i love london

i always have, even before i had ever been there i wanted to go, and wanted to live there when i grew up. i thought perhaps that the novelty of the capital would wear off after a few time of going, but it hasn't, its just got stronger!!

i went there on Monday with my dad who had a hospital appointment in the pain clinic of this hospital. i think i may apply there for my psychology placement year.

we went shopping after <3

i still love, love, love it!!

the people, the places, the buildings, the atmosphere. even the tube :)
and the sun was shining (everything is better in the sun!) it was the perfect heat for me (i.e. very hot)

i knew i wanted to live there before, but now i cant wait!! although my boyfriend told me today that he doesn't want to move there :( however - he has never been there so he may change his mind :)

on a slightly more down note - my dad was being weird about food. I've said before that he's not used to my eating habits, one; because he doesn't live with me and two; because he eats loads himself.

when i got in the car, one of the first things he asked was if i had had breakfast. i lied and said yes. he stopped off for fuel and was almost confused when i said i didn't want any sweets or chocolate - (it was about 8am!). i bought a large apple with me and made a point of eating it in front of him and telling him it had filled me up.

he then went into a cafe and had a fry up (uuurgh) and acted weird when i said i didn't want anything, i wasn't hungry yet - especially if we were gonna get street food from Camden.

he made a couple of comments about me being too skinny, and the worst - "you keep on talking about food - it's starting to worry me." wtf?!

we got a small carton of mixed Chinese food for lunch - noodles, a few bits of random fried chicken, a spoonful of sweet and sour chicken, spoonful of chicken in black bean sauce and some weird fried crab stick thing that was meant to be a prawn with veg. i was wanting him to eat half, but he said he wasn't hungry, even though it was a while since he ate. i think he was trying to make me eat it all. but he ate some anyways - i said i didn't like the fried chicken things after i nibbled a bit, and i left a lot of the noodles and the sauce at the bottom.

we did a lot of walking and stair climbing that day, so i think i would have burned a lot of it off.

but he kept on asking me (especially on the drive home) if i was hungry. how could i not be hungry? we could stop off somewhere if i was hungry? was i sure?

uurgh!! i had to point out after he said "all you've had is toast, an apple and half a Chinese, how are you not hungry?" that he hadn't eaten since his fried "breakfast" at lunch time several hours ago. that soon shut him up. he didn't stop at services on the way home though (thank god) because he wanted to get home more than he was hungry. took me several attempts to tell him that i wasn't hungry, and even if i was i didn't want a burger king or KFC.

uurghhh. hope he doesn't carry on like this!

on the plus side - i didn't gain anything after that Chinese - in fact, was 105 the day after, even with my period :)

my dopamine soothed brain is happier today

SONNET 116 <3

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
   If this be error and upon me proved,
   I never writ, nor no man ever loved. 

he still loves me, even though i have changed. he is so wonderful to. even though i have been so short with him recently - he noticed my behaviour's changed. i was just so tired last week so was easily annoyed. no energy to be happy, no libido to make him happy.


he apologised to me that we haven't been having much sex lately. he gets tired too - but tends to just fall asleep rather than get irritable. i felt so bad. even in a half asleep state he would be up for it if i initiated it. but i am never in the mood.


i wasn't last night, but he was. "uurgh, okay then, just get on with it" i thought. he felt like a stranger in my arms. to begin with my body gave none of its normal reactions - i felt almost bored. it was horrible, i felt so guilty. but then things started happening as they should, and it was though i could feel the release of dopamine and serotonin pierce their way through and wash over my numbed mind and body. and when we reached the climax, the wave of happiness and love that came over me was so strong that i shed a tear or two (luckily it was dark so he didn't notice, haha.)


he is so good, i don't deserve him. putting up with all my crap just to carry on loving me.

sleepy and slightly hungover ...

yet the first thing i do, as usual, is:

