Scars.

My kitten scratched me. She is very playful, and she accidentally scratched me while I was playing with her. A deep scratch. On my left wrist.

My mum saw it happen, heard me exclaim "Ow!!" and asked if she had scratched me. I pulled back my sleeve and looked at the long, bright, glistening, strawberry score going down my arm.

I almost burst out laughing when I saw it because it directly intercepts a long, horizontal, white, ridged scar. One of many. One of many that I have given myself. It seemed ironically funny to me that I complained that that little scratch hurt, when there before me was clear evidence of a much deeper, longer, more painful cut that I had inflicted upon myself.

I'm not sure if my Mum saw that it cut through the scar - maybe I only noticed it because I know exactly where they all are and what they look like. However - she has never mentioned the scars to me before. I think she just doesn't want to bring that horrible time up. It's not like I hide them anymore, but no one seems to mention them. RG did once, but after my reaction, never did again. I saw my Dad staring at them when my bare arm was forced in front of his face on the tube when we went to London. I quickly moved it. But he didn't say anything.

I saw E for the first time since March yesterday. She pulled a worried face and said I looked too thin. She left it at that - no probing. I liked it. Later than night I went to the pub wearing skinny leggings and a T-shirt. No one said anything. I wanted them to notice. Maybe they did; but no one said anything. I hated that they didn't, but more than that, I hated that I cared that they didn't tell me how thin I am. Even though if they had, I would have been scared that they wouldn't drop the topic.

I remember well the first day that I didn't wear arm "warmers" to cover my arms, and I bared my scars to the world. It had began as a fashion statement for me I suppose, wearing the arm warmers (I was kind of "gothy"/"emo"). I would make them out of stripy knee high socks or footless tights, so that they would be long enough to cover 3/4 of my entire arm. I was never seen without them. They became useful when I began cutting. I was afraid that they would think it strange that I wore them in summer, but I had been wearing them for so long that it wasn't that big a deal. And I had made a thinner summer pair out of fishnet tights.

Then one day - a year or so after I stopped cutting - I decided that perhaps the ugly, purple stains, ridges and grooves had faded enough to white that I could perhaps not cover them. It was a very hot day, and I was growing out of my "emo" phase - the arm warmers didn't look right with my new wardrobe. So I didn't wear them. I was nervous, but kind of excited. What would people say when they noticed?

But they didn't.

I don't know if they didn't notice, or just didn't want to say anything. Maybe they already knew. I don't know.

It was a weird feeling. People must have seen them. They must guess what I did to myself.

It made me wonder. Those scars - that I gave myself - reflect a self destructive side of me. And I am doing exactly the same to myself right now, but in a way that could produce less obvious scars; a thin body can be covered up, pale faces can be painted, flaky skin can be moisturised, dry hair can be cut and dyed. But essentially it is the same. And are these scars more dangerous? I probably have much scarier scars inside of me - my bones and organs. Why am I so self destructive? For attention? I don't think so. I don't know.


It's like I am choosing to be unhappy.




I think that, for now, this is goodbye.




  

thank you

I just wanted to say a quick thank you for all your lovely comments and support lately - you girls are great :)

a few life updates - I have managed to not use my calorie calculator for about a week. I thought it would drive me crazy not meticulously calculating and recording every single calorie, but in fact it's kind of nice to get out of that habit. However, it's probably not such a good thing on the maintaining wise side of things - I am still counting, but it's involving more estimating, and counting roughly in my head, and I am probably eating even less than before :/

Weight - 96 lb.

My mother is now off work for the summer (she is a chef in a kitchen that supplies schools, so gets their cushty holidays!) I was a bit worried that she might be more controlling over food (eg - offer to make me a sandwich and act odd when I turn it down) but she leaves that completely up to me which is nice - she probably realises I'm used to it now in a uni girl and my eating habits are all different anyways now.

And my brother has gone to work on my grandparents farm for the summer to help with the harvest and stuff. Which is extra nice - peace and quiet! He has been being such a dick lately - probably puberty and a lack of male company, so I think it will do everyone good. It also means that I can do a lot more cooking for dinner with out him throwing a massive tantrum when I try something new because "It's not normal!" And also means the house isn't filled with junk food, and I won't feel weird being the only one having salad instead of chips with dinner (my mum usually gives in if she's cooking my brother chips. I think she's quite glad I'm a salad girl as I'm pretty sure she wants to lose weight.)

I feel so bad for my poor boyfriend - I was in such a bad mood last night. I was really busy all day, so (sort of accidentally) ate really little - one of those kids cereal selection sized box of Rice Krispies (77) with the teeniest amount of milk - dunno how much. I don't really like milk on my cereal haha. Then about half an apple, and for dinner, some iceberg and cucumber salad with a teeney grilled salmon fillet and a teaspoon of cottage cheese. Physically I was feeling fine, but was a bit grumpy. I had two Thorntons chocolates in the evening to give myself a bit of a pick up when my boyfriend came, but it didn't work. I'm not sure how much the chocolates were - the box says each one has approximately 63 calories, but one of them was a turkish delight, and I know they have less, and a lot less fat. I dunno overall calorie total, but it's less than I need to maintain, I know that!

