three years

yesterday my boyfriend and i celebrated our third year "anniversary". i suppose i can call it that - obviously we're not married, but what else could you call it?

i can't believe how long it's been, or how quickly it's gone.

and how much we have changed.

the day was perfect - even though the weather was temperamental. he took me to see harry potter on Friday - i count that as part of my present :) it was so good, can't believe it's over. Saturday we had a nice lazy day in bed then went out to the pub in the evening for a friends birthday. yesterday he drove me 100 miles to Plymouth because he knows how much i like it there ( it was my second choice uni ) and because he wanted to take me to this restaurant that sold really good lobster. unfortunately, as they only serve fresh lobster, there wasn't any, but i still had this gorgeous meal of king prawns, scallops and monk fish cooked in a garlic, chili and ginger sauce with a side salad. it was so good. we went shopping for a little bit before, i was about to pay for my items when he ambushed me and shoved his card in the machine first.

he is so sweet. i love him so, so, so much.

even now, with my numbed emotions.

in fact, i think it makes me love him more; for him to still love me, and to put up with me the way he does.

sure, we have had our ups and downs, and have both considered the end at some point, but i think that neither of us can contemplate a life without each other. we are each other. he is my world.

my world that has recently suffered from a meteor crash of disordered eating. he hasn't seen the damage directly, but i am sure that he has felt the vibrations. he doesn't deserve what i am putting him through without him even knowing- does he deserve me?

no - he doesn't deserve me when i am like this. but i will change. i will not let him see the damage i have caused. i will build a wall around it to protect him from it, and let nature heal it. over time the ugly, brown scar in the face of my world will start to grow gentle green grass and delicate meadow flowers. it will disguise it and will seem as if everything will be back to normal. the damage will still be there, but it will not bother us.

my dopamine soothed brain is happier today

SONNET 116 <3

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
   If this be error and upon me proved,
   I never writ, nor no man ever loved. 

he still loves me, even though i have changed. he is so wonderful to. even though i have been so short with him recently - he noticed my behaviour's changed. i was just so tired last week so was easily annoyed. no energy to be happy, no libido to make him happy.


he apologised to me that we haven't been having much sex lately. he gets tired too - but tends to just fall asleep rather than get irritable. i felt so bad. even in a half asleep state he would be up for it if i initiated it. but i am never in the mood.


i wasn't last night, but he was. "uurgh, okay then, just get on with it" i thought. he felt like a stranger in my arms. to begin with my body gave none of its normal reactions - i felt almost bored. it was horrible, i felt so guilty. but then things started happening as they should, and it was though i could feel the release of dopamine and serotonin pierce their way through and wash over my numbed mind and body. and when we reached the climax, the wave of happiness and love that came over me was so strong that i shed a tear or two (luckily it was dark so he didn't notice, haha.)


he is so good, i don't deserve him. putting up with all my crap just to carry on loving me.

Change.

This is one thing that I can safely say I fear, hate and aviod.
Sure, sure; i'm up for trying new things- how can life be fun without a little experimentation, a little adaptation and unknown?And if these new things turn out to be a good thing; something that can be experienced by all those who matter in my life collectively, then change in this aspect is bearable. I can accept, cherish sometimes, when something changes, and everything or everyone that matters changes with it.

But when one idividual thing changes and everything else stays the same; that's when I start to panic.

She used to be so fun. There was never a dull moment when she was around. Everyone wanted to be her (or to be with her). I envied her for her beauty, her wit, her sharp mind. And most of all i envied her for how strong she was. Nothing bothered her; anything that could easily damage the confidence of a lesser being such as myself promptly bounced off her. She had no worries about guys - everyone wanted her, so she could deal with wanting no one.

I suppose love affects people in different ways, but I have never thought that it could replace a whole person (even if it is love- how can she tell from never have being in a relationship before? I know all too well myself how you can be decieved by "love". Especially the first time.) I don't know how, I just know that my best friend has changed - she has been replaced.

He is like a disease on her mind, all consuming, rotting her personality. 5 months seems a pretty short time to decide that you will dedicate your life and soul to one person. She doesn't socialise any more - talking to him on Skype is far more important. I know more people in her flat than she does. She's immobilised when away from him - she was physically homesick from him after two days.

Perhaps I am being too harsh, too judgemental. But I don't like the person that she has become in to; and it appears that that person doesn't like me either. Perhaps it is my fault, but she hasn't spoken to me in over a week- nearly two, because I got way too drunk and forgot to text her when I was going to the Student Union (which is on campus and a 30 second walk from her flat.)

I feel guilty now, I have tried to help her, but she sees no sense. She is always in a bad mood because she spends too much time alone thinking about how much she misses him. She told me that she feels better when she is around other people so that they can distract her. Seems like a simple solution really, but no. It appears that she relies on me to go out with because she has no other friends, but she can't go out anyway because she has no money, despite living in the cheapest accomadation possible. She has no money because she spends it on going home almost every weekend, and buying him a car for him to come up the weekends she doesn't go down ... incase it snows and he can't use the motorbike. And buying him an array of other expensivve christmas presents.

Oh, and she's saving up for a tattoo. One dedicated to him. On her wrist. And she wants to become a doctor. That is, if she doesn't quit so that she can go live off benifits with him.

I don't like change, especially when it steals people from me. Or am I being too harsh? I suppose everyone has to go crazy in love at some point. I just hope she realises before it becomes too late and she ruins her life.