My kitten scratched me. She is very playful, and she accidentally scratched me while I was playing with her. A deep scratch. On my left wrist.
My mum saw it happen, heard me exclaim "Ow!!" and asked if she had scratched me. I pulled back my sleeve and looked at the long, bright, glistening, strawberry score going down my arm.
I almost burst out laughing when I saw it because it directly intercepts a long, horizontal, white, ridged scar. One of many. One of many that I have given myself. It seemed ironically funny to me that I complained that that little scratch hurt, when there before me was clear evidence of a much deeper, longer, more painful cut that I had inflicted upon myself.
I'm not sure if my Mum saw that it cut through the scar - maybe I only noticed it because I know exactly where they all are and what they look like. However - she has never mentioned the scars to me before. I think she just doesn't want to bring that horrible time up. It's not like I hide them anymore, but no one seems to mention them. RG did once, but after my reaction, never did again. I saw my Dad staring at them when my bare arm was forced in front of his face on the tube when we went to London. I quickly moved it. But he didn't say anything.
I saw E for the first time since March yesterday. She pulled a worried face and said I looked too thin. She left it at that - no probing. I liked it. Later than night I went to the pub wearing skinny leggings and a T-shirt. No one said anything. I wanted them to notice. Maybe they did; but no one said anything. I hated that they didn't, but more than that, I hated that I cared that they didn't tell me how thin I am. Even though if they had, I would have been scared that they wouldn't drop the topic.
I remember well the first day that I didn't wear arm "warmers" to cover my arms, and I bared my scars to the world. It had began as a fashion statement for me I suppose, wearing the arm warmers (I was kind of "gothy"/"emo"). I would make them out of stripy knee high socks or footless tights, so that they would be long enough to cover 3/4 of my entire arm. I was never seen without them. They became useful when I began cutting. I was afraid that they would think it strange that I wore them in summer, but I had been wearing them for so long that it wasn't that big a deal. And I had made a thinner summer pair out of fishnet tights.
Then one day - a year or so after I stopped cutting - I decided that perhaps the ugly, purple stains, ridges and grooves had faded enough to white that I could perhaps not cover them. It was a very hot day, and I was growing out of my "emo" phase - the arm warmers didn't look right with my new wardrobe. So I didn't wear them. I was nervous, but kind of excited. What would people say when they noticed?
But they didn't.
I don't know if they didn't notice, or just didn't want to say anything. Maybe they already knew. I don't know.
It was a weird feeling. People must have seen them. They must guess what I did to myself.
It made me wonder. Those scars - that I gave myself - reflect a self destructive side of me. And I am doing exactly the same to myself right now, but in a way that could produce less obvious scars; a thin body can be covered up, pale faces can be painted, flaky skin can be moisturised, dry hair can be cut and dyed. But essentially it is the same. And are these scars more dangerous? I probably have much scarier scars inside of me - my bones and organs. Why am I so self destructive? For attention? I don't think so. I don't know.
It's like I am choosing to be unhappy.
I think that, for now, this is goodbye.
Coffee and smokes and cold Diet Cokes are what pretty girls are made of. x. Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss you will land among the stars.
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Showing posts with label weight. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weight. Show all posts
Sunday, 31 July 2011
Thursday, 28 July 2011
thank you
I just wanted to say a quick thank you for all your lovely comments and support lately - you girls are great :)
a few life updates - I have managed to not use my calorie calculator for about a week. I thought it would drive me crazy not meticulously calculating and recording every single calorie, but in fact it's kind of nice to get out of that habit. However, it's probably not such a good thing on the maintaining wise side of things - I am still counting, but it's involving more estimating, and counting roughly in my head, and I am probably eating even less than before :/
Weight - 96 lb.
My mother is now off work for the summer (she is a chef in a kitchen that supplies schools, so gets their cushty holidays!) I was a bit worried that she might be more controlling over food (eg - offer to make me a sandwich and act odd when I turn it down) but she leaves that completely up to me which is nice - she probably realises I'm used to it now in a uni girl and my eating habits are all different anyways now.
And my brother has gone to work on my grandparents farm for the summer to help with the harvest and stuff. Which is extra nice - peace and quiet! He has been being such a dick lately - probably puberty and a lack of male company, so I think it will do everyone good. It also means that I can do a lot more cooking for dinner with out him throwing a massive tantrum when I try something new because "It's not normal!" And also means the house isn't filled with junk food, and I won't feel weird being the only one having salad instead of chips with dinner (my mum usually gives in if she's cooking my brother chips. I think she's quite glad I'm a salad girl as I'm pretty sure she wants to lose weight.)
I feel so bad for my poor boyfriend - I was in such a bad mood last night. I was really busy all day, so (sort of accidentally) ate really little - one of those kids cereal selection sized box of Rice Krispies (77) with the teeniest amount of milk - dunno how much. I don't really like milk on my cereal haha. Then about half an apple, and for dinner, some iceberg and cucumber salad with a teeney grilled salmon fillet and a teaspoon of cottage cheese. Physically I was feeling fine, but was a bit grumpy. I had two Thorntons chocolates in the evening to give myself a bit of a pick up when my boyfriend came, but it didn't work. I'm not sure how much the chocolates were - the box says each one has approximately 63 calories, but one of them was a turkish delight, and I know they have less, and a lot less fat. I dunno overall calorie total, but it's less than I need to maintain, I know that!
So, maybe it was because I was tired, hadn't eaten enough and my hormones are all messed up from missing the pill and my period being due, but I was in the weirdest mood. So touchy, and annoyed by the smallest thing. Literally - I got pissed off because he was breathing loudly. Then I got pissed off at myself for being pissed off at him for the stupidest reason. I'm so sorry for him - he looked so confused.
I don't know why he puts up with me.
a few life updates - I have managed to not use my calorie calculator for about a week. I thought it would drive me crazy not meticulously calculating and recording every single calorie, but in fact it's kind of nice to get out of that habit. However, it's probably not such a good thing on the maintaining wise side of things - I am still counting, but it's involving more estimating, and counting roughly in my head, and I am probably eating even less than before :/
Weight - 96 lb.
My mother is now off work for the summer (she is a chef in a kitchen that supplies schools, so gets their cushty holidays!) I was a bit worried that she might be more controlling over food (eg - offer to make me a sandwich and act odd when I turn it down) but she leaves that completely up to me which is nice - she probably realises I'm used to it now in a uni girl and my eating habits are all different anyways now.
And my brother has gone to work on my grandparents farm for the summer to help with the harvest and stuff. Which is extra nice - peace and quiet! He has been being such a dick lately - probably puberty and a lack of male company, so I think it will do everyone good. It also means that I can do a lot more cooking for dinner with out him throwing a massive tantrum when I try something new because "It's not normal!" And also means the house isn't filled with junk food, and I won't feel weird being the only one having salad instead of chips with dinner (my mum usually gives in if she's cooking my brother chips. I think she's quite glad I'm a salad girl as I'm pretty sure she wants to lose weight.)
