warning: explicit content

i really hope that the following photos don't cause any cravings / binges, i just wanted to show you guys what i was up against!!

sooo, Saturday evening was my party. i was going to try and fast all day, but that didn't happen - had chocolate raisins for breakfast and sampled some cheese, onion and apple pastry rolls and some pasta when we were setting up.

sooo, i honestly think i ate about a minimum of 6000 calories that night, the food was just so good, and even though i was feeling sick i couldn't stop myself from eating. i have literally never felt to sick in my life! it was so painful. and it had absolutely nothing to do with alcohol, it was purely the food because i am such a piggy. and i still couldn't make myself sick!! even though i was drunk! what is up with that?!

so i eventually reached my absolute limit and stopped eating (after loads of pasta, rice, sausage rolls, crisps, pizza, chicken, coronation chicken, sausages, veggie pastry things, brownies, cheesecake, cupcakes, and about 5 slices of millionaires shortbread. and probably other stuff!)

the next day i was still feeling soooo sick and ill so i "didn't have breakfast" but was nibbling on sausage rolls, crisps and brownies. then we had a roast dinner - i had a teeney one, which i felt was okay, but then had double helping of chocolate fondant pudding, and ate a load of leftover roast potatoes that were left on the table later in the day and a "little" slice of birthday cake. i have no idea how i managed to fit all that food in me!

so its nearly 4 the next day (Monday) and i have not been hungry all day, still been feeling a little sick, so haven't eaten anything, yay (i suppose). my mum knows I've been feeling sick, and i was like sort of retching all day yesterday, so she's just gonna do a chicken salad tonight. hopefully ill be able to play up the sick card as much as possible and leave some or get her to give me a tiny amount of chicken.

i feel really guilty, i am such a fatty. apparently I've put on 4 pounds (so am 110), but I'm not going to say that's a definitive weight yet - last night it said i put on half a stone but that was still because I've had loads of food in me, and well ... I've been visiting the toilet loads, so it may go down again tomorrow!
110 was a weight i was thinking of reaching, but not over 2 days!! that's why i feel so guilty about it, but it may go down tomorrow (hopefully!)

i was definitely in a "its my party so i am allowed to binge!" mindset, but i wont allow myself to carry it on at all! my mum has the day off on Thursday which is my birthday, so i may have to cut myself some more slack there, but i will try as hard as possible to keep my intake down low in the day, as my boyfriend is taking me out to dinner that  night, so that will be a tonne of calories too. and ill allow myself a "small" slice of birthday cake (its impossible to get a small slice with this cake!!)

These are the worst offenders - home made millionaires shortbread - she may have just served up crack cocaine! i guess about 500 calories a square? and a pound gained with each one!

biggest.cake.ever!

earlier today i helped my mum bake and decorate my birthday cake. massive is not the word for it! she asked me to make an A4 template for the icing decoration because that was roughly how big the cake tin was. i thought that was pretty big, but there's a lot of people for it to feed, so okay! she borrowed the tin from work (she's a chef in a school) and oooomg. huuuge! okay, A4 sized, but i thought it was going to be about a couple of inches deep - well they are, but there are two! so it's about 6 inches high. with TEN eggs in and about THREE blocks of butter. weight watchers jam (ha!) in the middle and fondant icing on top. and a design of noddy :) the theme is children's TV characters - he was my fave :)

ooooh my, that's a big cake!

i am making sure that theres none left over after the party. keeping with the kids theme, if there's any leftover cake, everyone can be sent home with a party bag and a slice :)

that will definitely help me increase my calories! but theres no way i am not going to restrict for a few days after my party, there is going to be sooo much food and i will feel so guilty - my grans cooking is amazing and so hard to resist. (lol i sound so cool having my gran cook the food for my party - but my gran is pretty darn cool herself :) and acts a lot younger than her age. they have a massive farm house so and garden so just provide us with a place to party, food and drinks and leave us alone - have done since we were 15, so all my friends adore her)

in anticipation of this weekend, i've been eating really well - probably too well as i need to maintain, but i can do that after my binge fest. i even had a sandwich with 2 slices of bread, no butter though. but i did have about 10g cheese. was good :) i think i've over estimated amounts and stuff, and my overall intake was still 860.

getting better.

emotionally - today was okay. no real ups or downs, just a whole load of middle. i did feel a bit guilty earlier because i was relieved that my boyfriend wasn't coming in tonight. i was grateful for a break from playing happy - its tiring. but tomorrow will be okay - were going out drinking for a friends leaving do, so after a couple of drinks happy will come easy (ha- alcoholic? :P)

thank you guys for your comments, and for your blogs, they brighten up my day :)
i am still deciding whether to upload a picture of myself - i keep on changing my mind if i feel good or bad about the way i look at the moment. maybe i will tomorrow :)