• go to the loo
• get naked
• weigh myself
• get dressed
• check blogger
• check my calorie counter

same old, same old. not feeling too good right now, probably just the left over alcohol in me, and the fact that we ate reeeeeally late last night :/ it was my birthday :) had a pretty good day shopping with my mum. only had a quarter cup of lucky charms in the morning, and a small slice of cake in the evening, which I'm hoping i burned off  shopping.
(something good (and bad) - i kept on seeing my reflection and thinking that i looked skinny :) (i was wearing these tight leggings). and i tried on these size 6 shorts, and they were too big! a bit scary but nice! i didn't get them because i thought my mum might say something. so i got these other nicer ones - size 8 but with this cute belt so they dont look too big :) )

my boyfriend had a bad day at work, so had to push back out dinner reservation till nine. i hadn't even been hungry all day, and that seemed ridiculously late, but i had been looking forward to trying this new Nepalese restaurant for so long, so i didn't mind.
although, because it was so late i had to make out that i was starving, because he was, so we got starters as well as main. i had this spicy prawn thing, which i didn't really like as they weren't king prawns (only the fancy ones for me, haha!) so i managed to get him to eat most of it. there was, i dunno - a cup of prawns there? (I'm rubbish at guessing and English so this cup thing is something I'm trying to learn as a lot of things on my calorie counter are measured in cups. it's also easier to guess cup sizes than grams if you don't know how much it is!!)

his starter was amazing. i was considering getting it, but didn't for some reason. it was charcoal grilled lamb (the lamb bit being probably why i didn't get it!) with these amazing spiced onions. i managed to get away with mainly eating the onions :)

for main i had special mixed chowmein "Gurkha Style" was pretty yummy :) of course, i spent half the time trying to guess the calories (sigh). it looked like a massive portion, but the plates weren't that big, so i think it was about a standard serving of fine egg noodles, like the do the sharwoods ones, which is about 250 cals. so i guessed around 500 for the whole meal, just in case. probably way off haha!

my boyfriend had this king prawn curry, with sag aloo and egg fried rice. for some reason i tried it a few times, even though the first time i didn't really like it. suppose it was a "let me try again, just to make sure!" but no, it tasted waaaay to creamy and heavy, like i could literally taste the cream.

and we shared a bottle of red wine. i probably had more - i just wanted one glass but he insisted!!

then he gave me my presents :) these CD's i wanted, a DKNY watch (which must have been pretty expensive as i already have one - not sure why he bought me a new one, bless him, but its lush!). aaand ... the biggest box of Thornton's chocolates, dark classic collection with all of my favorites and not one single one that i don't like.

oooh, he knows me too well. well, the old me. he doesn't know how much the new me is going to obsess over those chocolates! i had three last night, they were soooo good, and it was so hard for me not to have more - but they're approximately 65 calories each, and there's 50 of them! 3250 calories in the box - if the estimated calories is right!!

so I've made some rules:

• keep the box downstairs, preferably out of sight.
• only allowed three a week at the end of a week if its been good.
• be generous - try and get others to eat as many as possible!

i feel a bit bad about the last one, but if i make sure my boyfriend gets loads, that's fine :)


soooooo ... (long post!) the scales just said 107. 1 pound up from yesterday, but its not too bad with my really late dinner, should go down tomorrow. bit worried about this weekend - going to the grandparents on Sunday as usual. i bet she will do a roast again. i bet it will be lamb :/ then going to London (YAY) with my dad on Monday. we're going really early as he has a hospital appointment at half ten, so i can pretend i ate before we left, maybe take some fruit for when he suggests a drive through. he doesn't live with me so isn't used to my eating habits, but never has been - he would be amazed when we went to stay with him that i would have one piece of toast for breakfast or one small bowl of cereal.

anyways - that's going to be another piggy day, as the street food stands at Camden market are amazing, and always give out free samples which are hard to resist. *cries inside*

however - one ray of hope ... when i weighed myself yesterday 4 days after pigging out 150% all weekend - i was back to 106! i was amazed - sooo happy! nice little birthday present to myself :) still haven't decided on my goal weight yet, but i think i'll wait till next week till all the food calms down a bit. but then there will be the Sunday after that, and another one of my grans delicious calorie laden meals, which  i cant help but compensate for after. :/ maybe i should just let Sunday be my day off. maybe ...

uugrgh, i need to go running - havent in ages!

anyways (if you managed to get through all my ramblings!) hope everyone is good, and I'm gonna go now before i bore you anymore! :)

i wish ...