I feel so bad for my poor boyfriend - I was in such a bad mood last night. I was really busy all day, so (sort of accidentally) ate really little - one of those kids cereal selection sized box of Rice Krispies (77) with the teeniest amount of milk - dunno how much. I don't really like milk on my cereal haha. Then about half an apple, and for dinner, some iceberg and cucumber salad with a teeney grilled salmon fillet and a teaspoon of cottage cheese. Physically I was feeling fine, but was a bit grumpy. I had two Thorntons chocolates in the evening to give myself a bit of a pick up when my boyfriend came, but it didn't work. I'm not sure how much the chocolates were - the box says each one has approximately 63 calories, but one of them was a turkish delight, and I know they have less, and a lot less fat. I dunno overall calorie total, but it's less than I need to maintain, I know that!
So, maybe it was because I was tired, hadn't eaten enough and my hormones are all messed up from missing the pill and my period being due, but I was in the weirdest mood. So touchy, and annoyed by the smallest thing. Literally - I got pissed off because he was breathing loudly. Then I got pissed off at myself for being pissed off at him for the stupidest reason. I'm so sorry for him - he looked so confused.
I don't know why he puts up with me.
Memories of Italy cheer me up <3
Tuesday, 26 July 2011
Was that the beginning?
I went shopping with my Mum yesterday - I had to buy some new leggings. All of my size 8(UK) jeans are too big for me. Even with a belt they are baggy everywhere else, and just don't look right. So leggings it is; and I was getting bored of my variations of plain black or wet look black.
So I got some grey ones and some blue ones. Size 6, because size 8 were too baggy and they don't sell size 4's.
As I was putting them away, I noticed a pair of jeans that I had bought at the very end of last year - size 8 from Primark. I remember them being a very tight fit, despite my old Primark size 8's fitting fine. I made excuses - "They're new, they need wearing in and stretching a bit. They're cheap - I expect Primark were cutting down on material or something!And it's Christmas - I'm bloated!"
Then I noticed my absolute favourite (and most expensive) jeans - size 8, high waisted, from Topshop, which I had bought just after Christmas. They are the only ones that look okay on me now - if they have been freshly washed so are shrunk a little, and with a belt done as tight as it would go. When I bought them they were a little snug too.
I tried to make similar excuses - but this time there was louder voice. "Stop making excuses! It's fat - you're just fat. Lose some weight."
I obeyed.
I am still obeying.
So I got some grey ones and some blue ones. Size 6, because size 8 were too baggy and they don't sell size 4's.
As I was putting them away, I noticed a pair of jeans that I had bought at the very end of last year - size 8 from Primark. I remember them being a very tight fit, despite my old Primark size 8's fitting fine. I made excuses - "They're new, they need wearing in and stretching a bit. They're cheap - I expect Primark were cutting down on material or something!And it's Christmas - I'm bloated!"
Then I noticed my absolute favourite (and most expensive) jeans - size 8, high waisted, from Topshop, which I had bought just after Christmas. They are the only ones that look okay on me now - if they have been freshly washed so are shrunk a little, and with a belt done as tight as it would go. When I bought them they were a little snug too.
I tried to make similar excuses - but this time there was louder voice. "Stop making excuses! It's fat - you're just fat. Lose some weight."
I obeyed.
I am still obeying.
Wednesday, 13 July 2011
"Advice from a caterpillar"
The Caterpillar and Alice looked at each other for some time in silence: at last the Caterpillar took the hookah out of its mouth, and addressed her in a languid sleepy voice.
“Who are you? ” said the Caterpillar. This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, “I—I hardly know, sir, just at present—at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.”
“What do you mean by that?” said the Caterpillar sternly. “Explain yourself!”
“I can’t explain myself, I’m afraid, sir,” said Alice, “because I’m not myself, you see.”
“I don’t see,” said the Caterpillar.
“I’m afraid I can’t put it more clearly,” Alice replied very politely, “for I can’t understand it myself to begin with; and being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing.”
“It isn’t,” said the Caterpillar.
“Well, perhaps you haven’t found it so yet,” said Alice; “but when you have to turn into a chrysalis—you will some day, you know—and then after that into a butterfly, I should think you’ll feel it a little queer, won’t you?”
“Not a bit,” said the Caterpillar.
“Well, perhaps your feelings may be different,” said Alice; “all I know is, it would feel very queer to me.”
“You!” said the Caterpillar contemptuously. “Who are you?”
I have considered speaking to someone. To tell them about my state of mind and body, and to ask them to help guide me back a few steps. But i cannot. How would i begin? How could i explain something to someone else, when i cannot even explain it to myself? “because I’m not myself, you see.” I have gone over conversations in my head, and no matter how i word it, it is always horrible.
"But why? How could you let this happen? You have always been skinny. You don't need to lose weight. It's stupid, and ridiculous, and selfish and vain and now you have burdened us with your silly, petty troubles, and we don't want them and we don't like you anymore!!"
No - it is too much to tell someone else. Maybe i will wait until i can sort things out myself a bit first. I feel that (to others) the smaller the number i present them with, the more it will hurt. I have maintained 99 pounds for the last few days, and i have been slowly working old foods previously banned back into my life. Although, i still haven't gone over 800 calories, even with the 10g of cheese and 1/4 teaspoon of nutella. I will get there on my own - after all, butterflies do.
First, however, she waited for a few minutes to see if she was going to shrink any further: she felt a little nervous about this; “for it might end, you know,” said Alice to herself, “in my going out altogether, like a candle. I wonder what I should be like then?” And she tried to fancy what the flame of a candle is like after it is blown out, for she could not remember ever having seen such a thing.
Friday, 8 July 2011
one hundred pounds
for two days. one part of me was happy. the anal part on me was pleased with the most perfect, round number. the more rational side of me was shocked. my goal weight was 112, yet, somehow, i had just carried on. to begin with it was just insurance weight - so i could afford to fluctuate a bit. but now - i don't know. to "celebrate" i (almost reluctantly) let myself have a hobnob and took some pictures, which i thought i would share with you guys. here goes ...
please excuse my awful tanlines. also, my massive shoulders, huge ribcage, flat bum and turny in knees. but ... this is me.