So, maybe it was because I was tired, hadn't eaten enough and my hormones are all messed up from missing the pill and my period being due, but I was in the weirdest mood. So touchy, and annoyed by the smallest thing. Literally - I got pissed off because he was breathing loudly. Then I got pissed off at myself for being pissed off at him for the stupidest reason. I'm so sorry for him - he looked so confused.

I don't know why he puts up with me.

Memories of Italy cheer me up <3

three years

yesterday my boyfriend and i celebrated our third year "anniversary". i suppose i can call it that - obviously we're not married, but what else could you call it?

i can't believe how long it's been, or how quickly it's gone.

and how much we have changed.

the day was perfect - even though the weather was temperamental. he took me to see harry potter on Friday - i count that as part of my present :) it was so good, can't believe it's over. Saturday we had a nice lazy day in bed then went out to the pub in the evening for a friends birthday. yesterday he drove me 100 miles to Plymouth because he knows how much i like it there ( it was my second choice uni ) and because he wanted to take me to this restaurant that sold really good lobster. unfortunately, as they only serve fresh lobster, there wasn't any, but i still had this gorgeous meal of king prawns, scallops and monk fish cooked in a garlic, chili and ginger sauce with a side salad. it was so good. we went shopping for a little bit before, i was about to pay for my items when he ambushed me and shoved his card in the machine first.

he is so sweet. i love him so, so, so much.

even now, with my numbed emotions.

in fact, i think it makes me love him more; for him to still love me, and to put up with me the way he does.

sure, we have had our ups and downs, and have both considered the end at some point, but i think that neither of us can contemplate a life without each other. we are each other. he is my world.

my world that has recently suffered from a meteor crash of disordered eating. he hasn't seen the damage directly, but i am sure that he has felt the vibrations. he doesn't deserve what i am putting him through without him even knowing- does he deserve me?

no - he doesn't deserve me when i am like this. but i will change. i will not let him see the damage i have caused. i will build a wall around it to protect him from it, and let nature heal it. over time the ugly, brown scar in the face of my world will start to grow gentle green grass and delicate meadow flowers. it will disguise it and will seem as if everything will be back to normal. the damage will still be there, but it will not bother us.

an amazing discovery

http://www.danoneshape.com/products/show/zero/apple-crumble

i love them!

fancy an apple crumble? those words sound scary, but this sooo isn't - a virtually fat free dessert yogurt with 85 cals - sooo thick and creamy :) there's no actual crumble in it, but somehow it tastes of crumble! and has nice chunks of apple in it. nom nom nom :)

okay, theres tonnes of sugar - but you can taste it in a way that will 100% satisfy - i deffo recommend. i also want to try the fuller for longer ones too (I'm not sure if all shape yogurts do that, or just the special ones)

as for the rest of the day food wise - i feel like I've eaten loads - i have, but mainly fruit, and a tonne of stir "fried" veg (i didn't use any oil) and tofu for dinner. i set myself the goal of attempting to reach 1600 calories today, as this is the amount i apparently need to maintain. it seems impossible. it is impossible. I've eaten about 800 according to my calorie calculator, and i know I've eaten less than i actually put in on several items. so that's a fail. i cant eat anymore! and i don't want to increase my intake by just stuffing my face with fatty food.

this is hard.

I'm going to try not using my calorie calculator for a few days and see what happens- i think that makes me obsess too much. but i have a feeling it may make things worse, and ill just be calorie counting in my head; which will probably end up in my over estimating the amount i am actually eating.

"Advice from a caterpillar"

The Caterpillar and Alice looked at each other for some time in silence: at last the Caterpillar took the hookah out of its mouth, and addressed her in a languid sleepy voice.

“Who are you? ” said the Caterpillar. This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, “I—I hardly know, sir, just at present—at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.”

“What do you mean by that?” said the Caterpillar sternly. “Explain yourself!”

“I can’t explain myself, I’m afraid, sir,” said Alice, “because I’m not myself, you see.”

“I don’t see,” said the Caterpillar.

“I’m afraid I can’t put it more clearly,” Alice replied very politely, “for I can’t understand it myself to begin with; and being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing.”

“It isn’t,” said the Caterpillar.

“Well, perhaps you haven’t found it so yet,” said Alice; “but when you have to turn into a chrysalis—you will some day, you know—and then after that into a butterfly, I should think you’ll feel it a little queer, won’t you?”

“Not a bit,” said the Caterpillar.

“Well, perhaps your feelings may be different,” said Alice; “all I know is, it would feel very queer to me.”

“You!” said the Caterpillar contemptuously. “Who are you?”

I have considered speaking to someone. To tell them about my state of mind and body, and to ask them to help guide me back a few steps. But i cannot. How would i begin? How could i explain something to someone else, when i cannot even explain it to myself? “because I’m not myself, you see.” I have gone over conversations in my head, and no matter how i word it, it is always horrible.
"But why? How could you let this happen? You have always been skinny. You don't need to lose weight. It's stupid, and ridiculous, and selfish and vain and now you have burdened us with your silly, petty troubles, and we don't want them and we don't like you anymore!!"