i wish i was an inch or so taller.
i wish my hair was longer (at least 5 more inches)
i wish my hair would grow faster.
i wish my body hair would grow slower (tmi? perhaps haha).
i wish i was as flexible as i used to be.
i wish my boobs were bigger.
i wish my nose was smaller.
i wish my teeth were straighter.
i wish my whole face was straighter.
i wish for good health.
i wish i could go travelling more.
i wish i was more confident around new people.
i wish to pass my degree.
i wish i can get a good job after university.
i wish to have a husband, child and own place by age 30.
i wish it would be him.

i wish to live in London at some point in my life.
i wish i was better at art.
i wish i drew more
i wish i read more.
i wish i wrote more.
i wish i could drive.
i wish i could sing.
i wish to stay in touch with friends as i grow older.
i wish i could be as good a mother as mine is.

i wish i could eat what i want and not care, like i used to.
i wish i could eat what i want and not put on weight like i used to be able to (maybe i still can, who knows?)
i wish my thighs wobbled less.
i wish my thighs were smaller.
i wish my stomach was more toned.
i wish my arms were more toned.
i wish i had the energy/motivation to exercise more.
i wish my self control continues to grow.

i wish to be happy, and for everyone around me to be happy.

cake dilemma!

in times gone by i have been satisfied by just having a smell of the thing i was craving. i thought that would be okay today with my birthday cake, but no, i wanted a bit. so i cut myself the smallest slither (which was pretty hard seeing how big it is!) and pigged out on that. but i reckon it was only about 50 calories - couldn't have been more than a biscuit.

but then i wanted more, so i got the rest of a slice and stuffed it in my mouth. it felt so good, but i felt so guilty. i think i swallowed another mouthful, then remembered how well chewing and spitting out worked, so i did that with the rest. sure, it doesn't look very nice, but if you hide it in a tissue and flush it away immediately, its fine :) i felt so proud of myself haha! i got the yumminess of the cake, without the calories. however, I'm annoyed because i don't know how much i did swallow. it wasn't that much, but I'm going to say 100-150 calories, just in case.

i don't feel that bad about it actually :) annoyed because i should have just saved it for my birthday (i can't let my "excuse" stretch out any more - I've already pigged out on 2 days in honour of my birthday!) but i spent 10 minutes doing step ups on the bottom of the stairs, so that's got to have burned a bit. doesn't seem like much but its the most I've done lately! will do some crunches with my rowing band later. and the rest of my intake was guuuurd :) bit of melon, about 60ml skimmed milk, salad, 1.5 frankfurters, a bit of polenta and reduced salt and sugar ketchup. so that's about 350 - minus the cake :) not sure if it's because I'm still slightly pretending to be ill, but my mum seems to have accepted i'm eating "healthier" so doesn't question that i have polenta when they have chips, and didn't bat an eyelid when i said i didn't want my hot dogs in a roll. yay :)

also - happy birthday Courtney :) hope you have a great day and enjoy giving yourself some freedom with your restaurant dinner :) <3

warning: explicit content

i really hope that the following photos don't cause any cravings / binges, i just wanted to show you guys what i was up against!!

sooo, Saturday evening was my party. i was going to try and fast all day, but that didn't happen - had chocolate raisins for breakfast and sampled some cheese, onion and apple pastry rolls and some pasta when we were setting up.

sooo, i honestly think i ate about a minimum of 6000 calories that night, the food was just so good, and even though i was feeling sick i couldn't stop myself from eating. i have literally never felt to sick in my life! it was so painful. and it had absolutely nothing to do with alcohol, it was purely the food because i am such a piggy. and i still couldn't make myself sick!! even though i was drunk! what is up with that?!

so i eventually reached my absolute limit and stopped eating (after loads of pasta, rice, sausage rolls, crisps, pizza, chicken, coronation chicken, sausages, veggie pastry things, brownies, cheesecake, cupcakes, and about 5 slices of millionaires shortbread. and probably other stuff!)

the next day i was still feeling soooo sick and ill so i "didn't have breakfast" but was nibbling on sausage rolls, crisps and brownies. then we had a roast dinner - i had a teeney one, which i felt was okay, but then had double helping of chocolate fondant pudding, and ate a load of leftover roast potatoes that were left on the table later in the day and a "little" slice of birthday cake. i have no idea how i managed to fit all that food in me!

