cake dilemma!

in times gone by i have been satisfied by just having a smell of the thing i was craving. i thought that would be okay today with my birthday cake, but no, i wanted a bit. so i cut myself the smallest slither (which was pretty hard seeing how big it is!) and pigged out on that. but i reckon it was only about 50 calories - couldn't have been more than a biscuit.

but then i wanted more, so i got the rest of a slice and stuffed it in my mouth. it felt so good, but i felt so guilty. i think i swallowed another mouthful, then remembered how well chewing and spitting out worked, so i did that with the rest. sure, it doesn't look very nice, but if you hide it in a tissue and flush it away immediately, its fine :) i felt so proud of myself haha! i got the yumminess of the cake, without the calories. however, I'm annoyed because i don't know how much i did swallow. it wasn't that much, but I'm going to say 100-150 calories, just in case.

i don't feel that bad about it actually :) annoyed because i should have just saved it for my birthday (i can't let my "excuse" stretch out any more - I've already pigged out on 2 days in honour of my birthday!) but i spent 10 minutes doing step ups on the bottom of the stairs, so that's got to have burned a bit. doesn't seem like much but its the most I've done lately! will do some crunches with my rowing band later. and the rest of my intake was guuuurd :) bit of melon, about 60ml skimmed milk, salad, 1.5 frankfurters, a bit of polenta and reduced salt and sugar ketchup. so that's about 350 - minus the cake :) not sure if it's because I'm still slightly pretending to be ill, but my mum seems to have accepted i'm eating "healthier" so doesn't question that i have polenta when they have chips, and didn't bat an eyelid when i said i didn't want my hot dogs in a roll. yay :)

also - happy birthday Courtney :) hope you have a great day and enjoy giving yourself some freedom with your restaurant dinner :) <3

biggest.cake.ever!

earlier today i helped my mum bake and decorate my birthday cake. massive is not the word for it! she asked me to make an A4 template for the icing decoration because that was roughly how big the cake tin was. i thought that was pretty big, but there's a lot of people for it to feed, so okay! she borrowed the tin from work (she's a chef in a school) and oooomg. huuuge! okay, A4 sized, but i thought it was going to be about a couple of inches deep - well they are, but there are two! so it's about 6 inches high. with TEN eggs in and about THREE blocks of butter. weight watchers jam (ha!) in the middle and fondant icing on top. and a design of noddy :) the theme is children's TV characters - he was my fave :)

ooooh my, that's a big cake!

i am making sure that theres none left over after the party. keeping with the kids theme, if there's any leftover cake, everyone can be sent home with a party bag and a slice :)

that will definitely help me increase my calories! but theres no way i am not going to restrict for a few days after my party, there is going to be sooo much food and i will feel so guilty - my grans cooking is amazing and so hard to resist. (lol i sound so cool having my gran cook the food for my party - but my gran is pretty darn cool herself :) and acts a lot younger than her age. they have a massive farm house so and garden so just provide us with a place to party, food and drinks and leave us alone - have done since we were 15, so all my friends adore her)

in anticipation of this weekend, i've been eating really well - probably too well as i need to maintain, but i can do that after my binge fest. i even had a sandwich with 2 slices of bread, no butter though. but i did have about 10g cheese. was good :) i think i've over estimated amounts and stuff, and my overall intake was still 860.

getting better.

emotionally - today was okay. no real ups or downs, just a whole load of middle. i did feel a bit guilty earlier because i was relieved that my boyfriend wasn't coming in tonight. i was grateful for a break from playing happy - its tiring. but tomorrow will be okay - were going out drinking for a friends leaving do, so after a couple of drinks happy will come easy (ha- alcoholic? :P)

thank you guys for your comments, and for your blogs, they brighten up my day :)
i am still deciding whether to upload a picture of myself - i keep on changing my mind if i feel good or bad about the way i look at the moment. maybe i will tomorrow :)