Chriiiiiiistmaaaaaaas :)

Looking back at past blogs it seems i've been pretty down recently, what with the whole 'splitting up' with my best friend.

But meh! Its Christmas, and if she doesn't want me, who cares? I have plenty of other friends, mwahaha.

My flatmates and I are having an early Christmas day tomorrow before we go home from uni (how exciting!). Also, we have a house viewing for next year, yaaaay :)

So, that's put me in a better mood :)
I shall attempt to upload a drawing of a Christmas robin i did for my Aunt's Christmas card.

Tis the season to be jolly!! (even if no one reads this blog!)

I need a rant...

Here it goes:

I don't care anymore that you no longer like me and aren't speaking to me, because I no longer like you, and do not want to speak to you or for you to speak to me.

There are many reasons for this, the first one that encouraged these feelings was the fact that you stopped talking to me. I know to an onlooker to this situation that this must seem like a petty reason to not like someone, but it's not a petty reason if you take into consideration that you stopped liking me for no rational reason at all.

Okay, I admit it was bad of me to get disgracefuly drunk and forget to tell you when I was leaving for the party, but let's be honest, you're a big girl now and could have used those things called legs to walk a minute across the campus to go to the party (in our student union!). Or you could have used the amazing new technology called a phone to get in contact with me; it was obvious that I was too drunk to function, so you could have asked anyone else who was at the sesh what time they were leaving. Or are you now completely incapable of social interraction now that your brain has been turned into mush by "love", or should I say, insane obsession?

But okay, okay, maybe I was in the wrong there and I aplogise. But is it really grounds for such a cold shoulder? To turn away from your "best friend" whom with a couple of months ago you were planning on moving in with next year of uni? Is it reason enough to completely blank them for however many weeks, bordering on months now? I hope youre new "friends" are nice enough, but to be frank, it seems like you have all become friends because all of you have no other friends (maybe i'm just being a bitch, but then, so are you).

But like I said, I don't really care. You havent been the same person that you were for some time now - I would say ever since you got with him, but I don't really want to blame him completely. You're the one that has been so consumed with your obsession with him that you have abandonded your friends - it's not his fault.

To begin with, yes, I was upset that my "best" friend wasn't talking to me, but to be honest, I thought that it would blow over in a couple of days. I thought that you would be angry for a day or so, tell e why you were angry with me, then I could apologise and things would go back to the way that were. But after a couple of weeks I began to get bored. I began to get bored of wating for the day when you would let me aplogise and things would be okay. But you never even told me why you were angry with me - so how could I apologise when I didn't really know what I have done? It can't just be for that one occasion, and I had heard on the good old grapevine that it wasn't - only no one knew what the other "things" were that caused you to have an issue with me.

So it's been more than a month now, and i've had enough. You have taken it way too far and I don't want you to try and make it better - through taking it too far you have stretched our relationship way further than the point of return.

This cannot be fixed.

the person you have changed into makes me angry. which isn't surprising according to my test results (i am a neurotic person)

Being a Psychology student in my first year, I am required to complete at least 8 hours or participation in the final years' projects in order to pass the module "Psychology Praticals".

Whilst waiting for the original study that I signed up to, I was bombarded by desperate final year students begging me to participate in their studies - no one had turned up / signed up (probably because one only offered 2 credits - we have to get the stupidly high and random number of 96)

I agreed, if just to pass the time and gain some easy credits. One required me to fill out a questionnaire intended to define my personality. Here are the results.

This report compares pp2 (me!) from the country UK to other females less than 21 years of age.

This report estimates the individual's level on each of the five broad personality domains of the Five-Factor Model.  

Your numerical scores are reported and graphed as percentile estimates. For example, a score of "60" means that your level on that trait is estimated to be higher than 60% of persons of your sex and age. 

Extraversion

Domain/Facet........... Score 0--------10--------20--------30--------40--------50--------60--------70--------80--------90--------99
EXTRAVERSION...............51 ***************************************************
..Friendliness.............55 *******************************************************
..Gregariousness...........65 *****************************************************************
..Assertiveness............14 **************
..Activity Level...........53 *****************************************************
..Excitement-Seeking.......63 ***************************************************************
..Cheerfulness.............56 ********************************************************
Your score on Extraversion is average, indicating you are neither a subdued loner nor a jovial chatterbox. You enjoy time with others but also time alone.  Exactly me.


