Such a chliché

Soooo, my application to take a year out from uni (which will most likely result in totally dropping out) has been submitted, and later today after my therapy appointment I am getting my lovely long hair cut off because it has got into such bad condition.

I sound like some character from some bad drama.
What a mess.

Sorry for.being a bad Blogger and not commenting - its not so easy on my phone. I have been reading! I'll get on my laptop later.

Meh.

would you care for me, because i'm tired, tired of all this life

Its funny when things go wrong,
I get tired of waking
For all the things I've loved before
I'm tired of breaking
Good things are far ahead, yeah
but my patience is shaking
Only 13 minutes left,
but is it worth waiting?

Would you care for me
cause I'm tired
Tired of all this life
Would you care for me
cause I feel like..
I've been cut inside

It's blatant to feel so
wrong
to get hurt by the taking
everything that I've said before
I hesitate saying
I'm crawling fast ahead, yeah
the pace that I'm making
Only 13 minutes left
but it's not worth waiting..

Would you care for me
cause I'm tired
Tired of all this life
Would you care for me
cause I feel like..
I've been cut inside

"The rule is jam tomorrow and jam yesterday but never jam to-day."

I NEED to stop eating jam out of the pot. I know there are worse foods to pig out on, but it just makes me feel horrible doing it.

CONTROL!

haven't posted in a while - several reasons

• blogger logged out on my phone
• soooo tired
• brain doesn't work
• had a lot going on.

excuses excuses haha.


Anyway - went back up to uni at the weekend to collect most of my things. Was the most horrible thing - has anyone ever been physically homesick?
I haven't been feeling too dandy lately - rather blocked up so it's really uncomfortable when I eat. But this weekend I felt like i was going to pass out from the pain i was in after eating. And i just felt like i was going to pass out for most of the weekend - thought i was going to die at one point. i felt so, so horrible, but weirdly - i think it was mainly psychological. being away from home, and safety, and comfort. and my mummy.


Ive thought it before that i always felt a bit weird in my uni room, especially on my own. but when i was feeling at my most awful that night, i called my mum and it really helped. and i couldn't explain it, but i just knew that i would feel better if i was home. which was unfortunately 3 and a half hours away.
so i made my poor boyfriend go to bed at half 8 or something stupid, because i was exhausted and sick, but couldn't be alone in that room. and he provided a little comfort - enough for me to eventually drift asleep. we left as soon as possible the next day - and i felt gradually better and better the closer to home that we got. so odd.


it was horrible being there - i felt so mixed. like i missed it, but i couldn't wait to be home. and just so weird to be there. and my flatmates - i felt so unsociable, but i hardly spoke to them - partly because i was busy either packing or sleeping, but also because it just felt weird. awkward. like they were talking to a stranger. and when i left - it felt like i would never be properly going back.


which again brought up mixed feelings. of course i want to go back. i think. but right now there's a huge part of me that doesn't care if i don't go back. a part of me that wants to give up, give in, be a failure and not finish my degree. just snuggle up in the safety and comfort of home and be a bum.


god - i cant get my head round things. saw the eating disorder specialist today - she is so much nicer than the crappy local psychiatrist.
bmi of 14.1 - height 5'5'', weight (with clothes) 85 pounds.


urghh. 


she mentioned i might need an admission if things don't change soon. no, no, no. i cant be an inpatient.

 

"It's very good jam," said the Queen.
"Well, I don't want any to-day, at any rate."
"You couldn't have it if you did want it," the Queen said. "The rule is jam tomorrow and jam yesterday but never jam to-day."
"It must come sometimes to "jam to-day,""Alice objected.
"No it can't," said the Queen. "It's jam every other day; to-day isn't any other day, you know."
"I don't understand you," said Alice. "It's dreadfully confusing."
Through the Looking Glass.