No - it is too much to tell someone else. Maybe i will wait until i can sort things out myself a bit first. I feel that (to others) the smaller the number i present them with, the more it will hurt. I have maintained 99 pounds for the last few days, and i have been slowly working old foods previously banned back into my life. Although, i still haven't gone over 800 calories, even with the 10g of cheese and 1/4 teaspoon of nutella. I will get there on my own - after all, butterflies do.

First, however, she waited for a few minutes to see if she was going to shrink any further: she felt a little nervous about this; “for it might end, you know,” said Alice to herself, “in my going out altogether, like a candle. I wonder what I should be like then?” And she tried to fancy what the flame of a candle is like after it is blown out, for she could not remember ever having seen such a thing.

"a free ride when you've already paid"

firstly - thank you all for your lovely comments on my last post. they made me smile and feel good about myself - something which hasn't happened in ages. you guys rock :) i feel so lucky to "know" you.

now: onto my title.

a couple of things have happened in the last week or so that, if they had come a month or so earlier - i would have loved - but now i don't really need them. to begin with - i don't get hungry any more. or i  don't recognise it. the smallest thing can fill me up. i also hardly ever have cravings, and i just don't want food. this would have been perfect when i was restricting - but now i need to maintain - even (could i possibly?!) gain a couple of pounds. today i am definitely feeling the effects of my diet - i do not feel well.

i had to force myself to eat something for breakfast more than a quarter grapefruit. i managed to eat two go ahead yogurt slices and even a mini mr kipling choc chip cake. i had to stuff them in my mouth though, and i felt - and feel - so sick. i know that i could have chosen a healthier breakfast but i thought i would challenge myself - a mr kipling cake bar would have been gone in seconds a year ago, but no... just under 350 calories. i suppose to other people that's normal. to me - it's loads..

secondly - i have my job back at tesco for the summer. and the hours i am contracted are perfect for fasting. saturday 4.00 till 9.00, sunday 1.00 till 4.15 and any overtime i can get. so far the overtime (and my contracted hours) run over "normal" dinner and lunch times. again - a month or so this would have been a blessing. i could tell my mum that i didn't need dinner because i had/will have something at work. and working distracts me from being hungry - despite being surrounded by food - it doesn't make me want to eat it.

i had a wander around on my break to see if i could tempt myself with what i would have eaten a year ago.

• past the bakery section - absolutely not
• sweets and chocolate? don't be silly
• the crisp aisle - maybe some snack-a-jacks? nope.
• fridges - all that pasta and processed meat? yuck
• the "food on the go" section. i picked up some sushi. then put it down.
• the fruit and veg aisle. that's more like it. i'll have an apple. a small one.

luckily the canteen was empty.

i've done all the work - but now i get all these helping hands. but i need to stop! i don't feel good.

i love london

i always have, even before i had ever been there i wanted to go, and wanted to live there when i grew up. i thought perhaps that the novelty of the capital would wear off after a few time of going, but it hasn't, its just got stronger!!

i went there on Monday with my dad who had a hospital appointment in the pain clinic of this hospital. i think i may apply there for my psychology placement year.

we went shopping after <3

i still love, love, love it!!

the people, the places, the buildings, the atmosphere. even the tube :)
and the sun was shining (everything is better in the sun!) it was the perfect heat for me (i.e. very hot)

i knew i wanted to live there before, but now i cant wait!! although my boyfriend told me today that he doesn't want to move there :( however - he has never been there so he may change his mind :)

on a slightly more down note - my dad was being weird about food. I've said before that he's not used to my eating habits, one; because he doesn't live with me and two; because he eats loads himself.

when i got in the car, one of the first things he asked was if i had had breakfast. i lied and said yes. he stopped off for fuel and was almost confused when i said i didn't want any sweets or chocolate - (it was about 8am!). i bought a large apple with me and made a point of eating it in front of him and telling him it had filled me up.

he then went into a cafe and had a fry up (uuurgh) and acted weird when i said i didn't want anything, i wasn't hungry yet - especially if we were gonna get street food from Camden.

he made a couple of comments about me being too skinny, and the worst - "you keep on talking about food - it's starting to worry me." wtf?!

we got a small carton of mixed Chinese food for lunch - noodles, a few bits of random fried chicken, a spoonful of sweet and sour chicken, spoonful of chicken in black bean sauce and some weird fried crab stick thing that was meant to be a prawn with veg. i was wanting him to eat half, but he said he wasn't hungry, even though it was a while since he ate. i think he was trying to make me eat it all. but he ate some anyways - i said i didn't like the fried chicken things after i nibbled a bit, and i left a lot of the noodles and the sauce at the bottom.

we did a lot of walking and stair climbing that day, so i think i would have burned a lot of it off.

but he kept on asking me (especially on the drive home) if i was hungry. how could i not be hungry? we could stop off somewhere if i was hungry? was i sure?

