fuck

or maybe not. my sex drive is gone. completely; not a spark.

i tried, but i felt bored, then it just hurt, then i cried. luckily he didn't notice. and it's not his fault. it's all me.

numb ...

and i had a diet irn bru earlier that has given me massive cravings and headaches. you can taste the sweetener shit in it. diet coke doesn't do this to me, why didn't i just stick to good old diet coke? that stuff never lets me down.

not happy.

fuuuuuuuck.

introversion is bliss

lately, i have been noticing that my mind is becoming more and more at peace. it was all messed up a couple of weeks ago, there was too much going on in it - yet not enough. i was numb but there was screaming inside my head.
now ... i float along merrily enough.

but only when i am on my own. i can sit inside of myself and watch the world go by, just watching.

in this floaty, dreamy state, i am happy. there is no interaction with the world to bother me, there is only myself. but when the world forces me to interact with it, things change. i suddenly become tired; everything is an effort. my senses are dulled. i am snappy. now i am outside of myself and watching in horror as i am a moany, touchy bitch to people. my poor boyfriend, he puts up with so much. but i am tired from the effort of having to put on  facade for people. i have to watch myself be grumpy and hear myself say things which i know will annoy him, yet they come out anyway.

i get so, so tired when i have to interact, yet the moment i am allowed to be alone again, i am awake. my boyfriend will leave because it's late and i'm tired, i will get ready for bed and just sit reading blogs and looking at recipes, happy to be at peace inside of myself again.

it's messed up. i am not normally an introvert. but at the moment, i am loving it. but i hate that i love it so.

this is it - i have had enough of being numb

Last night I felt strange. I was trying to work out what was wrong with me, what I was feeling. And then it hit me; the crushing realisation.

I wasn't feeling anything, and I haven't in a long time.

My life used to be filled with such bright, sharp colours, which have all now faded into fuzzy greys. They are suffocating me.

The only thing that occasionally breaks through the haze is sadness. Never happiness, or love. Just sadness. Last night my boyfriend and I had sex. I felt nothing. I wanted to cry, because I wanted to feel. But I didn't. My heart used to swell with love for him. Maybe it still does, I just cannot feel it. My libido has definitely run away with my weight. I am not happy.

This morning there was a breakthrough. But not a happy one. I was applying my foundation over the hideous dark circles that dance around my eyes, and a wave of pain suddenly overcome me. Emotional pain. All of a sudden I was drowning in tears and had to curl up in a ball on the floor. I stayed there for an unknown amount of time, and when I finally stood up again to face the mirror, it nearly happened all over again.

Staring back at me was a girl that I hoped that I would never see again. She is not the real me. She is empty.

I think it is happening again.

I haven't felt like this since I was 16. I am starting to feel like I did when I had depression.

But this time it is worse. It is worse because I know that I brought it on myself. For some reason, I chose to lose the weight, and now it has broken me, physically and mentally. My clothes don't fit me any more - I hate the way they look so baggy. I don't have the money to buy a whole new wardrobe, and I don't want to - I like my clothes. I have no energy, no sex drive. No motivation to do anything than count calories.

The last time that I felt truly happy was when I reached my goal weight of 112. That was about a month ago. That was 6 pounds ago.

I just wanted to lose a few pounds. probably not even that - just a couple, and to tone up more.

But I've gotten in too deep. I have lost more than a couple of pounds, and I have no energy for toning, so I am just as wobbly as before. And I have only myself to blame.

I have had enough of feeling numb, empty, cold.

I am getting back up. I am at the bottom, but I am not going to stay here. I did it before and I will do it again. I will banish the sad girl in the mirror and find myself again.