Now you're just somebody that I used to know

But my heart, it don't beat, it don't beat the way it used to.
And my eyes, they don't see you no more.
And my lips, they don't kiss, they don't kiss the way they used to, and my eyes don't recognise you no more.

 Over three and a half years. Could this be the end? Is it all my fault? Probably. But he would be better off without me. maybe, right now, I'm better off without him. I haven't seen him since valentines day. even though he now lives in town rather than half an hour away. I only know that he was camping with friends this weekend because it was on facebook. The last time he text me was on Thursday.

"Hey sorry i really cant be arsed to come round tonight. What you doing Sunday? xxxxxx"

The kisses mean nothing - there are always loads. I told him I was going to my grandparents then, and I've had no reply since. The night before i told him i might be going on antidepressants. I think he might be burying his head in the sand.

I think at least a break would be a good idea.

And the sad thing? I think I'm okay with it. Maybe it's my numbed emotions, but a year or so ago, I could have married him. Now he just annoys me. I don't think I can see him being in my life forever. To be honest - I've already missed out on quite a lot of the "classic" parts of being young free and single. Never had a one night stand. Not even ever been to a club when I was single. And now I'm basically bed bound and not at uni for the moment, I'm missing out even more.

Am i being selfish?

I don't think we've been working out for a while.

He basically hasn't had a girlfriend for ages anyway - he'd have more fun without me. I have more of a relationship with food.

Last night I was talking about this with my mum. Talking about ending a three and a half + year relationship, and suddenly all i could think about and care about was pick n mix. I'm going to get one blackcurrant fruit jelly maybe a pineapple one, a black jelly baby and gummy cherry.

Then break up with my boyfriend.

I'm so weird.

Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do

More than anything I want to see you grow,

Take a glorious bite out of the whole world

Antidepressants ...

My GP, therapist and psychiatrist have all recommend them. I didn't want them but I think I might give them a go, I've been so down this week.
You are born with the natural instinct to eat, so why is it so hard?
I had to psych myself up for half an hour to eat 2 grapes.

This is ridiculous.

Protège-Moi

Why don't I go tell me why do I stay when I know there's nothing I should want here?

73 pounds or something ridiculous i think. maybe 74. one pound doesn't make a difference at this weight. my therapist was talking of heart attacks, organ failure, general hospital, tube feeding. death.

yet the thought of eating more still scares me more.

messed.up.

i can barely walk up the stairs.  

why, how have i done this to myself?

stupid

selfish

pathetic

weak

worthless

dreamland

that's where I've been lately. numbly floating along, not noticing things. not feeling things, this isn't real. I'll wake up soon and it will all be a bad dream.

the inpatient unit seems okay, nice even.

not real though.

apologies

sorry- I've been a bad blogger lately. i have been reading, i promise! its just not very easy to leave comments via my phone, i WILL get around to catching up soon (if anyone still reads/cares haha, I've been mega lazy with posting too lol)

so I'm going to have a look around the eating disorder clinic tomorrow. there aren't any places available right now, but I'm on the list.I'm scared but i think it will be a good idea. I've lost more weight this week, and that was with a heavy cardi on (when my therapist weighed me) down 2 pounds on her scale i think. mine said 75.8 pounds.

i should be more worried, but i still like the number going down, not up. even though she mentioned admission to a general hospital, where it would be a tube shoved up my nose. i think i have been deliberately restricting this week, but denying it. I'm so numb, and hazy. like someone else is in control of my body and all that is left of me is trapped in some small corner of my mind helplessly watching myself being destroyed. i should care but i cant feel.

my boyfriend has moved into town with a friend J, so he's 2 minutes away rather than half an hour. again, numb emotions. its going to be a party house, like it was when we basically lived at J's a few years ago. but i am missing out. its too cold, and sociable, and they don't have a kitchen scale yet, and i will need to go shopping for my own food because it is a house of guys - so cupboards full of bacon, sausage, pies etc. although they did have apples and a full fresh veg tray - however - this being a result of their first shop, i doubt will be a sight i will ever see again. i dunno, just got too freaked out by it.

and what J and his girlfriend and other friends will think. I;ve already had some odd looks off people i know who are expecting me to be back at uni. not sure what I'm going to say to people if they start asking - was already a bit awkward with my hairdresser as she wasn't expecting me to be there (she does home visits)
"you going back to uni soon then?"
"uuuh, yeah - just had a bit of a break after exams, y'know - to catch up on coursework and stuff."

i feel like too much of a failure telling the truth at the mo.

my therapist suggested anti depressants. i don't know.

Inpatient ...

Next week I an going to my local town hospital as usual to see my therapist who visits from a larger hospital once a week. She is from a specialist eating disorder clinic type thing.

I am going for a 'visit' next week.

My name is already on the inpatient list, 'just in case'

Scared.