Wednesday, 6 July 2011
aim gun at foot ... and fire
soooo, the doctors now have it on permanent record that i am *drum roll* ... underweight.
fantastic.
and the great thing is, i think i could have gotten away with not being weighed. she asked me if i was about the same weight and i replied "yeah pretty much" then shot myself in the foot by saying "just lost a couple of pounds i think." "nothing too dramatic i hope" she said. sooo, on the scales i went. and apparently it was a dramatic loss. last time i was 56 kg (about 124 lb) and this time i was about 48 kg i think (105 lb) i didn't see the scales properly, but on the screen my bmi said 17.6. even though it was the evening, i had tried to fill up on water and was wearing a heavy cardie that added about a pound (i checked beforehand). what would she have said if she had seen the 101.0lb on the scales this morning while i was naked and had just been to the toilet? i wonder what's a more representative measurement? i never stay the number it says in the morning throughout the day, but im back to it the next morning. so i suppose it is a true measurement?
she asked me if i was eating properly. "yes."
she then asked me if i was a lazy cook, if i exercised vigorously, if i made myself sick after eating. does she think i'm an idiot? i told her "no" and spun some story about how i went on a health kick after Easter, and didn't realise that i was underweight.
it seemed like she wouldn't drop it. she kept on repeating that it was a large weight loss.
"hmmmm. we'll just leave it, and keep an eye on it then."
and finally dropped it. but it's still on record. i hate those things.
all i wanted was some more contraceptive pill! guhhh. hopefully i have gotten away with it. i was creeping myself out thinking she was gonna phone my mum like my head of year did after finding out that i cut myself. but then i remembered the whole confidentiality thing, and i'm not a child anymore, so she can't tell tales on me. can she?
fantastic.
and the great thing is, i think i could have gotten away with not being weighed. she asked me if i was about the same weight and i replied "yeah pretty much" then shot myself in the foot by saying "just lost a couple of pounds i think." "nothing too dramatic i hope" she said. sooo, on the scales i went. and apparently it was a dramatic loss. last time i was 56 kg (about 124 lb) and this time i was about 48 kg i think (105 lb) i didn't see the scales properly, but on the screen my bmi said 17.6. even though it was the evening, i had tried to fill up on water and was wearing a heavy cardie that added about a pound (i checked beforehand). what would she have said if she had seen the 101.0lb on the scales this morning while i was naked and had just been to the toilet? i wonder what's a more representative measurement? i never stay the number it says in the morning throughout the day, but im back to it the next morning. so i suppose it is a true measurement?
she asked me if i was eating properly. "yes."
she then asked me if i was a lazy cook, if i exercised vigorously, if i made myself sick after eating. does she think i'm an idiot? i told her "no" and spun some story about how i went on a health kick after Easter, and didn't realise that i was underweight.
it seemed like she wouldn't drop it. she kept on repeating that it was a large weight loss.
"hmmmm. we'll just leave it, and keep an eye on it then."
and finally dropped it. but it's still on record. i hate those things.
all i wanted was some more contraceptive pill! guhhh. hopefully i have gotten away with it. i was creeping myself out thinking she was gonna phone my mum like my head of year did after finding out that i cut myself. but then i remembered the whole confidentiality thing, and i'm not a child anymore, so she can't tell tales on me. can she?
Monday, 20 June 2011
warning: explicit content
i really hope that the following photos don't cause any cravings / binges, i just wanted to show you guys what i was up against!!
sooo, Saturday evening was my party. i was going to try and fast all day, but that didn't happen - had chocolate raisins for breakfast and sampled some cheese, onion and apple pastry rolls and some pasta when we were setting up.
sooo, i honestly think i ate about a minimum of 6000 calories that night, the food was just so good, and even though i was feeling sick i couldn't stop myself from eating. i have literally never felt to sick in my life! it was so painful. and it had absolutely nothing to do with alcohol, it was purely the food because i am such a piggy. and i still couldn't make myself sick!! even though i was drunk! what is up with that?!
so i eventually reached my absolute limit and stopped eating (after loads of pasta, rice, sausage rolls, crisps, pizza, chicken, coronation chicken, sausages, veggie pastry things, brownies, cheesecake, cupcakes, and about 5 slices of millionaires shortbread. and probably other stuff!)
the next day i was still feeling soooo sick and ill so i "didn't have breakfast" but was nibbling on sausage rolls, crisps and brownies. then we had a roast dinner - i had a teeney one, which i felt was okay, but then had double helping of chocolate fondant pudding, and ate a load of leftover roast potatoes that were left on the table later in the day and a "little" slice of birthday cake. i have no idea how i managed to fit all that food in me!
so its nearly 4 the next day (Monday) and i have not been hungry all day, still been feeling a little sick, so haven't eaten anything, yay (i suppose). my mum knows I've been feeling sick, and i was like sort of retching all day yesterday, so she's just gonna do a chicken salad tonight. hopefully ill be able to play up the sick card as much as possible and leave some or get her to give me a tiny amount of chicken.
i feel really guilty, i am such a fatty. apparently I've put on 4 pounds (so am 110), but I'm not going to say that's a definitive weight yet - last night it said i put on half a stone but that was still because I've had loads of food in me, and well ... I've been visiting the toilet loads, so it may go down again tomorrow!
110 was a weight i was thinking of reaching, but not over 2 days!! that's why i feel so guilty about it, but it may go down tomorrow (hopefully!)
i was definitely in a "its my party so i am allowed to binge!" mindset, but i wont allow myself to carry it on at all! my mum has the day off on Thursday which is my birthday, so i may have to cut myself some more slack there, but i will try as hard as possible to keep my intake down low in the day, as my boyfriend is taking me out to dinner that night, so that will be a tonne of calories too. and ill allow myself a "small" slice of birthday cake (its impossible to get a small slice with this cake!!)
These are the worst offenders - home made millionaires shortbread - she may have just served up crack cocaine! i guess about 500 calories a square? and a pound gained with each one!
sooo, Saturday evening was my party. i was going to try and fast all day, but that didn't happen - had chocolate raisins for breakfast and sampled some cheese, onion and apple pastry rolls and some pasta when we were setting up.
sooo, i honestly think i ate about a minimum of 6000 calories that night, the food was just so good, and even though i was feeling sick i couldn't stop myself from eating. i have literally never felt to sick in my life! it was so painful. and it had absolutely nothing to do with alcohol, it was purely the food because i am such a piggy. and i still couldn't make myself sick!! even though i was drunk! what is up with that?!
so i eventually reached my absolute limit and stopped eating (after loads of pasta, rice, sausage rolls, crisps, pizza, chicken, coronation chicken, sausages, veggie pastry things, brownies, cheesecake, cupcakes, and about 5 slices of millionaires shortbread. and probably other stuff!)
the next day i was still feeling soooo sick and ill so i "didn't have breakfast" but was nibbling on sausage rolls, crisps and brownies. then we had a roast dinner - i had a teeney one, which i felt was okay, but then had double helping of chocolate fondant pudding, and ate a load of leftover roast potatoes that were left on the table later in the day and a "little" slice of birthday cake. i have no idea how i managed to fit all that food in me!
so its nearly 4 the next day (Monday) and i have not been hungry all day, still been feeling a little sick, so haven't eaten anything, yay (i suppose). my mum knows I've been feeling sick, and i was like sort of retching all day yesterday, so she's just gonna do a chicken salad tonight. hopefully ill be able to play up the sick card as much as possible and leave some or get her to give me a tiny amount of chicken.
i feel really guilty, i am such a fatty. apparently I've put on 4 pounds (so am 110), but I'm not going to say that's a definitive weight yet - last night it said i put on half a stone but that was still because I've had loads of food in me, and well ... I've been visiting the toilet loads, so it may go down again tomorrow!
