am certain it is too late now,

an amazing discovery

http://www.danoneshape.com/products/show/zero/apple-crumble

i love them!

fancy an apple crumble? those words sound scary, but this sooo isn't - a virtually fat free dessert yogurt with 85 cals - sooo thick and creamy :) there's no actual crumble in it, but somehow it tastes of crumble! and has nice chunks of apple in it. nom nom nom :)

okay, theres tonnes of sugar - but you can taste it in a way that will 100% satisfy - i deffo recommend. i also want to try the fuller for longer ones too (I'm not sure if all shape yogurts do that, or just the special ones)

as for the rest of the day food wise - i feel like I've eaten loads - i have, but mainly fruit, and a tonne of stir "fried" veg (i didn't use any oil) and tofu for dinner. i set myself the goal of attempting to reach 1600 calories today, as this is the amount i apparently need to maintain. it seems impossible. it is impossible. I've eaten about 800 according to my calorie calculator, and i know I've eaten less than i actually put in on several items. so that's a fail. i cant eat anymore! and i don't want to increase my intake by just stuffing my face with fatty food.

this is hard.

I'm going to try not using my calorie calculator for a few days and see what happens- i think that makes me obsess too much. but i have a feeling it may make things worse, and ill just be calorie counting in my head; which will probably end up in my over estimating the amount i am actually eating.

"Advice from a caterpillar"

The Caterpillar and Alice looked at each other for some time in silence: at last the Caterpillar took the hookah out of its mouth, and addressed her in a languid sleepy voice.

“Who are you? ” said the Caterpillar. This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, “I—I hardly know, sir, just at present—at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.”

“What do you mean by that?” said the Caterpillar sternly. “Explain yourself!”

“I can’t explain myself, I’m afraid, sir,” said Alice, “because I’m not myself, you see.”

“I don’t see,” said the Caterpillar.

“I’m afraid I can’t put it more clearly,” Alice replied very politely, “for I can’t understand it myself to begin with; and being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing.”

“It isn’t,” said the Caterpillar.

“Well, perhaps you haven’t found it so yet,” said Alice; “but when you have to turn into a chrysalis—you will some day, you know—and then after that into a butterfly, I should think you’ll feel it a little queer, won’t you?”

“Not a bit,” said the Caterpillar.

“Well, perhaps your feelings may be different,” said Alice; “all I know is, it would feel very queer to me.”

“You!” said the Caterpillar contemptuously. “Who are you?”

I have considered speaking to someone. To tell them about my state of mind and body, and to ask them to help guide me back a few steps. But i cannot. How would i begin? How could i explain something to someone else, when i cannot even explain it to myself? “because I’m not myself, you see.” I have gone over conversations in my head, and no matter how i word it, it is always horrible.
"But why? How could you let this happen? You have always been skinny. You don't need to lose weight. It's stupid, and ridiculous, and selfish and vain and now you have burdened us with your silly, petty troubles, and we don't want them and we don't like you anymore!!"

No - it is too much to tell someone else. Maybe i will wait until i can sort things out myself a bit first. I feel that (to others) the smaller the number i present them with, the more it will hurt. I have maintained 99 pounds for the last few days, and i have been slowly working old foods previously banned back into my life. Although, i still haven't gone over 800 calories, even with the 10g of cheese and 1/4 teaspoon of nutella. I will get there on my own - after all, butterflies do.

First, however, she waited for a few minutes to see if she was going to shrink any further: she felt a little nervous about this; “for it might end, you know,” said Alice to herself, “in my going out altogether, like a candle. I wonder what I should be like then?” And she tried to fancy what the flame of a candle is like after it is blown out, for she could not remember ever having seen such a thing.

"a free ride when you've already paid"

firstly - thank you all for your lovely comments on my last post. they made me smile and feel good about myself - something which hasn't happened in ages. you guys rock :) i feel so lucky to "know" you.

now: onto my title.

a couple of things have happened in the last week or so that, if they had come a month or so earlier - i would have loved - but now i don't really need them. to begin with - i don't get hungry any more. or i  don't recognise it. the smallest thing can fill me up. i also hardly ever have cravings, and i just don't want food. this would have been perfect when i was restricting - but now i need to maintain - even (could i possibly?!) gain a couple of pounds. today i am definitely feeling the effects of my diet - i do not feel well.

i had to force myself to eat something for breakfast more than a quarter grapefruit. i managed to eat two go ahead yogurt slices and even a mini mr kipling choc chip cake. i had to stuff them in my mouth though, and i felt - and feel - so sick. i know that i could have chosen a healthier breakfast but i thought i would challenge myself - a mr kipling cake bar would have been gone in seconds a year ago, but no... just under 350 calories. i suppose to other people that's normal. to me - it's loads..

secondly - i have my job back at tesco for the summer. and the hours i am contracted are perfect for fasting. saturday 4.00 till 9.00, sunday 1.00 till 4.15 and any overtime i can get. so far the overtime (and my contracted hours) run over "normal" dinner and lunch times. again - a month or so this would have been a blessing. i could tell my mum that i didn't need dinner because i had/will have something at work. and working distracts me from being hungry - despite being surrounded by food - it doesn't make me want to eat it.

i had a wander around on my break to see if i could tempt myself with what i would have eaten a year ago.

