"The rule is jam tomorrow and jam yesterday but never jam to-day."

I NEED to stop eating jam out of the pot. I know there are worse foods to pig out on, but it just makes me feel horrible doing it.

CONTROL!

haven't posted in a while - several reasons

• blogger logged out on my phone
• soooo tired
• brain doesn't work
• had a lot going on.

excuses excuses haha.


Anyway - went back up to uni at the weekend to collect most of my things. Was the most horrible thing - has anyone ever been physically homesick?
I haven't been feeling too dandy lately - rather blocked up so it's really uncomfortable when I eat. But this weekend I felt like i was going to pass out from the pain i was in after eating. And i just felt like i was going to pass out for most of the weekend - thought i was going to die at one point. i felt so, so horrible, but weirdly - i think it was mainly psychological. being away from home, and safety, and comfort. and my mummy.


Ive thought it before that i always felt a bit weird in my uni room, especially on my own. but when i was feeling at my most awful that night, i called my mum and it really helped. and i couldn't explain it, but i just knew that i would feel better if i was home. which was unfortunately 3 and a half hours away.
so i made my poor boyfriend go to bed at half 8 or something stupid, because i was exhausted and sick, but couldn't be alone in that room. and he provided a little comfort - enough for me to eventually drift asleep. we left as soon as possible the next day - and i felt gradually better and better the closer to home that we got. so odd.


it was horrible being there - i felt so mixed. like i missed it, but i couldn't wait to be home. and just so weird to be there. and my flatmates - i felt so unsociable, but i hardly spoke to them - partly because i was busy either packing or sleeping, but also because it just felt weird. awkward. like they were talking to a stranger. and when i left - it felt like i would never be properly going back.


which again brought up mixed feelings. of course i want to go back. i think. but right now there's a huge part of me that doesn't care if i don't go back. a part of me that wants to give up, give in, be a failure and not finish my degree. just snuggle up in the safety and comfort of home and be a bum.


god - i cant get my head round things. saw the eating disorder specialist today - she is so much nicer than the crappy local psychiatrist.
bmi of 14.1 - height 5'5'', weight (with clothes) 85 pounds.


urghh. 


she mentioned i might need an admission if things don't change soon. no, no, no. i cant be an inpatient.

 

"It's very good jam," said the Queen.
"Well, I don't want any to-day, at any rate."
"You couldn't have it if you did want it," the Queen said. "The rule is jam tomorrow and jam yesterday but never jam to-day."
"It must come sometimes to "jam to-day,""Alice objected.
"No it can't," said the Queen. "It's jam every other day; to-day isn't any other day, you know."
"I don't understand you," said Alice. "It's dreadfully confusing."
Through the Looking Glass.