uurgh!! i had to point out after he said "all you've had is toast, an apple and half a Chinese, how are you not hungry?" that he hadn't eaten since his fried "breakfast" at lunch time several hours ago. that soon shut him up. he didn't stop at services on the way home though (thank god) because he wanted to get home more than he was hungry. took me several attempts to tell him that i wasn't hungry, and even if i was i didn't want a burger king or KFC.

uurghhh. hope he doesn't carry on like this!

on the plus side - i didn't gain anything after that Chinese - in fact, was 105 the day after, even with my period :)

sleepy and slightly hungover ...

yet the first thing i do, as usual, is:

• go to the loo
• get naked
• weigh myself
• get dressed
• check blogger
• check my calorie counter

same old, same old. not feeling too good right now, probably just the left over alcohol in me, and the fact that we ate reeeeeally late last night :/ it was my birthday :) had a pretty good day shopping with my mum. only had a quarter cup of lucky charms in the morning, and a small slice of cake in the evening, which I'm hoping i burned off  shopping.
(something good (and bad) - i kept on seeing my reflection and thinking that i looked skinny :) (i was wearing these tight leggings). and i tried on these size 6 shorts, and they were too big! a bit scary but nice! i didn't get them because i thought my mum might say something. so i got these other nicer ones - size 8 but with this cute belt so they dont look too big :) )

my boyfriend had a bad day at work, so had to push back out dinner reservation till nine. i hadn't even been hungry all day, and that seemed ridiculously late, but i had been looking forward to trying this new Nepalese restaurant for so long, so i didn't mind.
although, because it was so late i had to make out that i was starving, because he was, so we got starters as well as main. i had this spicy prawn thing, which i didn't really like as they weren't king prawns (only the fancy ones for me, haha!) so i managed to get him to eat most of it. there was, i dunno - a cup of prawns there? (I'm rubbish at guessing and English so this cup thing is something I'm trying to learn as a lot of things on my calorie counter are measured in cups. it's also easier to guess cup sizes than grams if you don't know how much it is!!)

his starter was amazing. i was considering getting it, but didn't for some reason. it was charcoal grilled lamb (the lamb bit being probably why i didn't get it!) with these amazing spiced onions. i managed to get away with mainly eating the onions :)

for main i had special mixed chowmein "Gurkha Style" was pretty yummy :) of course, i spent half the time trying to guess the calories (sigh). it looked like a massive portion, but the plates weren't that big, so i think it was about a standard serving of fine egg noodles, like the do the sharwoods ones, which is about 250 cals. so i guessed around 500 for the whole meal, just in case. probably way off haha!

my boyfriend had this king prawn curry, with sag aloo and egg fried rice. for some reason i tried it a few times, even though the first time i didn't really like it. suppose it was a "let me try again, just to make sure!" but no, it tasted waaaay to creamy and heavy, like i could literally taste the cream.

and we shared a bottle of red wine. i probably had more - i just wanted one glass but he insisted!!

then he gave me my presents :) these CD's i wanted, a DKNY watch (which must have been pretty expensive as i already have one - not sure why he bought me a new one, bless him, but its lush!). aaand ... the biggest box of Thornton's chocolates, dark classic collection with all of my favorites and not one single one that i don't like.

oooh, he knows me too well. well, the old me. he doesn't know how much the new me is going to obsess over those chocolates! i had three last night, they were soooo good, and it was so hard for me not to have more - but they're approximately 65 calories each, and there's 50 of them! 3250 calories in the box - if the estimated calories is right!!

so I've made some rules:

• keep the box downstairs, preferably out of sight.
• only allowed three a week at the end of a week if its been good.
• be generous - try and get others to eat as many as possible!

i feel a bit bad about the last one, but if i make sure my boyfriend gets loads, that's fine :)


soooooo ... (long post!) the scales just said 107. 1 pound up from yesterday, but its not too bad with my really late dinner, should go down tomorrow. bit worried about this weekend - going to the grandparents on Sunday as usual. i bet she will do a roast again. i bet it will be lamb :/ then going to London (YAY) with my dad on Monday. we're going really early as he has a hospital appointment at half ten, so i can pretend i ate before we left, maybe take some fruit for when he suggests a drive through. he doesn't live with me so isn't used to my eating habits, but never has been - he would be amazed when we went to stay with him that i would have one piece of toast for breakfast or one small bowl of cereal.

anyways - that's going to be another piggy day, as the street food stands at Camden market are amazing, and always give out free samples which are hard to resist. *cries inside*

however - one ray of hope ... when i weighed myself yesterday 4 days after pigging out 150% all weekend - i was back to 106! i was amazed - sooo happy! nice little birthday present to myself :) still haven't decided on my goal weight yet, but i think i'll wait till next week till all the food calms down a bit. but then there will be the Sunday after that, and another one of my grans delicious calorie laden meals, which  i cant help but compensate for after. :/ maybe i should just let Sunday be my day off. maybe ...

uugrgh, i need to go running - havent in ages!

anyways (if you managed to get through all my ramblings!) hope everyone is good, and I'm gonna go now before i bore you anymore! :)

cake dilemma!