110 was a weight i was thinking of reaching, but not over 2 days!! that's why i feel so guilty about it, but it may go down tomorrow (hopefully!)
i was definitely in a "its my party so i am allowed to binge!" mindset, but i wont allow myself to carry it on at all! my mum has the day off on Thursday which is my birthday, so i may have to cut myself some more slack there, but i will try as hard as possible to keep my intake down low in the day, as my boyfriend is taking me out to dinner that night, so that will be a tonne of calories too. and ill allow myself a "small" slice of birthday cake (its impossible to get a small slice with this cake!!)
Thursday, 2 June 2011
108
that's what the scales said this morning. well. originally 107.5, but then i had a drink and it went to 108 - i think it only goes up in 0.5 pounds.
which has given me a bit of hope for all the food i am about to consume this weekend- as long as i remain under 112 on Monday, i will be happy! i doubt ill gain that much though (i hope!!!!)
anyways - better get back to revising! cannot wait until 4pm, then i will be freeeee :)
but it's kinda sad that the first years over already, it feels like it's gone so quick! and it's in to the properly serious stuff next year!
hope you are all well :)
which has given me a bit of hope for all the food i am about to consume this weekend- as long as i remain under 112 on Monday, i will be happy! i doubt ill gain that much though (i hope!!!!)
anyways - better get back to revising! cannot wait until 4pm, then i will be freeeee :)
but it's kinda sad that the first years over already, it feels like it's gone so quick! and it's in to the properly serious stuff next year!
hope you are all well :)
Monday, 30 May 2011
feeling better today - and i have a plan :)
okay, so i have recently been annoyed that despite losing weight, my inner thighs and lower belly are still a teeny bit pudgy. but i have also been annoyed that since losing weight by boobs have got smaller ( i know i go on about them enough, but its a touchy subject with me, they never started off big to begin with!)
but i have realised, that although losing weight will improve my thighs and belly - they will not be perfect (well, as near as possible) by just losing weight alone. they need to be more toned. So, my plan is, to focus on toning these areas while i maintain my weight.
tone and maintain!
Sooo, i shall do this until I am satisfied, and then i will attempt to gradually put on a few pounds in the (possibly vain) hope that the weight will not greatly affect my perfectly toned and sculpted areas, and will just go to my boobs. that's the plan anyway - its worth a try. and if it doesn't work i will then have to make a decision - do i stay the same or lose the weight again at the sacrifice of my lady lumps? (lol, i cant believe i just called them that!!)
anyways, today was good - i didn't even crave chocolate like i normally do when I'm pms-ing ... i craved grapes. yaaaay! :)
but i have realised, that although losing weight will improve my thighs and belly - they will not be perfect (well, as near as possible) by just losing weight alone. they need to be more toned. So, my plan is, to focus on toning these areas while i maintain my weight.
tone and maintain!
Sooo, i shall do this until I am satisfied, and then i will attempt to gradually put on a few pounds in the (possibly vain) hope that the weight will not greatly affect my perfectly toned and sculpted areas, and will just go to my boobs. that's the plan anyway - its worth a try. and if it doesn't work i will then have to make a decision - do i stay the same or lose the weight again at the sacrifice of my lady lumps? (lol, i cant believe i just called them that!!)
anyways, today was good - i didn't even crave chocolate like i normally do when I'm pms-ing ... i craved grapes. yaaaay! :)
Wednesday, 25 May 2011
panic
so today i go to put on my favorite £40 topshop jeans, that were a teensey bit too tight for me when i bought them, and they were too big. and a stretchy top that is usually tight fitting was baggy. i threw them straight into a washing machine thinking maybe that would shrink them down a bit - will have to see when they dry.
i tried on my favorite LBD that i was forced to get in a (UK) size 6 because that was all that was left on the sale rack, and it fit perfectly. it's made of stretchy material so i could always fit into it, but only just.
and the scales this morning said 110.5 pounds. my target weight was 112.
i suppose this is okay - i can allow myself to fluctuate between 110 and 112. but the thing is, the amount that i am still eating is the amount i need to lose weight. i need to start eating the amount i need to maintain weight, but my calorie calculator says that's about 1600. that is so much more than I've been used to - more than double, about triple some days! how am i going to suddenly get back to eating that?
i thought that i would ease myself in, so i was going to have a salad sandwich for lunch instead of just a salad. but i couldn't after the donut that i ate yesterday.
I'm not sure how the best way for me to do this is. i suppose increase portion sizes teeney bits at a time? my body (and my mind) has gotten so used to restricting, it's going to be hard. but i don't want to carry on losing weight, i just need to get more toned. my boobs are small enough as it is and i think they're starting to get smaller! guhhhh
i tried on my favorite LBD that i was forced to get in a (UK) size 6 because that was all that was left on the sale rack, and it fit perfectly. it's made of stretchy material so i could always fit into it, but only just.
and the scales this morning said 110.5 pounds. my target weight was 112.
i suppose this is okay - i can allow myself to fluctuate between 110 and 112. but the thing is, the amount that i am still eating is the amount i need to lose weight. i need to start eating the amount i need to maintain weight, but my calorie calculator says that's about 1600. that is so much more than I've been used to - more than double, about triple some days! how am i going to suddenly get back to eating that?
i thought that i would ease myself in, so i was going to have a salad sandwich for lunch instead of just a salad. but i couldn't after the donut that i ate yesterday.
I'm not sure how the best way for me to do this is. i suppose increase portion sizes teeney bits at a time? my body (and my mind) has gotten so used to restricting, it's going to be hard. but i don't want to carry on losing weight, i just need to get more toned. my boobs are small enough as it is and i think they're starting to get smaller! guhhhh
Tuesday, 24 May 2011
krispy kremes are like porn to me
oh the shaaaame!
okay, so i was a bit of a piggy - I've been wanting one for ages and have resisted! but i felt i should give myself a little treat after my exam (think it went well!) and for manage to stay below 112 for quite a while. so i had a creme brulee krispy kreme NOM. its got caramel and custard inside and a glittery caramel glaze. oh those perfectly disgusting calories. i had one salt and pepper cashew nut, 2 honey pecans nut halves, a honey macadamia nut, 2 yogurt coated hazelnuts and a teeny bit of honeycomb. for dinner - a bit of homemade ratatouille (which is amazingly yummy and so low in calories and fat!)