• past the bakery section - absolutely not
• sweets and chocolate? don't be silly
• the crisp aisle - maybe some snack-a-jacks? nope.
• fridges - all that pasta and processed meat? yuck
• the "food on the go" section. i picked up some sushi. then put it down.
• the fruit and veg aisle. that's more like it. i'll have an apple. a small one.

luckily the canteen was empty.

i've done all the work - but now i get all these helping hands. but i need to stop! i don't feel good.

one hundred pounds

for two days. one part of me was happy. the anal part on me was pleased with the most perfect, round number. the more rational side of me was shocked. my goal weight was 112, yet, somehow, i had just carried on. to begin with it was just insurance weight - so i could afford to fluctuate a bit. but now - i don't know. to "celebrate" i (almost reluctantly) let myself have a hobnob and took some pictures, which i thought i would share with you guys. here goes ...

please excuse my awful tanlines. also, my massive shoulders, huge ribcage, flat bum and turny in knees. but ... this is me.

aim gun at foot ... and fire

soooo, the doctors now have it on permanent record that i am *drum roll*  ... underweight.

fantastic.

and the great thing is, i think i could have gotten away with not being weighed. she asked me if i was about the same weight and i replied "yeah pretty much" then shot myself in the foot by saying "just lost a couple of pounds i think." "nothing too dramatic i hope" she said. sooo, on the scales i went. and apparently it was a dramatic loss. last time i was 56 kg (about 124 lb) and this time i was about 48 kg i think (105 lb) i didn't see the scales properly, but on the screen my bmi said 17.6. even though it was the evening, i had tried to fill up on water and was wearing a heavy cardie that added about a pound (i checked beforehand). what would she have said if she had seen the 101.0lb on the scales this morning while i was naked and had just been to the toilet? i wonder what's a more representative measurement? i never stay the number it says in the morning throughout the day, but im back to it the next morning. so i suppose it is a true measurement?

she asked me if i was eating properly. "yes."
she then asked me if i was a lazy cook, if i exercised vigorously, if i made myself sick after eating. does she think i'm an idiot? i told her "no" and spun some story about how i went on a health kick after Easter, and didn't realise that i was underweight.

it seemed like she wouldn't drop it. she kept on repeating that it was a large weight loss.

"hmmmm. we'll just leave it, and keep an eye on it then."

and finally dropped it. but it's still on record. i hate those things.

all i wanted was some more contraceptive pill! guhhh. hopefully i have gotten away with it. i was creeping myself out thinking she was gonna phone my mum like my head of year did after finding out that i cut myself. but then i remembered the whole confidentiality thing, and i'm not a child anymore, so she can't tell tales on me. can she?

introversion is bliss

lately, i have been noticing that my mind is becoming more and more at peace. it was all messed up a couple of weeks ago, there was too much going on in it - yet not enough. i was numb but there was screaming inside my head.
now ... i float along merrily enough.

but only when i am on my own. i can sit inside of myself and watch the world go by, just watching.

in this floaty, dreamy state, i am happy. there is no interaction with the world to bother me, there is only myself. but when the world forces me to interact with it, things change. i suddenly become tired; everything is an effort. my senses are dulled. i am snappy. now i am outside of myself and watching in horror as i am a moany, touchy bitch to people. my poor boyfriend, he puts up with so much. but i am tired from the effort of having to put on  facade for people. i have to watch myself be grumpy and hear myself say things which i know will annoy him, yet they come out anyway.

i get so, so tired when i have to interact, yet the moment i am allowed to be alone again, i am awake. my boyfriend will leave because it's late and i'm tired, i will get ready for bed and just sit reading blogs and looking at recipes, happy to be at peace inside of myself again.

it's messed up. i am not normally an introvert. but at the moment, i am loving it. but i hate that i love it so.

why does tidying alway equate losing things?

this time it was my pill. great. so i've missed the beginning of my cycle and have to be off it for a month.

i'm a bit freaked out - any one know what happens? i've heard about putting on weight, or is it just bloating?

i'm also annoyed because it may mess up my nice neat system - at the mo i start the pack on a saturday, finish on a friday, get my period the next monday and it's over by the next friday. nice "round" days - i'm anal like that haha! like, i have to have volumes on even numbers, or the nearest multiple of five :)

also - yay for the new series of one tree hill finally reaching the UK! i was missing my fixes of perfectly beautiful people and their elegant, spontaneous, motivational speeches :) although, i miss Peyton and Luke.

an insight into the old me ...

i  have been in the process of cleaning/sorting out my room at home. after living in my uni room with pretty much just the things i need and a few decorative things, my old, cluttered room needs a serious clear out. i would love to have one of those artsy or minimalistic (ish) rooms, but i am too much of a hoarder!

so i have been ruthless and thrown away a load of old crap that I've kept for no reason (receipts, labels, notes, toys won from fairs, etc etc.)

anyways, i came across an old notebook from about 3 years ago. it has a load of "emo" poetry written in it; loads of dark, moany segments of my mind. i thought i would post a couple, dunno why. i picked the less embarrassing ones :P

She's a mess;

plasters her face with make up so that nobody knows she spent all night crying.

She's a mess;

dyes her hair just to fit in, but she never really does.

She's a mess;

spends time drawing broken hearts and crying eyes, hoping someone will notice. But nobody does.

Tries so hard to fit in, be the best at everything, but she doesn't realise that she just needs to be herself.

So maybe that's why you're distant.

So maybe if i just changed back to the girl i used to be, it will all be fine

She's a mess;

keeps all her emotions locked away in a metal case in her heart.

She's a mess;

her friends have given up worrying because she never tells them what's wrong.

She's a mess;

sits alone inside herself among so many people that once cared.

She's a mess;

but she tries.

I think i wrote this next one some time after i had recovered from my depression:

Such innocence;

a child brimming with smiles, 

eyes full of life, 

pale white skin - intact.

She grows, she changes.

What happened?

Such pain;

a girl haunted be memories, 

eyes full of tears, 

"cat scratches" lace her skin.

It's nothing. She's fine - never better.

Such bravery;

a girl defiant till the end.

Heart full of courage.

The pain has gone

but like the scars, the memories linger.