77.6 apparently

It must be because I'm so dehydrated, I can't have lost that much, can i? My mum was meant to have hidden the scales, but I found then easy enough. I think they were under her bed because I could hear her moving draws and stuff when she gets them out for me once a week (ish) then that stopped so I figured they had to he in a fairly accessible place -
behind that chest of draws? No.
Behind that one? Yes.

I don't know how I feel.
Cold.

79.4

Down half a pound. Meant to be going up, but I can't bear to see that yet. Can't get my mind round it.

2500

Calories. At least. A day.
You can go away mr psychiatrist, with your hunched over shoulders and patronizing, wrinkled stare.
I've only met you twice and I still don't like you.

Reality check?

Went to see the local psychiatrist yesterday, as you do. Told me I'm too unwell to go back to uni at all, not even to sort out me leaving. He has arranged a meeting with an eating disorder specialist.
I don't like him.

He was patronizing and just told me a load of stuff I already know. And he too assumed that I eat nothing.

But I suppose he's never met me before, and isn't a specialist.
He the around the word 'anorexia' like it was a toy. It hit me and hurt. He can't use it, nothing has been diagnosed. Yet.

I am so tired. I am sat here in the bath, trying to burn the aches out of my bones. I have had to make a cushion out of a flannel because it hurts too much for my tailbone to be on the hard surface. My shoulders are hurting too now. I just want to sleep here all day.
I cannot do my work. I have very important exams in a week, and reports to write and essays to do, and I have done nothing. I have tried but.each time I sit down to work, its like my body shuts down even more, and my brain goes from half power to hibernate.
It's hard to explain. It's not like the usual i've been revising for hours, I can't do this anymore' because I know all too well what that feels like. My gran said that.she thought sometimes I worked so hard that my brain would explode. But this isn't brain overload- more like underload. It just won't work.
And the scary thing is- I don't care at the moment. I just want to stay at home and sleep. I can't face going back to uni, even if its to sort out me leaving. I think I have.given up.
So pathetic, weak, stupid.

and I know that I haven't been trying hard enough to get better - at the moment I just really dont want to eat more, even though I know I need too. The two voices in my head are arguing again. I think I know which one will win this time. Maybe the ringing in my ears that has been getting louder and louder will still be able to drown out the voices.

where to begin?

so, yeah. haven't blogged in a while. i have an android phone now, so can be doing it more on there. and i need a place to get things out. i can see a very bumpy road ahead.

so 2012 began happily enough. i had some friends round my grandparents farm house for one of our usual gatherings, although this was more of a smaller affair and there was a meal as opposed to tonnes of nibbles - although still plenty of those of course. food wise i did okay. had a bit of homemade rocky road and, although it freaked me out a bit, it didn't lead to a binge. i was so good with having no massive binges over Christmas - just lots of picking, which still freaks me out but just not as bad.

we stayed up late laughing, gossipping, playing shots and ladders (yes - it's amazing and i wasn't even drinking) i don't know if anyone noticed anything (the way i look, eat, not drink) i expect they did but didn't say anything.

i spoke to my grandparents the next day about it. for some reason it was so scary. i was sure they would be supportive - i don't think i was worried about them being angry, just disappointed. they have always been so proud of me - openly so. i have worked hard and achieved well all of my life - so i felt like i was letting them down by taking a year out of uni. i have never, ever considered not going to uni - it has always been what i was going to do since i can remember. if i drop out i am a failure.

but it's just a suspension year for now.

i had to get my mum to actually tell them, because i physically couldn't. it was like the words were something solid and they got stuck in my throat, choking me on the way up.

they hugged me, and told me not to worry - they were still proud of me and always would be no matter what i choose to do. they were proud of me for admitting it and asking for help, because they have been worried about me for a while, and they are there for me whenever i want.

it made me feel better to get it out.
it made me feel guilty because everyone i have told has reacted in a really supportive way - i should have known really. if they were going to be horrible about it, they would have said something ages ago, rather than waiting for me to tell them. i know my grand-dad wanted to say something over christmas, but my mum asked him not to because she knew it would upset me.