okay, so the sweet tooth demon raised its head today, but I've smashed it away now :) I'm not sure how many calories were in the nuts which freaks me out a little, but there was like 50 calories max in the ratatouille. and about 350 calories in the donut I'm guessing. it was so overwhelming that i couldn't eat it in one go, and soooo sweet and heavy that it will definitely satisfy any craving for a long time :)
i shall, of course, be extra good for the rest of the week. that's the great thing about living at uni- there's nothing in my cupboards to tempt me apart from a few grapes, because i have complete control of my shopping list, yay :)
okay, so i was a bit of a piggy - I've been wanting one for ages and have resisted! but i felt i should give myself a little treat after my exam (think it went well!) and for manage to stay below 112 for quite a while. so i had a creme brulee krispy kreme NOM. its got caramel and custard inside and a glittery caramel glaze. oh those perfectly disgusting calories. i had one salt and pepper cashew nut, 2 honey pecans nut halves, a honey macadamia nut, 2 yogurt coated hazelnuts and a teeny bit of honeycomb. for dinner - a bit of homemade ratatouille (which is amazingly yummy and so low in calories and fat!)
okay, so the sweet tooth demon raised its head today, but I've smashed it away now :) I'm not sure how many calories were in the nuts which freaks me out a little, but there was like 50 calories max in the ratatouille. and about 350 calories in the donut I'm guessing. it was so overwhelming that i couldn't eat it in one go, and soooo sweet and heavy that it will definitely satisfy any craving for a long time :)
i shall, of course, be extra good for the rest of the week. that's the great thing about living at uni- there's nothing in my cupboards to tempt me apart from a few grapes, because i have complete control of my shopping list, yay :)
Monday, 23 May 2011
stuffed!
i feel like i have eated loads today (and i have compared to recently) yet still about 600 cals, even with three (woops) weetabix this morning :) i was gonna have 2 but there was one left in the pack and it seemed ridiculous leaving ot on its own, ha! i like my weetabix still crunchy so i just drizzled it in skimmed milk. i used to douse it in sugar but i didn't today, and loved it. i think my sweet tooth has (could it be?!) gone!
everything looks bigger on my small bowls and plates anyways, but i did have a lot for dinner - 50g rice (weighed dry) with veg and this weightwatchers tuna in tomato and herb dressing, so nice, and so low cal/fat. couldn't finish it though, but i will definately not be going to bed tonight hungry, or guilty :)
though probably a bit nervy - exam tomorrow! at half 9 in the morning (why?! it should be illegal). at least the first year doesn't count to final grades, just getting into the next year (what an excellent attitude, lol)
seems im in a good mood today :) all that lovely, filling low fat food :) and controoool.
everything looks bigger on my small bowls and plates anyways, but i did have a lot for dinner - 50g rice (weighed dry) with veg and this weightwatchers tuna in tomato and herb dressing, so nice, and so low cal/fat. couldn't finish it though, but i will definately not be going to bed tonight hungry, or guilty :)
though probably a bit nervy - exam tomorrow! at half 9 in the morning (why?! it should be illegal). at least the first year doesn't count to final grades, just getting into the next year (what an excellent attitude, lol)
seems im in a good mood today :) all that lovely, filling low fat food :) and controoool.
gross
i just watched my flatmate cook bacon. at midnight (wtf). it made me feel so queasy. even after i told her that you lose about 80%(!) of the fat if you cut the rind off, she still kept it on. as well as drenching the pan in oil, bluuurgh. i watched all the fat bubbling away horrified. then she added another (thick) slice, then another, until she had 5. all cooked in tonnes of fat. i used to love bacon (though would always cut the rind off and grill it) but that has put me off!
i cannot believe how much she eats! she's not even that fat! so unfair - she eats disgustingly - a "meal" for her consists of a 6 pack of crisps, or half a pack of bacon, or 5 hotdogs. the only thing she can "properly" cook is chicken (she has 2 breasts) normally accompanied by cheesey pasta or uncle bens rice. how is she not obese?
so not fair. although i am not wishing that i could eat her diet even if i wouldnt put on weight, it would just make me feel so ill.
wow, this sounds so bitchy - whoops! i love her really i just feel so ill at the moment
i cannot believe how much she eats! she's not even that fat! so unfair - she eats disgustingly - a "meal" for her consists of a 6 pack of crisps, or half a pack of bacon, or 5 hotdogs. the only thing she can "properly" cook is chicken (she has 2 breasts) normally accompanied by cheesey pasta or uncle bens rice. how is she not obese?
so not fair. although i am not wishing that i could eat her diet even if i wouldnt put on weight, it would just make me feel so ill.
wow, this sounds so bitchy - whoops! i love her really i just feel so ill at the moment
Saturday, 21 May 2011
am i disordered?
i wouldn't consider myself to have an eating disorder, but upon reflection i am not so sure. i think in the past that i have always been a bit conscious of "good" and "bad" food, always trying to eat relatively healthy, but allowing myself to give in to cravings every now and then - sometimes a bit too much!
i have always been fairly skinny (i have never weighed over 9 stone) so maybe that is why i don't think i have a disorder. i cant have anorexia because i don't have a reason to! i don't feel that my life is out of control and that the food is the only thing i can control etc, like they tend to say about a lot of anorexia sufferers. yet, recently i am beginning to think that i don't have a normal relationship with food.
i remember the first time that i thought that i needed to lose weight. i was 15 or 16, it was just after easter so i had been a bit of a piggy then, and mum had bought a box of mini brownie bites. they were scrummy and i polished them off quickly, so she kept on buying more to keep them topped up. after a couple of weeks of this i bent down in front of a mirror with just some jeans on and saw my belly bulge over the top. this horrified me, and upon weighing myself i saw i was at the top end of 8 stone.
i had always been skinny and i wasn't going to let that change, so i went on a mini diet (mainly just cutting out the brownie bites!) and soon got back to about 8 and a half stone.
the lightest i have ever been was when i was 15 and i dropped to about 7 and a half stone (approx) and that was during a period of depression where i felt sick all the time and had absolutely no appetite, so i didn't even mean to lose the weight.
i think since then i have gone through phases. for a few months i would eat whatever, then i would fill my lunchbox with rice crackers and vegetables, then eat whatever etc etc. especially when my friends always commented on how incredibly skinny my best friend was, when i was sure i was skinnier than her! so i tried to make sure that i was. i dunno why! jealousy i suppose
but these phases seem to be getting more frequent and more intense over the last year. it started with joining gym, then a calorie and weight tracking website when i noticed my weight creeping towards the 9 stone barrier again. so i just started eating healthier, maybe snacking less, just having a chocolate bar once a week etc.
then i began making lists (mental and physical) of what i could and couldn't eat. there was "yes", "no" and "maybe". this used to pass the time while i was working on the checkouts and judging every food as it went past, trying quickly to look at the nutritional content labels without anyone noticing.
when no one was around and i had a massive craving, i would stuff my face with it - but not swallow - spitting it out and flushing it away.
