trying to go backwards to go forwards

Thank you Courtney and Camille for your comments on my last post. Your concern means a lot to me. I love how, in this secret world, we can find support from strangers who feel like lifelong friends.

yesterday was better. it was sunny, I sat in the garden all day reading "Eclipse". it was a soul warming day, but in the evening when my boyfriend came round my mood had dropped a bit. I was trying to work up the courage to ask him what he honestly thought about my weight, but i couldn’t.

"what's up?"
*standard, programmed answer* "nah, it’s nothing, I’m just tired."

*inside answer* "I honestly have no idea, but I know that I’m not happy. it’s nothing that you have done, it’s what I’ve done to myself. I’m probably so depressed because I haven’t been getting enough nutrients because I haven’t been eating enough. I don’t know why I haven’t, but one day i decided to drop a couple of pounds - i don't know why - and i didn't stop. but i don't feel better. my clothes are too baggy and i am tired and grumpy all of the time. i am obsessed with counting calories, and i am tired of it. sorry, we cant have a proper conversation because i am trying to work out how many calories will be in tomorrows dinner, so i can work out what i should eat during the day. i know that i need to be eating more to maintain my weight, but i don't know how. there are lots of chocolates and biscuits in the house, but i don't want to do it that way. i suppose i could start small - semi skimmed milk. start using margarine again. using 2 slices of bread in a sandwich, not one. it's just, I've gotten into bad habits and they are hard to break. and this is too much mess for me to burden you with. i got myself into it, and i will get myself out, i don't want to worry you about my silly troubles. we are in love, and i don't want to introduce you into the secret food world in my head, because i think you will be scared. you don't belong in it - its not the real world, its just in my head, and i don't want to risk losing you by introducing you to it for no reason. I'm so sorry, i haven't been  myself recently, but i will be back soon. i love you too much to leave."

today i woke up gloomy, and the weather mirrored it. guhhh, looks like its going to rain for my party too, boo. will just have to get so drunk that i don't notice :) but not as bad as on my 18th when i passed out in a field and everyone thought i was dead. (poor them, i was oblivious and thought i was only gone 5 minutes! i had a great night haha). anyways, its later on in the day and i don't feel so bad. so that's good.

i was going to not blog for a while, but it feels weird not to. i think what i need to do is not use my calorie counter for a while, but that is even harder.

i was going to upload a picture of myself, but i don't think that would help. both positive and negative comments would probably cause me conflict.

i have to go backwards now. i need to increase my intake, and gain a couple of pounds to try and get my life back. but after going in one direction for so long and for so fast, its hard to go backwards, but i suppose it will take time. like a ship being put in reverse; its not going to happen straight away.