in times gone by i have been satisfied by just having a smell of the thing i was craving. i thought that would be okay today with my birthday cake, but no, i wanted a bit. so i cut myself the smallest slither (which was pretty hard seeing how big it is!) and pigged out on that. but i reckon it was only about 50 calories - couldn't have been more than a biscuit.

but then i wanted more, so i got the rest of a slice and stuffed it in my mouth. it felt so good, but i felt so guilty. i think i swallowed another mouthful, then remembered how well chewing and spitting out worked, so i did that with the rest. sure, it doesn't look very nice, but if you hide it in a tissue and flush it away immediately, its fine :) i felt so proud of myself haha! i got the yumminess of the cake, without the calories. however, I'm annoyed because i don't know how much i did swallow. it wasn't that much, but I'm going to say 100-150 calories, just in case.

i don't feel that bad about it actually :) annoyed because i should have just saved it for my birthday (i can't let my "excuse" stretch out any more - I've already pigged out on 2 days in honour of my birthday!) but i spent 10 minutes doing step ups on the bottom of the stairs, so that's got to have burned a bit. doesn't seem like much but its the most I've done lately! will do some crunches with my rowing band later. and the rest of my intake was guuuurd :) bit of melon, about 60ml skimmed milk, salad, 1.5 frankfurters, a bit of polenta and reduced salt and sugar ketchup. so that's about 350 - minus the cake :) not sure if it's because I'm still slightly pretending to be ill, but my mum seems to have accepted i'm eating "healthier" so doesn't question that i have polenta when they have chips, and didn't bat an eyelid when i said i didn't want my hot dogs in a roll. yay :)

also - happy birthday Courtney :) hope you have a great day and enjoy giving yourself some freedom with your restaurant dinner :) <3

warning: explicit content

i really hope that the following photos don't cause any cravings / binges, i just wanted to show you guys what i was up against!!

sooo, Saturday evening was my party. i was going to try and fast all day, but that didn't happen - had chocolate raisins for breakfast and sampled some cheese, onion and apple pastry rolls and some pasta when we were setting up.

sooo, i honestly think i ate about a minimum of 6000 calories that night, the food was just so good, and even though i was feeling sick i couldn't stop myself from eating. i have literally never felt to sick in my life! it was so painful. and it had absolutely nothing to do with alcohol, it was purely the food because i am such a piggy. and i still couldn't make myself sick!! even though i was drunk! what is up with that?!

so i eventually reached my absolute limit and stopped eating (after loads of pasta, rice, sausage rolls, crisps, pizza, chicken, coronation chicken, sausages, veggie pastry things, brownies, cheesecake, cupcakes, and about 5 slices of millionaires shortbread. and probably other stuff!)

the next day i was still feeling soooo sick and ill so i "didn't have breakfast" but was nibbling on sausage rolls, crisps and brownies. then we had a roast dinner - i had a teeney one, which i felt was okay, but then had double helping of chocolate fondant pudding, and ate a load of leftover roast potatoes that were left on the table later in the day and a "little" slice of birthday cake. i have no idea how i managed to fit all that food in me!

so its nearly 4 the next day (Monday) and i have not been hungry all day, still been feeling a little sick, so haven't eaten anything, yay (i suppose). my mum knows I've been feeling sick, and i was like sort of retching all day yesterday, so she's just gonna do a chicken salad tonight. hopefully ill be able to play up the sick card as much as possible and leave some or get her to give me a tiny amount of chicken.

i feel really guilty, i am such a fatty. apparently I've put on 4 pounds (so am 110), but I'm not going to say that's a definitive weight yet - last night it said i put on half a stone but that was still because I've had loads of food in me, and well ... I've been visiting the toilet loads, so it may go down again tomorrow!
110 was a weight i was thinking of reaching, but not over 2 days!! that's why i feel so guilty about it, but it may go down tomorrow (hopefully!)

i was definitely in a "its my party so i am allowed to binge!" mindset, but i wont allow myself to carry it on at all! my mum has the day off on Thursday which is my birthday, so i may have to cut myself some more slack there, but i will try as hard as possible to keep my intake down low in the day, as my boyfriend is taking me out to dinner that  night, so that will be a tonne of calories too. and ill allow myself a "small" slice of birthday cake (its impossible to get a small slice with this cake!!)

These are the worst offenders - home made millionaires shortbread - she may have just served up crack cocaine! i guess about 500 calories a square? and a pound gained with each one!

trying to go backwards to go forwards

Thank you Courtney and Camille for your comments on my last post. Your concern means a lot to me. I love how, in this secret world, we can find support from strangers who feel like lifelong friends.

yesterday was better. it was sunny, I sat in the garden all day reading "Eclipse". it was a soul warming day, but in the evening when my boyfriend came round my mood had dropped a bit. I was trying to work up the courage to ask him what he honestly thought about my weight, but i couldn’t.

"what's up?"
*standard, programmed answer* "nah, it’s nothing, I’m just tired."

