fuck

or maybe not. my sex drive is gone. completely; not a spark.

i tried, but i felt bored, then it just hurt, then i cried. luckily he didn't notice. and it's not his fault. it's all me.

numb ...

and i had a diet irn bru earlier that has given me massive cravings and headaches. you can taste the sweetener shit in it. diet coke doesn't do this to me, why didn't i just stick to good old diet coke? that stuff never lets me down.

not happy.

fuuuuuuuck.

soooo tired (but i just dont want to eat!)

i literally have no energy whatsoever, honestly, it's a struggle to even roll over in bed to get up :(
i know it's because i'm not eating enough, and i know i need to be eating more to maintain ... but i just don't want to.

i don't even feel hungry any more - just exhausted. i fill up on coffee, but that doesn't seem to do much.

i just don't know when to start eating "normal" again. i still feel guilty from the weekend, and over the next couple of weeks there will be a lot of eating and drinking as its my birthday. and birthday cake. urrrghhh.

i don't like being back at home and having so little control over dinner- i need to ask mum if i can cook some more. i don't like that she doesn't weigh stuff out, and always ends up with too much so the portions are massive. and she always uses too much oil - its unnecessary!! i spent a whole academic year at uni without even buying oil - we have fry lite spray - its genius!

suppose i should get up and try and eat some porridge. i know its not that bad for you, but its so high in calories in such a small portion! but also high in energy - which i definitely need anyway, despite all the cleaning and laundry and stuff i have to do.



mehhhhhh


(later)

oooh, the scales said 107!! that's lower that what i was before that baaaad weekend. happy happy happy :)
still don't want to eat though! haha. i may have some extra grapes to celebrate :)