so its nearly 4 the next day (Monday) and i have not been hungry all day, still been feeling a little sick, so haven't eaten anything, yay (i suppose). my mum knows I've been feeling sick, and i was like sort of retching all day yesterday, so she's just gonna do a chicken salad tonight. hopefully ill be able to play up the sick card as much as possible and leave some or get her to give me a tiny amount of chicken.

i feel really guilty, i am such a fatty. apparently I've put on 4 pounds (so am 110), but I'm not going to say that's a definitive weight yet - last night it said i put on half a stone but that was still because I've had loads of food in me, and well ... I've been visiting the toilet loads, so it may go down again tomorrow!
110 was a weight i was thinking of reaching, but not over 2 days!! that's why i feel so guilty about it, but it may go down tomorrow (hopefully!)

i was definitely in a "its my party so i am allowed to binge!" mindset, but i wont allow myself to carry it on at all! my mum has the day off on Thursday which is my birthday, so i may have to cut myself some more slack there, but i will try as hard as possible to keep my intake down low in the day, as my boyfriend is taking me out to dinner that  night, so that will be a tonne of calories too. and ill allow myself a "small" slice of birthday cake (its impossible to get a small slice with this cake!!)

These are the worst offenders - home made millionaires shortbread - she may have just served up crack cocaine! i guess about 500 calories a square? and a pound gained with each one!

portion sizes and tips

okay, this morning i had a little panic attack - the batteries in the kitchen scales have run out! and they're those expensive, pill shaped ones, so of course we don't have any just lying around the house.

but then i remembered this post that i've had lying around as a draft for a while. hopefully this will get me through the next few days till my mum gets some new batteries without me going completely insane! i hate not weighing food. but maybe this will be good for me - increasing portion sizes ever so slowly because i don't know how much i have.

i doubt it, i'm more likely to under estimate amounts! aah well.

1 oz. meat: size of a matchbox
3 oz. meat: size of a deck of cards, palm of your hand or bar of soap—the recommended portion for a meal
8 oz. meat: size of a thin paperback book
3 oz. fish: size of a checkbook
1 oz. cheese: size of 4 dice
Medium potato: size of a computer mouse
2 Tbs. peanut butter: size of a ping pong ball
1/2 cup/ 1 oz pasta: size of a tennis ball
Average bagel: size of a hockey puck
Medium apple or orange: the size of a tennis ball
1 cup chopped raw vegetables or fruit: baseball size or the size of your fist
1/4 cup dried fruit (raisins, apricots, mango): a small handful
Cup of lettuce: four leaves


Don't "eat from the bag." When snacking, place a few chips, crackers or cookies in a bowl to help prevent overeating.
Buy single portions of snack foods so you're not tempted by the whole bag or box.
Choose a sweet potato. It has vitamin C, potassium, calcium, vitamin A, folate, beta-carotene and less calories.
Use whole-grain pasta for extra fiber and satiety.
Use spray cooking oils instead of liquid.
If you have really bad cravings, plan a day when you will allow yourself a small portion of it, and eat extra well until then. Try and leave one week, or at least 3 days. The craving will seem like a treat that you have earned rather than given in to (and you never know, the craving may have gone by then!)

biggest.cake.ever!

earlier today i helped my mum bake and decorate my birthday cake. massive is not the word for it! she asked me to make an A4 template for the icing decoration because that was roughly how big the cake tin was. i thought that was pretty big, but there's a lot of people for it to feed, so okay! she borrowed the tin from work (she's a chef in a school) and oooomg. huuuge! okay, A4 sized, but i thought it was going to be about a couple of inches deep - well they are, but there are two! so it's about 6 inches high. with TEN eggs in and about THREE blocks of butter. weight watchers jam (ha!) in the middle and fondant icing on top. and a design of noddy :) the theme is children's TV characters - he was my fave :)

ooooh my, that's a big cake!