*inside answer* "I honestly have no idea, but I know that I’m not happy. it’s nothing that you have done, it’s what I’ve done to myself. I’m probably so depressed because I haven’t been getting enough nutrients because I haven’t been eating enough. I don’t know why I haven’t, but one day i decided to drop a couple of pounds - i don't know why - and i didn't stop. but i don't feel better. my clothes are too baggy and i am tired and grumpy all of the time. i am obsessed with counting calories, and i am tired of it. sorry, we cant have a proper conversation because i am trying to work out how many calories will be in tomorrows dinner, so i can work out what i should eat during the day. i know that i need to be eating more to maintain my weight, but i don't know how. there are lots of chocolates and biscuits in the house, but i don't want to do it that way. i suppose i could start small - semi skimmed milk. start using margarine again. using 2 slices of bread in a sandwich, not one. it's just, I've gotten into bad habits and they are hard to break. and this is too much mess for me to burden you with. i got myself into it, and i will get myself out, i don't want to worry you about my silly troubles. we are in love, and i don't want to introduce you into the secret food world in my head, because i think you will be scared. you don't belong in it - its not the real world, its just in my head, and i don't want to risk losing you by introducing you to it for no reason. I'm so sorry, i haven't been  myself recently, but i will be back soon. i love you too much to leave."

today i woke up gloomy, and the weather mirrored it. guhhh, looks like its going to rain for my party too, boo. will just have to get so drunk that i don't notice :) but not as bad as on my 18th when i passed out in a field and everyone thought i was dead. (poor them, i was oblivious and thought i was only gone 5 minutes! i had a great night haha). anyways, its later on in the day and i don't feel so bad. so that's good.

i was going to not blog for a while, but it feels weird not to. i think what i need to do is not use my calorie counter for a while, but that is even harder.

i was going to upload a picture of myself, but i don't think that would help. both positive and negative comments would probably cause me conflict.

i have to go backwards now. i need to increase my intake, and gain a couple of pounds to try and get my life back. but after going in one direction for so long and for so fast, its hard to go backwards, but i suppose it will take time. like a ship being put in reverse; its not going to happen straight away.

reward

sooo, i was thinking the other day that i was annoyed that nobody had noticed (or mentioned) that i had lost weight. i mean I've lost about 8 pounds in a month. but i suppose that i didn't start from that high a weight, and i haven't bought any smaller clothes, so they could just be hiding it ...

anyways, i saw my dad yesterday for the first time in a couple of weeks (my parents are divorced so i only see my dad for a few hours on friday when I'm back from uni). anyways, he gave me a hug and said:

"you've lost weight, haven't you?"
me- "i dunno"
him- "you're too skinny"
me - "haha no i'm not." *change subject*

too skinny? no. but thank you for noticing that i have lost weight, i put a lot of effort into it! :)
anyways, we went to a newsagents and he asked if i wanted anything. i felt i would reward myself for someone noticing, so i got some fruit jellies. thought it would be okay - pretty much no fat, just sugar. and they were bloody sugary!! i had 6 nommy sweets, but kinda regretted it when i put them into my calorie tracker - 180 cals!

but at least it wasn't chocolate :) and I'm planning on eating reeeeally well today too. we're making falafel, which is pretty low cal even when you shallow fry them. and i can just stuff the pitta bread full of salad to make my dinner seem huge. then ill eat lots of fruit. i'll be eating loads physically, but not calorifically :)

thank you guys for the comments - they make me feel gooood :)
hope everyone is well! :)

not sure why- just because :)

soooo tired (but i just dont want to eat!)

i literally have no energy whatsoever, honestly, it's a struggle to even roll over in bed to get up :(
i know it's because i'm not eating enough, and i know i need to be eating more to maintain ... but i just don't want to.

i don't even feel hungry any more - just exhausted. i fill up on coffee, but that doesn't seem to do much.

i just don't know when to start eating "normal" again. i still feel guilty from the weekend, and over the next couple of weeks there will be a lot of eating and drinking as its my birthday. and birthday cake. urrrghhh.

i don't like being back at home and having so little control over dinner- i need to ask mum if i can cook some more. i don't like that she doesn't weigh stuff out, and always ends up with too much so the portions are massive. and she always uses too much oil - its unnecessary!! i spent a whole academic year at uni without even buying oil - we have fry lite spray - its genius!

suppose i should get up and try and eat some porridge. i know its not that bad for you, but its so high in calories in such a small portion! but also high in energy - which i definitely need anyway, despite all the cleaning and laundry and stuff i have to do.



mehhhhhh


(later)

oooh, the scales said 107!! that's lower that what i was before that baaaad weekend. happy happy happy :)
still don't want to eat though! haha. i may have some extra grapes to celebrate :)

i haven't ballooned (yet!)

so, it's Wednesday and the scales said 108.5 which I'm pretty happy about after that fatty weekend. still a bit worried that I'm gonna wake up and will have gained the exact amount of weight of the food i ate (i know that's not going to happen but I'm still expecting to balloon sometime soon!)

yesterday was good :) slept in again, so all i ate was a small portion of my mum's homemade risotto. she makes it with stock instead of cream because she knows i don't like creamy sauces, and she gave me a small portion without even asking. i suppose she thought i still might be feeling a bit sick from the weekend. so yeah, that would have been pretty low fat i think (maybe she used a bit of flora), so I'm not too worried about that.

