where to begin?

so, yeah. haven't blogged in a while. i have an android phone now, so can be doing it more on there. and i need a place to get things out. i can see a very bumpy road ahead.

so 2012 began happily enough. i had some friends round my grandparents farm house for one of our usual gatherings, although this was more of a smaller affair and there was a meal as opposed to tonnes of nibbles - although still plenty of those of course. food wise i did okay. had a bit of homemade rocky road and, although it freaked me out a bit, it didn't lead to a binge. i was so good with having no massive binges over Christmas - just lots of picking, which still freaks me out but just not as bad.

we stayed up late laughing, gossipping, playing shots and ladders (yes - it's amazing and i wasn't even drinking) i don't know if anyone noticed anything (the way i look, eat, not drink) i expect they did but didn't say anything.

i spoke to my grandparents the next day about it. for some reason it was so scary. i was sure they would be supportive - i don't think i was worried about them being angry, just disappointed. they have always been so proud of me - openly so. i have worked hard and achieved well all of my life - so i felt like i was letting them down by taking a year out of uni. i have never, ever considered not going to uni - it has always been what i was going to do since i can remember. if i drop out i am a failure.

but it's just a suspension year for now.

i had to get my mum to actually tell them, because i physically couldn't. it was like the words were something solid and they got stuck in my throat, choking me on the way up.

they hugged me, and told me not to worry - they were still proud of me and always would be no matter what i choose to do. they were proud of me for admitting it and asking for help, because they have been worried about me for a while, and they are there for me whenever i want.

it made me feel better to get it out.
it made me feel guilty because everyone i have told has reacted in a really supportive way - i should have known really. if they were going to be horrible about it, they would have said something ages ago, rather than waiting for me to tell them. i know my grand-dad wanted to say something over christmas, but my mum asked him not to because she knew it would upset me.

she did the same with my dad. i think he realised he upset me when the first thing he said to me was "eat some pies" when i saw him a couple of weeks ago. i have to tell him next. i think it might be okay - when we last parted he hugged me and told me to "just stay healthy"
too late i think.

today we went to a pub to have the annual meeting with the distant relatives (cousins, 2nd cousins, aunts, great aunts etc)
anxiety overload.

they all seemed to behave really awkwardly around me.
my gran was worse- she got embarrassingly drunk for one thing. she asked me what i was having and i said "the arrabiata" and she instantly said "is that all?!!" apparently she thought i was just having a starter. no - in fact me and my mother shared some bbq peri peri chicken wings for a starter (there were only 3 and i ha about half) then i had chicken and penne arrabiata. take that.
it was a crap pub though - all the food was over cooked, and obviously ready meal type things - half of mine was solid - like the bits on the top of a pasta bake. although it wasn't meant to be a pasta bake haha.

soooo, that set me off and i had to "go to the toilet" to avoid crying in front of everyone.

home for a cup of tea. i had a pink n white with it. they were staring at me. my gran announces
"granddad says i worry too much"
me "okaaaay"
g-dad "she does."
g-ma "i do, i worry too much"
g-dad "i know"
g-ma "i worry all the time. i worry about her so much, i cant sleep at night because i worry about her so much."

etc etc.
i tried to just look away, but she repeats herself enough as it is sober, and she would not stop. i felt so guilty, and exposed. she was talking about it so publically. i know it was just my mum, brother and grandad in the room - who all know - but only just. and it still felt so public. I'm not ready to be so open about this.

she then said something like "but you'll get better. wont you? you will get better and see someone and get better wont you?"
i shouted yes and stormed out.
she was drunk so it was worse. but i had told her that i had been to the doctors and have been referred to a specialist, its not my fault they took so long to send off the referral and keep postponing the appointment. i need to talk to them properly about it when she is sober - i went to the doctors in October, so its not like i haven't been trying.

but i probably haven't been trying hard enough. i have continued to lose weight.
i was even in the hospital for a bit - i think it may have just been a bad stomach bug - it was said to be gastroenteritis, i had the most awful diarrhoea and had to go on a drip because i was dehydrated. could have been because i had a couple "Aspire" calorie burning drinks, and too many laxatives after a binge, and then went out drinking the night after. i dunno. the hospital saw me eating, and seemed shocked when i told them that i always have 3 meals a day and usually have porridge for breakfast. i expect they thought i ate nothing.

anyways - my gran came after me and then this massive crying / sort-of-argument session started. i was getting annoyed because i just wanted to be left alone, and she just kept on saying the same thing because she was drunk - she loves me, she was still proud of me, she worries about me, me, my mother and brother are her life, we are her world, she loves me, she was still proud of me, she worries about me, me, my mother and brother are her life, we are her world etc etc.

so i got snappy and kept saying "okay" in angrier tones, and she kept on going on, and trying to pat, touch and hug me - i felt cornered. i was actually lol. i just got angry, then angry at myself for getting angry, then we both got confused because she was drunk (so she was making no sense, and couldn't understand why i couldn't understand her) so there was shouting and more crying, and ooooh it was horrible.

I'm gonna go round tomorrow and try and explain things. one of the biggest thing i want is for them not to treat me differently. not to be patronising about food for example. not to be like "oooh, well done" when i finish a meal - BECAUSE I DO EAT FOR CHRIST SAKE!! my boyfriend is a bit like that. he said the other day he was really happy and proud of me because i finished my plate. i got so annoyed - its not like i don't eat anything. but i suppose they don't really know because I've been at uni.

i dunno.
this is going to be so hard.