apologies

sorry- I've been a bad blogger lately. i have been reading, i promise! its just not very easy to leave comments via my phone, i WILL get around to catching up soon (if anyone still reads/cares haha, I've been mega lazy with posting too lol)

so I'm going to have a look around the eating disorder clinic tomorrow. there aren't any places available right now, but I'm on the list.I'm scared but i think it will be a good idea. I've lost more weight this week, and that was with a heavy cardi on (when my therapist weighed me) down 2 pounds on her scale i think. mine said 75.8 pounds.

i should be more worried, but i still like the number going down, not up. even though she mentioned admission to a general hospital, where it would be a tube shoved up my nose. i think i have been deliberately restricting this week, but denying it. I'm so numb, and hazy. like someone else is in control of my body and all that is left of me is trapped in some small corner of my mind helplessly watching myself being destroyed. i should care but i cant feel.

my boyfriend has moved into town with a friend J, so he's 2 minutes away rather than half an hour. again, numb emotions. its going to be a party house, like it was when we basically lived at J's a few years ago. but i am missing out. its too cold, and sociable, and they don't have a kitchen scale yet, and i will need to go shopping for my own food because it is a house of guys - so cupboards full of bacon, sausage, pies etc. although they did have apples and a full fresh veg tray - however - this being a result of their first shop, i doubt will be a sight i will ever see again. i dunno, just got too freaked out by it.

and what J and his girlfriend and other friends will think. I;ve already had some odd looks off people i know who are expecting me to be back at uni. not sure what I'm going to say to people if they start asking - was already a bit awkward with my hairdresser as she wasn't expecting me to be there (she does home visits)
"you going back to uni soon then?"
"uuuh, yeah - just had a bit of a break after exams, y'know - to catch up on coursework and stuff."

i feel like too much of a failure telling the truth at the mo.

my therapist suggested anti depressants. i don't know.