what i am worried about is whats sitting in the cupboard 2 feet away from me. me and my mum went food shopping yesterday, and i pointed out how nice the maple pecan plaits looked, and that they were on offer (i like to go round pointing out the really "naughty" things then walk away from them!) she offered to get them, but i said no. but then she was talking about getting chocolate eclairs instead, so i panicked and asked for the pecan plaits instead, the thought of all that cream, uurrgh. which was probably a big mistake, seeing as pastry is packed with fat!! and the eclairs had 150 cals each, while the plaits have about 380 (!!!!!!) according to this online calorie counter. the eclairs have 26% of your satfat, but so does about half a pecan plait. I'm such an idiot!

and i have my birthday party in a couple of weeks, and my birthday the week after, so there's going to be a tonne of food then. uurggh. I'm tempted to throw away my plait and made it look like i ate it, but i would feel bad :( i may cut it into three bits and spread it out over the week - hopefully no one will notice!



i literally just sat and looked at them for about ten minutes. i was tempted to open it, cut it into tiny pieces, put them in a lunch box and hide them in my room. but as i went to, i caught a whiff of them and they smelt amazing, i could almost taste them! so i don't trust myself to open them while there is nobody else around!


aarghh, help! i shall have to make sure that my mum and boyfriend eat one each tonight, so that there is less temptation for me!!

eww my god

there is a fat girl inside me, that i don't ever want to release again, because she is ugly and i hate her.

soo, i was really pleased with how little i was eating when i was drinking - i didn't even want to because the drink filled me up.
but then we made weed brownies. i have never been so high in my life, we probably had about 4 times more than we actually needed to get high - so we were super high ... for about 24 hours. i think each of us at some point thought we were going to pass out and never wake up.

unfortunately, we had a smoke while waiting for the brownies to cook, so i had the munchies by the time they were ready. we were gonna have a teeney bit then see how strong they were, but i ate mine in one go. woops. i felt sick enough already but then just carried on eating nuts and popcorn. i could feel myself being about to be sick, but fatty just carried on going.

then the next day i was still pretty high, so ate a load then. it wouldn't have been so bad if it weren't for the chips, sweets, nutella and peanut butter. uuurgh.

so today i was gonna try and fast, or cup a soup at the most. it was going well as i slept in till 5 (and still feel like crap). and i was just going to have a bit of salad, but then miss fatty decided that (even though she still felt disgustingly sick) that she wanted nutella and peanut butter. fat pig!! i thought i had put her back in her box, but she's stronger than i thought, especially in my sleep-deprived-probably-still-not-sober state.

urrghhh, i hate myself right now. will try and fast tomorrow. fatty will be locked away.

on the plus side i weighed myself this morning on the non digital scales, with pyjamas on (and horribly bloated) and it was under 112. i wonder how long the fat i eat takes to sick to my belly. i hope that number doesn't go up, or i will cry all day.

108

that's what the scales said this morning. well. originally 107.5, but then i had a drink and it went to 108 - i think it only goes up in 0.5 pounds.

which has given me a bit of hope for all the food i am about to consume this weekend- as long as i remain under 112 on Monday, i will be happy! i doubt ill gain that much though (i hope!!!!)

anyways - better get back to revising! cannot wait until 4pm, then i will be freeeee :)

but it's kinda sad that the first years over already, it feels like it's gone so quick! and it's in to the properly serious stuff next year!

hope you are all well :)

a possible blip in my plans :(

soooo, this Thursday is my last exam, and we are planning on drinking ASAP after the exam (it finishes at four, so that's acceptable:) )

i had planned what i was going to eat that day ( and apple for breakfast, a bit of tuna, boiled egg, baby leaf salad for dinner) to account for the alcohol which will fill my belly, but will also fill me with calories :( but i haven't been out in ages so its okay.

but then i found out the club we are going to are having a free rooftop BBQ for members of the "extreme BBQ" society and their friends. this is the only society i joined in freshers week (i know, haha makes me look like a sad fatty!) and i have fun at them. and it's FREE, and they're yummy, so i doubt I'll be able to resist anyways, plus people will think I'm weird going to a free BBQ and not having anything. so my plan is to allow myself a burger, and try not to eat all of it - i have plenty of friends who will hoover it up for me :) if its a quarter pounder and a big bun, it will be about 500 calories - that's about how many there is in a McDonald's one, so a BBQ one cant be more. i shall just keep thinking about supersize me and it will be okay. the rest of my days calories shouldn't be more that 170, so 670, is  okaaaaay-ish. god knows about the calories in the alcohol - it's too depressing to count those!

so the next day i will undoubtedly have a hangover - which i can use to my advantage. sleep through breakfast and be "too ill" to eat. i may get salty cravings but i find cucumber is amazing for hangovers, so i will only allow myself salad and fruit if i have to. then I'm going drinking again that night and i will try my absolute hardest not to give in to drunken cravings. not even a piece of toast!