she did the same with my dad. i think he realised he upset me when the first thing he said to me was "eat some pies" when i saw him a couple of weeks ago. i have to tell him next. i think it might be okay - when we last parted he hugged me and told me to "just stay healthy"
too late i think.

today we went to a pub to have the annual meeting with the distant relatives (cousins, 2nd cousins, aunts, great aunts etc)
anxiety overload.

they all seemed to behave really awkwardly around me.
my gran was worse- she got embarrassingly drunk for one thing. she asked me what i was having and i said "the arrabiata" and she instantly said "is that all?!!" apparently she thought i was just having a starter. no - in fact me and my mother shared some bbq peri peri chicken wings for a starter (there were only 3 and i ha about half) then i had chicken and penne arrabiata. take that.
it was a crap pub though - all the food was over cooked, and obviously ready meal type things - half of mine was solid - like the bits on the top of a pasta bake. although it wasn't meant to be a pasta bake haha.

soooo, that set me off and i had to "go to the toilet" to avoid crying in front of everyone.

home for a cup of tea. i had a pink n white with it. they were staring at me. my gran announces
"granddad says i worry too much"
me "okaaaay"
g-dad "she does."
g-ma "i do, i worry too much"
g-dad "i know"
g-ma "i worry all the time. i worry about her so much, i cant sleep at night because i worry about her so much."

etc etc.
i tried to just look away, but she repeats herself enough as it is sober, and she would not stop. i felt so guilty, and exposed. she was talking about it so publically. i know it was just my mum, brother and grandad in the room - who all know - but only just. and it still felt so public. I'm not ready to be so open about this.

she then said something like "but you'll get better. wont you? you will get better and see someone and get better wont you?"
i shouted yes and stormed out.
she was drunk so it was worse. but i had told her that i had been to the doctors and have been referred to a specialist, its not my fault they took so long to send off the referral and keep postponing the appointment. i need to talk to them properly about it when she is sober - i went to the doctors in October, so its not like i haven't been trying.

but i probably haven't been trying hard enough. i have continued to lose weight.
i was even in the hospital for a bit - i think it may have just been a bad stomach bug - it was said to be gastroenteritis, i had the most awful diarrhoea and had to go on a drip because i was dehydrated. could have been because i had a couple "Aspire" calorie burning drinks, and too many laxatives after a binge, and then went out drinking the night after. i dunno. the hospital saw me eating, and seemed shocked when i told them that i always have 3 meals a day and usually have porridge for breakfast. i expect they thought i ate nothing.

anyways - my gran came after me and then this massive crying / sort-of-argument session started. i was getting annoyed because i just wanted to be left alone, and she just kept on saying the same thing because she was drunk - she loves me, she was still proud of me, she worries about me, me, my mother and brother are her life, we are her world, she loves me, she was still proud of me, she worries about me, me, my mother and brother are her life, we are her world etc etc.

so i got snappy and kept saying "okay" in angrier tones, and she kept on going on, and trying to pat, touch and hug me - i felt cornered. i was actually lol. i just got angry, then angry at myself for getting angry, then we both got confused because she was drunk (so she was making no sense, and couldn't understand why i couldn't understand her) so there was shouting and more crying, and ooooh it was horrible.

I'm gonna go round tomorrow and try and explain things. one of the biggest thing i want is for them not to treat me differently. not to be patronising about food for example. not to be like "oooh, well done" when i finish a meal - BECAUSE I DO EAT FOR CHRIST SAKE!! my boyfriend is a bit like that. he said the other day he was really happy and proud of me because i finished my plate. i got so annoyed - its not like i don't eat anything. but i suppose they don't really know because I've been at uni.

i dunno.
this is going to be so hard.

Superstition

The first thing I saw when I opened my curtains this morning was a single magpie. Such a lovely omen to start the year off.
I have to tell my grandparents today.

I just want to curl up and have someone sort everything out for me.