three years

yesterday my boyfriend and i celebrated our third year "anniversary". i suppose i can call it that - obviously we're not married, but what else could you call it?

i can't believe how long it's been, or how quickly it's gone.

and how much we have changed.

the day was perfect - even though the weather was temperamental. he took me to see harry potter on Friday - i count that as part of my present :) it was so good, can't believe it's over. Saturday we had a nice lazy day in bed then went out to the pub in the evening for a friends birthday. yesterday he drove me 100 miles to Plymouth because he knows how much i like it there ( it was my second choice uni ) and because he wanted to take me to this restaurant that sold really good lobster. unfortunately, as they only serve fresh lobster, there wasn't any, but i still had this gorgeous meal of king prawns, scallops and monk fish cooked in a garlic, chili and ginger sauce with a side salad. it was so good. we went shopping for a little bit before, i was about to pay for my items when he ambushed me and shoved his card in the machine first.

he is so sweet. i love him so, so, so much.

even now, with my numbed emotions.

in fact, i think it makes me love him more; for him to still love me, and to put up with me the way he does.

sure, we have had our ups and downs, and have both considered the end at some point, but i think that neither of us can contemplate a life without each other. we are each other. he is my world.

my world that has recently suffered from a meteor crash of disordered eating. he hasn't seen the damage directly, but i am sure that he has felt the vibrations. he doesn't deserve what i am putting him through without him even knowing- does he deserve me?

no - he doesn't deserve me when i am like this. but i will change. i will not let him see the damage i have caused. i will build a wall around it to protect him from it, and let nature heal it. over time the ugly, brown scar in the face of my world will start to grow gentle green grass and delicate meadow flowers. it will disguise it and will seem as if everything will be back to normal. the damage will still be there, but it will not bother us.