then Saturday ... pot brownies. not only brownies, but ones that make you want more food! we had planned this before i had realised there would be a BBQ so I'm freaking out a bit. but I've been looking forward to it for so long. i will make sure i will not have unhealthy munchies - grapes and cucumber only for me, and perhaps a little plain homemade pop corn. god, i hope i can control my munchies - the brownies themselves will be about 500! will have to keep chanting that in my head.

and my boyfriend will be here this weekend, so will be noticing what i eat. uurgh.

and then I'm back home. i can control what i eat during the day when my mums at work, but then dinner time ... she cooks fairly healthy, but the portions are massive. i think i will ask to cook more then i will have more control and can dish up me sized portions. may even play a stomach bug card to get smaller portions. its not even that much of a lie, i have been feeling a bit iffy lately.

but then when she gets on holiday too (she works in a school), she'll be noticing what i eat during the day. but hopefully by then i will be at work, so i can just say i had a load to eat there.

ooooh, *worries* hope everything goes to plan and i don't slip back into my piggy old ways again. although i haven't been eating too badly. i know i said i was increasing my calories to maintain but only slowly, and I'm on about 800 a day maximum (mainly boosted up by fruits and nuts) - 660 today - so I'm still in the losing weight section. and i've gone down to 109lb.


uurgghhhh, why am i so obsessed?!

sorry about the whiny post guys - just felt i had to get it off my chest and confess my fatty weekend before it happens! i pray to the stars that my munchies don't turn into a binge!! wish me luck!

drowning

i feel that recently i have been treading water on whatever is going on in my head at the moment (there is definately something not normal). but now i am sinking and i don't have the strength to get back to the surface again.

i am so tired; emotionally, physically and psychologically drained.

i don't know whats wrong with me. i have so much revising to do. but i am so tired. i should probably be eating more to give me more energy, but i am too tired to eat. i feel sick eating the same amount as i did when i was trying to lose weight, when i would be hungry. typical. so I'm probably going to lose more weight and get even more tired.

that's another thing - I'm so tired about caring about calories and food and exercise! in front of me is a canvas print of a photo of me and my boyfriend from our holiday  to the lake district last year. we were staying in a B&B, so that morning i would have had a cooked breakfast and not cared- i was on holiday! we went on a long walk all day over the hills, mountains and around lakes, and would have had a takeaway or restaurant dinner in the evening. and i would not have cared - or even thought about calories. maybe the week after i would have eaten a little better to make up for the cooked breakfasts, but it wouldn't have the all consuming hold on me as it does now.

and the annoying thing is, i wasn't fat then - even big. i said before, i have never been 9 stone or over - i am normally 8 and a half stone or under. and i was fine. happy.

sure, all girls care about calories a little bit, but i didn't let it rule my life. i am now the size that i want to be, but it's come at such a cost. it better get better when i get home!

uurgh. PMS probably, sowwy! moan moan moan!
but i am prepared for the weepies this week, especially with exams! i watched this program last night about a guy setting up a chocolate factory and trying to promote people to eat "real" chocolate, not all the stuff we normally eat with shit loads of sugar and milk and fat in.

anyways, he scientifically proved chocolate containing 70% and more cocoa was much better for you - it boosted performance and mood. i think there was something about burning fat in there too. and because its so rich you only need a teeny amount. so i got some of that.

its also got iron in it too, which i think i need. probably being a hypochondriac, but i think i've convinced myself I've got anemia lol. and my fingernails keep going blue when I'm a teeny bit cold. which is pretty much all the time.

mehhhhhh. cant wait till exams are over in a week and i can sleep for a day. possibly two!

just watched "super size me"

oh.my.god.

i didn't think that it was possible for me to think that fast food was any worse than it was, but its happened! i feel sick, and kind of scared! its a bit like a real life horror movie, the doctor actually said his liver was turning into pate!

uuurghh. i very rarely eat mcdonalds, and it will only be when i am drunk or high, and I'm too impatient to wait until i get home to make a slice of toast (which i actually prefer to mcdonalds even when drunk!) i think the last time that i had one sober, was around Christmas, and i had a salad with no dressing. their dressings have about the same calorie and fat content as a big mac!

but after watching that, i think there will be a stamp on my memory that will break through any intoxicated haze shouting "NO!"

eww, eww, eww.

also - i thought the school dinners in the UK were bad! some of the ones they were showing in the US were atrocious! best motivation ever!!

100 calories

Red Wine	150	ml
Diet Coke (coca -cola)	25	litres
White Wine	150	ml
Baked potatoes with skins	92	g
Carrots, whole peeled raw	349	g
Baked Beans in tomato sauce	116	g
Boiled green broccoli	417	g
Fresh Satsuma’s, flesh only	188	g
Fresh blueberries raw	187	g
Fresh raspberries raw	380	g
Reduced calorie mayonnaise	35	g
Nectarines weight with stone fresh raw	278	g
Olive oil, extra virgin	12	ml
Red grapes	150	g
Medium free range eggs	70	g
Red onions, raw	273	g
Tomato ketchup	83	g
Greek Yoghurt	73	g
Light soft cheese	56	g
Reduced calorie Salad Cream	77	g