Agreeableness

Domain/Facet........... Score 0--------10--------20--------30--------40--------50--------60--------70--------80--------90--------99
AGREEABLENESS..............68 ********************************************************************
..Trust....................73 *************************************************************************
..Morality.................72 ************************************************************************
..Altruism.................67 *******************************************************************
..Cooperation..............60 ************************************************************
..Modesty..................57 *********************************************************
..Sympathy.................41 *****************************************
Your high level of Agreeableness indicates a strong interest in others' needs and well-being. You are pleasant, sympathetic, and cooperative. This pleases me :)



Conscienctiousness

Domain/Facet........... Score 0--------10--------20--------30--------40--------50--------60--------70--------80--------90--------99
CONSCIENTIOUSNESS..........51 ***************************************************
..Self-Efficacy............59 ***********************************************************
..Orderliness..............40 ****************************************
..Dutifulness..............54 ******************************************************
..Achievement-Striving.....53 *****************************************************
..Self-Discipline..........53 *****************************************************
..Cautiousness.............51 ***************************************************
Your score on Conscientiousness is average. This means you are reasonably reliable, organized, and self-controlled.  Looks like a pretty high score to me :/ Meh. But I am not self controlled.


Neuroticism This is the interesting one! (if that's the word)

Domain/Facet........... Score 0--------10--------20--------30--------40--------50--------60--------70--------80--------90--------99
NEUROTICISM................73 *************************************************************************
..Anxiety..................46 **********************************************
..Anger....................66 ******************************************************************
..Depression...............49 *************************************************
..Self-Consciousness.......75 ***************************************************************************
..Immoderation.............75 ***************************************************************************
..Vulnerability............84 ************************************************************************************
Your score on Neuroticism is high, indicating that you are easily upset, even by what most people consider the normal demands of living. People consider you to be sensitive and emotional.This is too true. Look at that vulnerability score; I am such a wuss.


Openness to experience

Domain/Facet........... Score 0--------10--------20--------30--------40--------50--------60--------70--------80--------90--------99
OPENNESS TO EXPERIENCE.....43 *******************************************
..Imagination..............39 ***************************************
..Artistic Interests.......60 ************************************************************
..Emotionality.............61 *************************************************************
..Adventurousness..........19 *******************
..Intellect................39 ***************************************
..Liberalism...............59 ***********************************************************
Your score on Openness to Experience is average, indicating you enjoy tradition but are willing to try new things. Your thinking is neither simple nor complex. To others you appear to be a well-educated person but not an intellectual.WTF? Low intellect and imagination? Thanks! P.S. You're wrong!

 I hate to admit it for some of the results but looks like they've got me pretty mapped out. Apart from that last one, which I may appeal against!

Change.

This is one thing that I can safely say I fear, hate and aviod.
Sure, sure; i'm up for trying new things- how can life be fun without a little experimentation, a little adaptation and unknown?And if these new things turn out to be a good thing; something that can be experienced by all those who matter in my life collectively, then change in this aspect is bearable. I can accept, cherish sometimes, when something changes, and everything or everyone that matters changes with it.

But when one idividual thing changes and everything else stays the same; that's when I start to panic.

She used to be so fun. There was never a dull moment when she was around. Everyone wanted to be her (or to be with her). I envied her for her beauty, her wit, her sharp mind. And most of all i envied her for how strong she was. Nothing bothered her; anything that could easily damage the confidence of a lesser being such as myself promptly bounced off her. She had no worries about guys - everyone wanted her, so she could deal with wanting no one.

I suppose love affects people in different ways, but I have never thought that it could replace a whole person (even if it is love- how can she tell from never have being in a relationship before? I know all too well myself how you can be decieved by "love". Especially the first time.) I don't know how, I just know that my best friend has changed - she has been replaced.

He is like a disease on her mind, all consuming, rotting her personality. 5 months seems a pretty short time to decide that you will dedicate your life and soul to one person. She doesn't socialise any more - talking to him on Skype is far more important. I know more people in her flat than she does. She's immobilised when away from him - she was physically homesick from him after two days.

Perhaps I am being too harsh, too judgemental. But I don't like the person that she has become in to; and it appears that that person doesn't like me either. Perhaps it is my fault, but she hasn't spoken to me in over a week- nearly two, because I got way too drunk and forgot to text her when I was going to the Student Union (which is on campus and a 30 second walk from her flat.)

I feel guilty now, I have tried to help her, but she sees no sense. She is always in a bad mood because she spends too much time alone thinking about how much she misses him. She told me that she feels better when she is around other people so that they can distract her. Seems like a simple solution really, but no. It appears that she relies on me to go out with because she has no other friends, but she can't go out anyway because she has no money, despite living in the cheapest accomadation possible. She has no money because she spends it on going home almost every weekend, and buying him a car for him to come up the weekends she doesn't go down ... incase it snows and he can't use the motorbike. And buying him an array of other expensivve christmas presents.

Oh, and she's saving up for a tattoo. One dedicated to him. On her wrist. And she wants to become a doctor. That is, if she doesn't quit so that she can go live off benifits with him.

I don't like change, especially when it steals people from me. Or am I being too harsh? I suppose everyone has to go crazy in love at some point. I just hope she realises before it becomes too late and she ruins her life.