this is it - i have had enough of being numb

Last night I felt strange. I was trying to work out what was wrong with me, what I was feeling. And then it hit me; the crushing realisation.

I wasn't feeling anything, and I haven't in a long time.

My life used to be filled with such bright, sharp colours, which have all now faded into fuzzy greys. They are suffocating me.

The only thing that occasionally breaks through the haze is sadness. Never happiness, or love. Just sadness. Last night my boyfriend and I had sex. I felt nothing. I wanted to cry, because I wanted to feel. But I didn't. My heart used to swell with love for him. Maybe it still does, I just cannot feel it. My libido has definitely run away with my weight. I am not happy.

This morning there was a breakthrough. But not a happy one. I was applying my foundation over the hideous dark circles that dance around my eyes, and a wave of pain suddenly overcome me. Emotional pain. All of a sudden I was drowning in tears and had to curl up in a ball on the floor. I stayed there for an unknown amount of time, and when I finally stood up again to face the mirror, it nearly happened all over again.

Staring back at me was a girl that I hoped that I would never see again. She is not the real me. She is empty.

I think it is happening again.

I haven't felt like this since I was 16. I am starting to feel like I did when I had depression.

But this time it is worse. It is worse because I know that I brought it on myself. For some reason, I chose to lose the weight, and now it has broken me, physically and mentally. My clothes don't fit me any more - I hate the way they look so baggy. I don't have the money to buy a whole new wardrobe, and I don't want to - I like my clothes. I have no energy, no sex drive. No motivation to do anything than count calories.

The last time that I felt truly happy was when I reached my goal weight of 112. That was about a month ago. That was 6 pounds ago.

I just wanted to lose a few pounds. probably not even that - just a couple, and to tone up more.

But I've gotten in too deep. I have lost more than a couple of pounds, and I have no energy for toning, so I am just as wobbly as before. And I have only myself to blame.

I have had enough of feeling numb, empty, cold.

I am getting back up. I am at the bottom, but I am not going to stay here. I did it before and I will do it again. I will banish the sad girl in the mirror and find myself again.