i am making sure that theres none left over after the party. keeping with the kids theme, if there's any leftover cake, everyone can be sent home with a party bag and a slice :)

that will definitely help me increase my calories! but theres no way i am not going to restrict for a few days after my party, there is going to be sooo much food and i will feel so guilty - my grans cooking is amazing and so hard to resist. (lol i sound so cool having my gran cook the food for my party - but my gran is pretty darn cool herself :) and acts a lot younger than her age. they have a massive farm house so and garden so just provide us with a place to party, food and drinks and leave us alone - have done since we were 15, so all my friends adore her)

in anticipation of this weekend, i've been eating really well - probably too well as i need to maintain, but i can do that after my binge fest. i even had a sandwich with 2 slices of bread, no butter though. but i did have about 10g cheese. was good :) i think i've over estimated amounts and stuff, and my overall intake was still 860.

getting better.

emotionally - today was okay. no real ups or downs, just a whole load of middle. i did feel a bit guilty earlier because i was relieved that my boyfriend wasn't coming in tonight. i was grateful for a break from playing happy - its tiring. but tomorrow will be okay - were going out drinking for a friends leaving do, so after a couple of drinks happy will come easy (ha- alcoholic? :P)

thank you guys for your comments, and for your blogs, they brighten up my day :)
i am still deciding whether to upload a picture of myself - i keep on changing my mind if i feel good or bad about the way i look at the moment. maybe i will tomorrow :)

trying to go backwards to go forwards

Thank you Courtney and Camille for your comments on my last post. Your concern means a lot to me. I love how, in this secret world, we can find support from strangers who feel like lifelong friends.

yesterday was better. it was sunny, I sat in the garden all day reading "Eclipse". it was a soul warming day, but in the evening when my boyfriend came round my mood had dropped a bit. I was trying to work up the courage to ask him what he honestly thought about my weight, but i couldn’t.

"what's up?"
*standard, programmed answer* "nah, it’s nothing, I’m just tired."

*inside answer* "I honestly have no idea, but I know that I’m not happy. it’s nothing that you have done, it’s what I’ve done to myself. I’m probably so depressed because I haven’t been getting enough nutrients because I haven’t been eating enough. I don’t know why I haven’t, but one day i decided to drop a couple of pounds - i don't know why - and i didn't stop. but i don't feel better. my clothes are too baggy and i am tired and grumpy all of the time. i am obsessed with counting calories, and i am tired of it. sorry, we cant have a proper conversation because i am trying to work out how many calories will be in tomorrows dinner, so i can work out what i should eat during the day. i know that i need to be eating more to maintain my weight, but i don't know how. there are lots of chocolates and biscuits in the house, but i don't want to do it that way. i suppose i could start small - semi skimmed milk. start using margarine again. using 2 slices of bread in a sandwich, not one. it's just, I've gotten into bad habits and they are hard to break. and this is too much mess for me to burden you with. i got myself into it, and i will get myself out, i don't want to worry you about my silly troubles. we are in love, and i don't want to introduce you into the secret food world in my head, because i think you will be scared. you don't belong in it - its not the real world, its just in my head, and i don't want to risk losing you by introducing you to it for no reason. I'm so sorry, i haven't been  myself recently, but i will be back soon. i love you too much to leave."

today i woke up gloomy, and the weather mirrored it. guhhh, looks like its going to rain for my party too, boo. will just have to get so drunk that i don't notice :) but not as bad as on my 18th when i passed out in a field and everyone thought i was dead. (poor them, i was oblivious and thought i was only gone 5 minutes! i had a great night haha). anyways, its later on in the day and i don't feel so bad. so that's good.

i was going to not blog for a while, but it feels weird not to. i think what i need to do is not use my calorie counter for a while, but that is even harder.

i was going to upload a picture of myself, but i don't think that would help. both positive and negative comments would probably cause me conflict.

i have to go backwards now. i need to increase my intake, and gain a couple of pounds to try and get my life back. but after going in one direction for so long and for so fast, its hard to go backwards, but i suppose it will take time. like a ship being put in reverse; its not going to happen straight away.

this is it - i have had enough of being numb

Last night I felt strange. I was trying to work out what was wrong with me, what I was feeling. And then it hit me; the crushing realisation.

I wasn't feeling anything, and I haven't in a long time.

My life used to be filled with such bright, sharp colours, which have all now faded into fuzzy greys. They are suffocating me.

