this is it - i have had enough of being numb

Last night I felt strange. I was trying to work out what was wrong with me, what I was feeling. And then it hit me; the crushing realisation.

I wasn't feeling anything, and I haven't in a long time.

My life used to be filled with such bright, sharp colours, which have all now faded into fuzzy greys. They are suffocating me.

The only thing that occasionally breaks through the haze is sadness. Never happiness, or love. Just sadness. Last night my boyfriend and I had sex. I felt nothing. I wanted to cry, because I wanted to feel. But I didn't. My heart used to swell with love for him. Maybe it still does, I just cannot feel it. My libido has definitely run away with my weight. I am not happy.

This morning there was a breakthrough. But not a happy one. I was applying my foundation over the hideous dark circles that dance around my eyes, and a wave of pain suddenly overcome me. Emotional pain. All of a sudden I was drowning in tears and had to curl up in a ball on the floor. I stayed there for an unknown amount of time, and when I finally stood up again to face the mirror, it nearly happened all over again.

Staring back at me was a girl that I hoped that I would never see again. She is not the real me. She is empty.

I think it is happening again.

I haven't felt like this since I was 16. I am starting to feel like I did when I had depression.

But this time it is worse. It is worse because I know that I brought it on myself. For some reason, I chose to lose the weight, and now it has broken me, physically and mentally. My clothes don't fit me any more - I hate the way they look so baggy. I don't have the money to buy a whole new wardrobe, and I don't want to - I like my clothes. I have no energy, no sex drive. No motivation to do anything than count calories.

The last time that I felt truly happy was when I reached my goal weight of 112. That was about a month ago. That was 6 pounds ago.

I just wanted to lose a few pounds. probably not even that - just a couple, and to tone up more.

But I've gotten in too deep. I have lost more than a couple of pounds, and I have no energy for toning, so I am just as wobbly as before. And I have only myself to blame.

I have had enough of feeling numb, empty, cold.

I am getting back up. I am at the bottom, but I am not going to stay here. I did it before and I will do it again. I will banish the sad girl in the mirror and find myself again.

drowning

i feel that recently i have been treading water on whatever is going on in my head at the moment (there is definately something not normal). but now i am sinking and i don't have the strength to get back to the surface again.

i am so tired; emotionally, physically and psychologically drained.

i don't know whats wrong with me. i have so much revising to do. but i am so tired. i should probably be eating more to give me more energy, but i am too tired to eat. i feel sick eating the same amount as i did when i was trying to lose weight, when i would be hungry. typical. so I'm probably going to lose more weight and get even more tired.

that's another thing - I'm so tired about caring about calories and food and exercise! in front of me is a canvas print of a photo of me and my boyfriend from our holiday  to the lake district last year. we were staying in a B&B, so that morning i would have had a cooked breakfast and not cared- i was on holiday! we went on a long walk all day over the hills, mountains and around lakes, and would have had a takeaway or restaurant dinner in the evening. and i would not have cared - or even thought about calories. maybe the week after i would have eaten a little better to make up for the cooked breakfasts, but it wouldn't have the all consuming hold on me as it does now.

and the annoying thing is, i wasn't fat then - even big. i said before, i have never been 9 stone or over - i am normally 8 and a half stone or under. and i was fine. happy.

sure, all girls care about calories a little bit, but i didn't let it rule my life. i am now the size that i want to be, but it's come at such a cost. it better get better when i get home!

uurgh. PMS probably, sowwy! moan moan moan!
but i am prepared for the weepies this week, especially with exams! i watched this program last night about a guy setting up a chocolate factory and trying to promote people to eat "real" chocolate, not all the stuff we normally eat with shit loads of sugar and milk and fat in.

anyways, he scientifically proved chocolate containing 70% and more cocoa was much better for you - it boosted performance and mood. i think there was something about burning fat in there too. and because its so rich you only need a teeny amount. so i got some of that.

its also got iron in it too, which i think i need. probably being a hypochondriac, but i think i've convinced myself I've got anemia lol. and my fingernails keep going blue when I'm a teeny bit cold. which is pretty much all the time.

mehhhhhh. cant wait till exams are over in a week and i can sleep for a day. possibly two!