sometimes i would swallow the food, and i would try and purge it back up. despite many attempts i have never been able to do this, even after looking at pro mia websites for tips. so without being able to purge, i would look at ana tips instead. with each phase of more "normal" eating then my "diets" it would be stronger reinforced that eating loads makes me feel sick, which meant i would get fat. and i couldn't make myself sick, so the solution was simple - don't eat it in the first place!
i think the latest phase is probably the worst, and probably began just before easter. i noticed that i was starting to get a bit of cellulite when i clenched my bum together, which i was not happy about- i nearly cried! so i went on a mini health kick. my flat mate and i are oddly similar - we both seem to be very concerned about weight and health, but also obsessed with baking! and we were never any good at resisting a baking urge! (even if we did do it the "healthy" way - it doesn't count if you still binge on them! she always said "because we used low fat butter etc, we can have more!). So I decided to get healthy again and to lose some of that fat that was developing into cellulite (eww). But before that came a couple of weekends visiting friends at different unis, which were weekends full of eating and snacking! and then a weekend to Amsterdam (you can never resist the munchies ;) )
when we got back from our heavy Amsterdam weekend, we decided to go on a juice diet for a week, which was really good and taught me how little i actually needed. pancake day then loomed (of course we stuffed ourselves silly all day eating nothing but pancakes!) and we made a pact to give up something for lent (not for religious reasons, just because)
i gave up chocolate, which at first was hard because i had been having so much of it around that time, but then it got okay (i don't crave it at all now!) and i started to add other things to my list (pastry, crisps, chips etc). i restricted more and more, but felt good about myself after all the rubbish i had been eating.
so during lent was easy - i had an "excuse" to not eat chocolate and eat the fruit dessert instead, and no one thought it was odd. but then that ended and i got a pile of chocolate on easter day. it was a lot. well, it was also a lot less than i usually got - i got some easter themed presents instead, but after going so long without chocolate it felt like loads. i managed to pawn some off on my brother, boyfriend and friends, but i still had quite a bit left over, so i had some. then it turned into a binge. i loved the first few bites but then i kept going, despite feeling sick. and afterwards i felt so guilty. it was horrible.
so i majorly restricted my diet after then, and i am still doing it now. but i think its getting more than that. i am beginning to obsess - weighing food, often to about half the recommended portion size, leaving food, secretly throwing some away. and some times when my mum was cooking/serving food, i felt really anxious. sometimes scared (especially at talks of ordering takeaways).
maybe I've been in denial about my eating habits. i dunno if they fall into any category or label. but at the moment i like the feeling that i get from being in control of myself. i like that i don't have to resist cravings, because i don't have any anymore (nowhere near as bad as before anyways).
sorry for the essay, just felt that i needed to say that. would love to hear what you think (if you can get through it!)
i have always been fairly skinny (i have never weighed over 9 stone) so maybe that is why i don't think i have a disorder. i cant have anorexia because i don't have a reason to! i don't feel that my life is out of control and that the food is the only thing i can control etc, like they tend to say about a lot of anorexia sufferers. yet, recently i am beginning to think that i don't have a normal relationship with food.
i remember the first time that i thought that i needed to lose weight. i was 15 or 16, it was just after easter so i had been a bit of a piggy then, and mum had bought a box of mini brownie bites. they were scrummy and i polished them off quickly, so she kept on buying more to keep them topped up. after a couple of weeks of this i bent down in front of a mirror with just some jeans on and saw my belly bulge over the top. this horrified me, and upon weighing myself i saw i was at the top end of 8 stone.
i had always been skinny and i wasn't going to let that change, so i went on a mini diet (mainly just cutting out the brownie bites!) and soon got back to about 8 and a half stone.
the lightest i have ever been was when i was 15 and i dropped to about 7 and a half stone (approx) and that was during a period of depression where i felt sick all the time and had absolutely no appetite, so i didn't even mean to lose the weight.
i think since then i have gone through phases. for a few months i would eat whatever, then i would fill my lunchbox with rice crackers and vegetables, then eat whatever etc etc. especially when my friends always commented on how incredibly skinny my best friend was, when i was sure i was skinnier than her! so i tried to make sure that i was. i dunno why! jealousy i suppose
but these phases seem to be getting more frequent and more intense over the last year. it started with joining gym, then a calorie and weight tracking website when i noticed my weight creeping towards the 9 stone barrier again. so i just started eating healthier, maybe snacking less, just having a chocolate bar once a week etc.
then i began making lists (mental and physical) of what i could and couldn't eat. there was "yes", "no" and "maybe". this used to pass the time while i was working on the checkouts and judging every food as it went past, trying quickly to look at the nutritional content labels without anyone noticing.
when no one was around and i had a massive craving, i would stuff my face with it - but not swallow - spitting it out and flushing it away.
sometimes i would swallow the food, and i would try and purge it back up. despite many attempts i have never been able to do this, even after looking at pro mia websites for tips. so without being able to purge, i would look at ana tips instead. with each phase of more "normal" eating then my "diets" it would be stronger reinforced that eating loads makes me feel sick, which meant i would get fat. and i couldn't make myself sick, so the solution was simple - don't eat it in the first place!
i think the latest phase is probably the worst, and probably began just before easter. i noticed that i was starting to get a bit of cellulite when i clenched my bum together, which i was not happy about- i nearly cried! so i went on a mini health kick. my flat mate and i are oddly similar - we both seem to be very concerned about weight and health, but also obsessed with baking! and we were never any good at resisting a baking urge! (even if we did do it the "healthy" way - it doesn't count if you still binge on them! she always said "because we used low fat butter etc, we can have more!). So I decided to get healthy again and to lose some of that fat that was developing into cellulite (eww). But before that came a couple of weekends visiting friends at different unis, which were weekends full of eating and snacking! and then a weekend to Amsterdam (you can never resist the munchies ;) )
when we got back from our heavy Amsterdam weekend, we decided to go on a juice diet for a week, which was really good and taught me how little i actually needed. pancake day then loomed (of course we stuffed ourselves silly all day eating nothing but pancakes!) and we made a pact to give up something for lent (not for religious reasons, just because)
i gave up chocolate, which at first was hard because i had been having so much of it around that time, but then it got okay (i don't crave it at all now!) and i started to add other things to my list (pastry, crisps, chips etc). i restricted more and more, but felt good about myself after all the rubbish i had been eating.
so during lent was easy - i had an "excuse" to not eat chocolate and eat the fruit dessert instead, and no one thought it was odd. but then that ended and i got a pile of chocolate on easter day. it was a lot. well, it was also a lot less than i usually got - i got some easter themed presents instead, but after going so long without chocolate it felt like loads. i managed to pawn some off on my brother, boyfriend and friends, but i still had quite a bit left over, so i had some. then it turned into a binge. i loved the first few bites but then i kept going, despite feeling sick. and afterwards i felt so guilty. it was horrible.
so i majorly restricted my diet after then, and i am still doing it now. but i think its getting more than that. i am beginning to obsess - weighing food, often to about half the recommended portion size, leaving food, secretly throwing some away. and some times when my mum was cooking/serving food, i felt really anxious. sometimes scared (especially at talks of ordering takeaways).
maybe I've been in denial about my eating habits. i dunno if they fall into any category or label. but at the moment i like the feeling that i get from being in control of myself. i like that i don't have to resist cravings, because i don't have any anymore (nowhere near as bad as before anyways).
sorry for the essay, just felt that i needed to say that. would love to hear what you think (if you can get through it!)
metabolism tips
Found these from various websites, quite useful :) apart from the first tip lol - who eats 6 meals a day?!