The only thing that occasionally breaks through the haze is sadness. Never happiness, or love. Just sadness. Last night my boyfriend and I had sex. I felt nothing. I wanted to cry, because I wanted to feel. But I didn't. My heart used to swell with love for him. Maybe it still does, I just cannot feel it. My libido has definitely run away with my weight. I am not happy.

This morning there was a breakthrough. But not a happy one. I was applying my foundation over the hideous dark circles that dance around my eyes, and a wave of pain suddenly overcome me. Emotional pain. All of a sudden I was drowning in tears and had to curl up in a ball on the floor. I stayed there for an unknown amount of time, and when I finally stood up again to face the mirror, it nearly happened all over again.

Staring back at me was a girl that I hoped that I would never see again. She is not the real me. She is empty.

I think it is happening again.

I haven't felt like this since I was 16. I am starting to feel like I did when I had depression.

But this time it is worse. It is worse because I know that I brought it on myself. For some reason, I chose to lose the weight, and now it has broken me, physically and mentally. My clothes don't fit me any more - I hate the way they look so baggy. I don't have the money to buy a whole new wardrobe, and I don't want to - I like my clothes. I have no energy, no sex drive. No motivation to do anything than count calories.

The last time that I felt truly happy was when I reached my goal weight of 112. That was about a month ago. That was 6 pounds ago.

I just wanted to lose a few pounds. probably not even that - just a couple, and to tone up more.

But I've gotten in too deep. I have lost more than a couple of pounds, and I have no energy for toning, so I am just as wobbly as before. And I have only myself to blame.

I have had enough of feeling numb, empty, cold.

I am getting back up. I am at the bottom, but I am not going to stay here. I did it before and I will do it again. I will banish the sad girl in the mirror and find myself again.

reward

sooo, i was thinking the other day that i was annoyed that nobody had noticed (or mentioned) that i had lost weight. i mean I've lost about 8 pounds in a month. but i suppose that i didn't start from that high a weight, and i haven't bought any smaller clothes, so they could just be hiding it ...

anyways, i saw my dad yesterday for the first time in a couple of weeks (my parents are divorced so i only see my dad for a few hours on friday when I'm back from uni). anyways, he gave me a hug and said:

"you've lost weight, haven't you?"
me- "i dunno"
him- "you're too skinny"
me - "haha no i'm not." *change subject*

too skinny? no. but thank you for noticing that i have lost weight, i put a lot of effort into it! :)
anyways, we went to a newsagents and he asked if i wanted anything. i felt i would reward myself for someone noticing, so i got some fruit jellies. thought it would be okay - pretty much no fat, just sugar. and they were bloody sugary!! i had 6 nommy sweets, but kinda regretted it when i put them into my calorie tracker - 180 cals!

but at least it wasn't chocolate :) and I'm planning on eating reeeeally well today too. we're making falafel, which is pretty low cal even when you shallow fry them. and i can just stuff the pitta bread full of salad to make my dinner seem huge. then ill eat lots of fruit. i'll be eating loads physically, but not calorifically :)

thank you guys for the comments - they make me feel gooood :)
hope everyone is well! :)

not sure why- just because :)

beautiful people ...

soooo tired (but i just dont want to eat!)

i literally have no energy whatsoever, honestly, it's a struggle to even roll over in bed to get up :(
i know it's because i'm not eating enough, and i know i need to be eating more to maintain ... but i just don't want to.

i don't even feel hungry any more - just exhausted. i fill up on coffee, but that doesn't seem to do much.

i just don't know when to start eating "normal" again. i still feel guilty from the weekend, and over the next couple of weeks there will be a lot of eating and drinking as its my birthday. and birthday cake. urrrghhh.

i don't like being back at home and having so little control over dinner- i need to ask mum if i can cook some more. i don't like that she doesn't weigh stuff out, and always ends up with too much so the portions are massive. and she always uses too much oil - its unnecessary!! i spent a whole academic year at uni without even buying oil - we have fry lite spray - its genius!

suppose i should get up and try and eat some porridge. i know its not that bad for you, but its so high in calories in such a small portion! but also high in energy - which i definitely need anyway, despite all the cleaning and laundry and stuff i have to do.



mehhhhhh


(later)

oooh, the scales said 107!! that's lower that what i was before that baaaad weekend. happy happy happy :)
still don't want to eat though! haha. i may have some extra grapes to celebrate :)

i haven't ballooned (yet!)

so, it's Wednesday and the scales said 108.5 which I'm pretty happy about after that fatty weekend. still a bit worried that I'm gonna wake up and will have gained the exact amount of weight of the food i ate (i know that's not going to happen but I'm still expecting to balloon sometime soon!)

yesterday was good :) slept in again, so all i ate was a small portion of my mum's homemade risotto. she makes it with stock instead of cream because she knows i don't like creamy sauces, and she gave me a small portion without even asking. i suppose she thought i still might be feeling a bit sick from the weekend. so yeah, that would have been pretty low fat i think (maybe she used a bit of flora), so I'm not too worried about that.

what i am worried about is whats sitting in the cupboard 2 feet away from me. me and my mum went food shopping yesterday, and i pointed out how nice the maple pecan plaits looked, and that they were on offer (i like to go round pointing out the really "naughty" things then walk away from them!) she offered to get them, but i said no. but then she was talking about getting chocolate eclairs instead, so i panicked and asked for the pecan plaits instead, the thought of all that cream, uurrgh. which was probably a big mistake, seeing as pastry is packed with fat!! and the eclairs had 150 cals each, while the plaits have about 380 (!!!!!!) according to this online calorie counter. the eclairs have 26% of your satfat, but so does about half a pecan plait. I'm such an idiot!

and i have my birthday party in a couple of weeks, and my birthday the week after, so there's going to be a tonne of food then. uurggh. I'm tempted to throw away my plait and made it look like i ate it, but i would feel bad :( i may cut it into three bits and spread it out over the week - hopefully no one will notice!



i literally just sat and looked at them for about ten minutes. i was tempted to open it, cut it into tiny pieces, put them in a lunch box and hide them in my room. but as i went to, i caught a whiff of them and they smelt amazing, i could almost taste them! so i don't trust myself to open them while there is nobody else around!


aarghh, help! i shall have to make sure that my mum and boyfriend eat one each tonight, so that there is less temptation for me!!

eww my god

there is a fat girl inside me, that i don't ever want to release again, because she is ugly and i hate her.

soo, i was really pleased with how little i was eating when i was drinking - i didn't even want to because the drink filled me up.
but then we made weed brownies. i have never been so high in my life, we probably had about 4 times more than we actually needed to get high - so we were super high ... for about 24 hours. i think each of us at some point thought we were going to pass out and never wake up.

unfortunately, we had a smoke while waiting for the brownies to cook, so i had the munchies by the time they were ready. we were gonna have a teeney bit then see how strong they were, but i ate mine in one go. woops. i felt sick enough already but then just carried on eating nuts and popcorn. i could feel myself being about to be sick, but fatty just carried on going.

then the next day i was still pretty high, so ate a load then. it wouldn't have been so bad if it weren't for the chips, sweets, nutella and peanut butter. uuurgh.

so today i was gonna try and fast, or cup a soup at the most. it was going well as i slept in till 5 (and still feel like crap). and i was just going to have a bit of salad, but then miss fatty decided that (even though she still felt disgustingly sick) that she wanted nutella and peanut butter. fat pig!! i thought i had put her back in her box, but she's stronger than i thought, especially in my sleep-deprived-probably-still-not-sober state.

urrghhh, i hate myself right now. will try and fast tomorrow. fatty will be locked away.

on the plus side i weighed myself this morning on the non digital scales, with pyjamas on (and horribly bloated) and it was under 112. i wonder how long the fat i eat takes to sick to my belly. i hope that number doesn't go up, or i will cry all day.

108

that's what the scales said this morning. well. originally 107.5, but then i had a drink and it went to 108 - i think it only goes up in 0.5 pounds.

which has given me a bit of hope for all the food i am about to consume this weekend- as long as i remain under 112 on Monday, i will be happy! i doubt ill gain that much though (i hope!!!!)

anyways - better get back to revising! cannot wait until 4pm, then i will be freeeee :)

but it's kinda sad that the first years over already, it feels like it's gone so quick! and it's in to the properly serious stuff next year!

hope you are all well :)