1. Eat more often. Begin with breakfast and eat at least 4, preferably 5 or 6, meals a day. Every time you eat it revs up your metabolism. On the other hand, skipping or going for long periods of time without eating causes your metabolism to slow down.
2. Have small mini-meals. Eating small, frequent meals keeps your blood sugar stable, fuels your metabolism and gives you sustained energy. If possible, taper calories to fit your daily energy output – breakfast would be your biggest meal (but not too big). And your last meal of the day, at least 4 hours before bedtime, would be your lightest meal.
3. Choose maxi-metabolism foods. Focus on whole food high fiber carbohydrates for fat burning energy. And countless studies show that good quality protein helps you build lean muscle and lose fat, so include enough protein at every meal. Also make sure you take nutritional health supplements to get sufficient vitamins, minerals and nutrients.
4. Spice up your dishes. Hot and spicy seasonings, such as chilies, mustard and curry have been found to raise metabolism by up to 40% for two or three hours. Just make sure your spicy dish is not a high calorie meal or you'll undo the fat burning advantage.
5. Drink ice cold water. Water makes up 70 to 80% of your blood and brain, so it's essential to good health. And now German researchers have found dieters can increase their metabolic rate by as much as 30% by drinking 17 ounces of cold water. Actually, just being cold increases your metabolism. Your body has to burn about 100 calories to get warmed back up to normal temperature. Plus, thirst is often mistaken for hunger, so staying hydrated can help keep you from overeating too.
6. Switch to green tea. Studies show green tea can speed up metabolism and help burn fat. So consider exchanging your morning cup of java for a mug of green tea – especially since it's also been shown to be a good source of antioxidants.
7. Get an optimum level of good fats. According to fish oil and weight loss research, certain specific omega 3 fatty acids are important for their fat conversion abilities. Essential fatty acids are also necessary to keep your thyroid and other hormonal glands working optimally.
Foods for a high metabolism:
Grapefruit (helps to dissolve fat and cholesterol!)
Cayenne pepper
Salsa
Hot pepper
Chilli sauce
Mustard
Ice water (not with meals)
Green tea - hot or cold, especially before a meal.
Apple cider vinegar (drink)
Cabbage
Celery (minus calories!)
Brussel sprouts
1. Eat more often. Begin with breakfast and eat at least 4, preferably 5 or 6, meals a day. Every time you eat it revs up your metabolism. On the other hand, skipping or going for long periods of time without eating causes your metabolism to slow down.
2. Have small mini-meals. Eating small, frequent meals keeps your blood sugar stable, fuels your metabolism and gives you sustained energy. If possible, taper calories to fit your daily energy output – breakfast would be your biggest meal (but not too big). And your last meal of the day, at least 4 hours before bedtime, would be your lightest meal.
3. Choose maxi-metabolism foods. Focus on whole food high fiber carbohydrates for fat burning energy. And countless studies show that good quality protein helps you build lean muscle and lose fat, so include enough protein at every meal. Also make sure you take nutritional health supplements to get sufficient vitamins, minerals and nutrients.
4. Spice up your dishes. Hot and spicy seasonings, such as chilies, mustard and curry have been found to raise metabolism by up to 40% for two or three hours. Just make sure your spicy dish is not a high calorie meal or you'll undo the fat burning advantage.
5. Drink ice cold water. Water makes up 70 to 80% of your blood and brain, so it's essential to good health. And now German researchers have found dieters can increase their metabolic rate by as much as 30% by drinking 17 ounces of cold water. Actually, just being cold increases your metabolism. Your body has to burn about 100 calories to get warmed back up to normal temperature. Plus, thirst is often mistaken for hunger, so staying hydrated can help keep you from overeating too.
6. Switch to green tea. Studies show green tea can speed up metabolism and help burn fat. So consider exchanging your morning cup of java for a mug of green tea – especially since it's also been shown to be a good source of antioxidants.
7. Get an optimum level of good fats. According to fish oil and weight loss research, certain specific omega 3 fatty acids are important for their fat conversion abilities. Essential fatty acids are also necessary to keep your thyroid and other hormonal glands working optimally.
Foods for a high metabolism:
Grapefruit (helps to dissolve fat and cholesterol!)
Cayenne pepper
Salsa
Hot pepper
Chilli sauce
Mustard
Ice water (not with meals)
Green tea - hot or cold, especially before a meal.
Apple cider vinegar (drink)
Cabbage
Celery (minus calories!)
Brussel sprouts
Friday, 20 May 2011
realisation
okay, so i just weighed myself on my accurate digital scales, and it appears that my crappy scales at home gave me false hope - i am 113lb, not 112lb.
but, the fact that i was so annoyed by this, gave me a bit of a shock. i am probably in a bit of denial about my eating habits. i have always had a bit of a guilty conscience about eating food that is bad for you, and have often been through phases of healthier eating. but it's gotten worse over the past year - i realised that about this time last year i joined a website where you can track your daily calorie intake and weight loss. according to my chart, it is clear that i have gone through phases of weight loss and calorie tracking, and then couldn't be bothered anymore, gained a couple of pounds and then repeated the process.
it seems to get worse each time, and this time definitely. it calculated that for me to lose 1.5 pounds a week with a sedentary lifestyle, i can afford to eat about 900 calories a day - but i hate it when the little bar creeps anywhere near the red line, so i eat much less, or try and burn it off it i eat more.
i need to start working out how much i need to eat to stay the weight that i am. but i think i'll lose a couple more pounds first - just to that if i do fluctuate, hopefully i will remain 110 - 112. i wish i could just lose weight off my thighs :( there's a little bit of flab just at the top of the inside of my legs, i hate it. i like the way my tummy looks at the mo though :)
but, the fact that i was so annoyed by this, gave me a bit of a shock. i am probably in a bit of denial about my eating habits. i have always had a bit of a guilty conscience about eating food that is bad for you, and have often been through phases of healthier eating. but it's gotten worse over the past year - i realised that about this time last year i joined a website where you can track your daily calorie intake and weight loss. according to my chart, it is clear that i have gone through phases of weight loss and calorie tracking, and then couldn't be bothered anymore, gained a couple of pounds and then repeated the process.
it seems to get worse each time, and this time definitely. it calculated that for me to lose 1.5 pounds a week with a sedentary lifestyle, i can afford to eat about 900 calories a day - but i hate it when the little bar creeps anywhere near the red line, so i eat much less, or try and burn it off it i eat more.
Thursday, 19 May 2011
yay :)
the sun is shining. and the scales said 112
Also, going back to uni today, which is good and bad - will be fuuun and get to see my fwendies again. I also get 100% control of my food (unless my flatmates have filled the place with chocolate lol. I also expect they're gonna make me a massive cake for early birthday celebrations :/) However, it also means exams, and being away from my boyfriend, which will be so hard after being back for such a long break :(
Wednesday, 18 May 2011
today has been good and bad :/
yesterday was a really good day calorie wise so i allowed myself a snack of a banana in the evening - i sooo wish i hadn't! i think i must be allergic to them or something (is that even possible?!) because as soon as i ate it i felt a bit sick, which soon escalated into REALLY sick and intense stomach cramping. did not agree with my poor tummy at all (it's still feeling sorry for itself now). this also happened at christmas (i was working in a supermarket and threw up while serving a customer!!)
but then when i stepped on the scales this morning, it said 112.5 (ish - i can't really tell because we have rubbish non-digital ones. i cant wait to get my digital ones back from uni).
so- that made me happy, but then i stepped on and off and it went up to 113.5 ish. guhhh.
to make things worse, i went into the living room this morning and noticed that my mum had laid out little bowls of sweets. my favorite sweets - rowntrees very berry jellies and chocolate raisins. i couldn't resist :( i had or 6 jellies (about 75-80cal) and about 10 raisins (about 40cal). i suppose i should be happy because i was on the brink of a binge but i resisted.
i also haven't been for a run in ages :( crunches etc can only do so much :( although i am loving my rowing exercise band thingy at the mo :)
on the other hand - having a poorly tummy means that i can get away with a teeny dinner this evening, yay :)
(not that i could eat a whole meal anyways!)
but then when i stepped on the scales this morning, it said 112.5 (ish - i can't really tell because we have rubbish non-digital ones. i cant wait to get my digital ones back from uni).
so- that made me happy, but then i stepped on and off and it went up to 113.5 ish. guhhh.
to make things worse, i went into the living room this morning and noticed that my mum had laid out little bowls of sweets. my favorite sweets - rowntrees very berry jellies and chocolate raisins. i couldn't resist :( i had or 6 jellies (about 75-80cal) and about 10 raisins (about 40cal). i suppose i should be happy because i was on the brink of a binge but i resisted.
i also haven't been for a run in ages :( crunches etc can only do so much :( although i am loving my rowing exercise band thingy at the mo :)
on the other hand - having a poorly tummy means that i can get away with a teeny dinner this evening, yay :)
(not that i could eat a whole meal anyways!)
Tuesday, 17 May 2011
i hate the sound of some peole eating
blurrgh. especially when they're all salivary and throaty. and shovelling it down their throat. ewww.
although today has been a low calorie day, so that cheers me up :) even though i had salad and chicken stuffed with boursin for dinner. it was light boursin and i managed to get away with scraping a lot of it out and spreading it around my plate.
i even had a bit of toast (cut the crusts off so it was 20g) cut in half again with cinnamon sugar on one side and peanut butter on the other - and my whole days intake is still about 350 :) gonna do some crunches and stuff in a bit.
i read something today that peanut butter is actually really good for you and can even burn fat (in low portions) because it is full of good fat! but only real peanut butter, not the sugary over processed stuff. the reduced fat peanut butter can actually be bad for you as they replace the good fats (which can burn body fat) with bad fat - so there's an excuse to be a little bit indulgent - yay :)
although today has been a low calorie day, so that cheers me up :) even though i had salad and chicken stuffed with boursin for dinner. it was light boursin and i managed to get away with scraping a lot of it out and spreading it around my plate.
i even had a bit of toast (cut the crusts off so it was 20g) cut in half again with cinnamon sugar on one side and peanut butter on the other - and my whole days intake is still about 350 :) gonna do some crunches and stuff in a bit.
i read something today that peanut butter is actually really good for you and can even burn fat (in low portions) because it is full of good fat! but only real peanut butter, not the sugary over processed stuff. the reduced fat peanut butter can actually be bad for you as they replace the good fats (which can burn body fat) with bad fat - so there's an excuse to be a little bit indulgent - yay :)
Monday, 16 May 2011
breakfast
you're always hearing some scientist go on about the benefits of breakfast (well i am anyways)
"it's the most important meal of the day!"
"it sets you up for the day ahead!"
well i've had a little brekkie for the past couple of days and i think i shall carry on that trend. it does make me last longer without wanting to eat and snack, so it must be good :)
especially with a healthy cereal - i have sultana bran. it's yummy, low fat, full of fibre and fortified with vitamins and iron. 20g and 50 ml semi skimmed milk cant hurt (I'm working on getting mum to get skimmed milk, i actually prefer it and it's lower fat, so duh!).
hmm - it does have fiber in, about 3%GDA i think. and 1%GDA fat (the same for saturated). It also has sugar in it - this picture fails for everything apart from calories lol.
my portions come to about 90 cals (i'll round it up to 95 just in case), so yay :)
aaaaand, i'm nearing my goal weight (3 pounds to go!) so i'll need to start working out how much i need to stop losing weight and to stay the same weight.
i think once i stay 110lb for a week or so i will allow myself a day to pig out. i know that i will be able to re-lose anything i put on, and planning a binge doesn't make me feel so guilty, especially with the hard work that i have done to earn it :)
i shall have some lucky charms and a krispy kreme :) maybe some crisps or chips too if i don't feel too sick!
"it's the most important meal of the day!"
"it sets you up for the day ahead!"
well i've had a little brekkie for the past couple of days and i think i shall carry on that trend. it does make me last longer without wanting to eat and snack, so it must be good :)
especially with a healthy cereal - i have sultana bran. it's yummy, low fat, full of fibre and fortified with vitamins and iron. 20g and 50 ml semi skimmed milk cant hurt (I'm working on getting mum to get skimmed milk, i actually prefer it and it's lower fat, so duh!).
my portions come to about 90 cals (i'll round it up to 95 just in case), so yay :)
aaaaand, i'm nearing my goal weight (3 pounds to go!) so i'll need to start working out how much i need to stop losing weight and to stay the same weight.
i think once i stay 110lb for a week or so i will allow myself a day to pig out. i know that i will be able to re-lose anything i put on, and planning a binge doesn't make me feel so guilty, especially with the hard work that i have done to earn it :)
i shall have some lucky charms and a krispy kreme :) maybe some crisps or chips too if i don't feel too sick!
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