pulling socks up

and cutting the crap.

this binging is stopping.

dukan diet.

protein.protein.protein.

with a little sugar from fruit smoothies. i know you can't on dukan, but i read this today.

Did you know that Refined Table Sugar is actually now CLASSIFIED AS A DRUG because:

1- Eating sugar makes you physically CRAVE MORE of it.

2- Eating sugar causes your body to release pleasure chemicals  as it stimulates the same part in the brain that cocaine and heroine use does, 

3- When you try to 'come off' of sugar you have withdrawal symptoms equal in severity to someone who is going through withdrawal from cocaine or heroin.

fucking heroin.

and i know it. i hurt without sugar. so i'll try to wean myself off it.

i had 2 binge free days last week. this week i aim to beat that.

ana ... i beg of you. help me.

will i ever get there?

so ive not posted in ages, ive been cruuuuising round the baltic capitals.

and with the meals being all inclusive it was quite easy to eat regulary. apart from on the last day i binged. and then again when i got home. fuuuuck, here we go again.

although today was good. and hopefully i'll be starting a job as a dinner lady, so routineroutineroutine!!!

hitting the gym asap!

some thinspo because i am fed up of being a failure

i will post properly when my weight and diet is more acceptable!!!!

gabrielle
1. What did you want to be when you were little?
    a teacher

2. What outfit are you wearing right now?
   blue stripy pyjamas

3. Father or mother?
    mother

4. Dog or a cat person?
     catcatcat!!

5. If you could have a dinner party with five famous people, alive or dead, who would they be, and why?
    ooooh, good one. shakespeare!! erm zooey deschanel, because she is awesome, natalie portman (girl crush!) c.s. lewis and j.k. rowling - because i love them!

6. Describe yourself this year in three words.
     dying, recovering, struggling


7. Do you remember your childhood as: a) traumatic, b) blissful, or c) conventional?
     conventional


8. If tomorrow, you had to pick between taking a pill that would make you forever thin, or a pill that would make you forever happy, which pill would you take?
    forever thin, because then i would be happy or at least would have the time to focus on trying to make myself       happy without worrying about being thin


9. Your earliest memory?
          having to go to bed with socks on my hands to stop myself from scratching my chicken pox. i was  probably about three


10. Who do you miss at this moment in time?
     my boyfriend. my university friends. my friends from home that are away at university.


11. Who do you adore the most today?
       *soppy eyes* him <3


allison

why did you start blogging, and what are you trying to achieve with it?
    originally it was just like a place to vent. then i stopped. then i came back with the intention of losing weight and keeping a record of it

- what's your favorite music, TV show, color and food, and why?
      "indie" rocky stuff - it just appeals to me more. errrm, at the moment its Fresh Meat, its hilarious. Purple. Asian food is nom!

- what does a typical day look like in your life?
    at the moment, get up, take pills, shower, attempt to eat breakfast with as little binging as possible. go to the gym to work off over eating at breakfast. promising self that i wont binge. going out, buying loads of food. binging. not being able to purge. skipping dinner and annoying my mum. going to bed hating myself.
fun fuuuuun!!

- what's your biggest dream?
    to travel the world

- what scares you the most?
    being stuck in this town forever with a shit job and a shit house and getting fat

- do you want to lose weight, and what's your goal, and do you think you'd be happy there?
     yesss!!! 100 pounds and i know i will be happy there because i was happy there 2 times before

- what do you fear by losing weight?
not being able to stop again

- what do you think has made you wanting to lose weight?
ow self esteem, insecurities, distorted body image, competition, need for control

- can you describe yourself, and what you like about your appearance?
       erm... no.
       i quite like my hair colour, but thats from a bottle anyway

- how do you act among others?
     happier and more confident than i feel

- what do you do in your spare time?
     binge :(

fuckfuckfuck

today was going great, burned 300+ at the gym, didn't eat too much.
then i went to see Kate
she made me feel crap
i binged.

a tub of ice cream, 4 puff pastry mince pies, several packets of crisps and a few bowls of rice crispies.
what the fuck is wrong with me? that is so disgusting and messed up!!!
why is it that i get all worried about calories in a standard meal, and will freak out if theres a bit of cheese or something on it, but when i am in binge mode, any thing goes.
i refuse to let my mouth be a waste bin any more.
fatfatfatstupidfatfailure.

but Kate discharged me. i don't have to answer to her any more. i don't have to have my weekly lecture about "alarm bells" "slippery slope" and "sitting on the fence with one foot in your illness and one foot in recovery"

i feel so crap, i even cried. which never happens. probably because i am cutting down on my citalopram so i can wean myself onto venlafaxine.
i am just so unhappy at this weight.
i am going on the slimfast diet properly.
not eating anything apart from slimfast and soup.

i'll do this for the rest of the week. next tuesday i am going on a cruise with my friend G from hospital. hopefully that will kick start some more "normal" eating, although going to Dublin didn't really do that. I just wont buy any snacks so i never have food on me.

i think my goal of 100 pounds by new years eve is a bit unrealistic.
but i will get there one day soon, i promise.

11 things about me

for Nicole S.

Rules:

- When you receive the award, thank the person who gave it to you, and include their link in your blog.

- Post 11 things about yourself.

- Answer the 11 questions of the person who nominated you.

- Choose up to 11 bloggers with less than 200 followers.

- Create 11 questions for your nominees!

- Inform the nominees of their nomination. 

• I have dyed red hair
• I have three tattoos and counting
• I have a hamster called popcorn that my mum let me get after I tidied my room (I am 20, not 12!!)
• I went to University in Birmingham for a year and a term before I had to drop out
• I was an inpatient in an ED unit for 4 months, then a following 2 months in their intensive non residential unit
• I have traveled a little bit, but i have such itchy feet, I need more!! 
• I honestly think that I used to have a nutella addiction
• I am vegetarian
• I still sleep with my teddy bear from when I was a baby
• I am quite arty
• I used to be a dancer

1. Tell the story of your most embarrassing moment.
     oh god, do i really want to say?! erm, i suppose one is when i was in hospital and i dropped the jug i had  to pee in so they could measure my fluids all over the floor because i was too weak to hold it. it was like a litre jug and it was full. then i cried a lot.

2. Do you have any brothers or sisters? How many?
    i have one little brother

3. Talk about your hobbies/favorite activities.
     i like to read a lot. and go to the cinema. i love drawing, but only when it goes right, which isnt very often!

4. What's your dream job?
     something with children. like day care. in london.

5. What are some things you hope to accomplish before you die?
     to travel as much as possible! to get married and have a family. to live in london.

6. What was your favorite childhood TV show or movie?
     my fave movie is either Cinderella or Mary Poppins. TV show - Noddy or The Wild Thornberrys

7. If you could remove all the calories from any 1 food, what would it be?
     just one?! hmmm, butter, because thats in cake and flapjack etc! can i just choose puddings? :P or fat haha.

8. If you were a super hero, what would your super power be, and what would your super hero name be?
     i would be able to time travel, and i would be allowed to change things in the past to make the future good without any of that butterfly effect rubbish. and i would be called Xena

9. What does your ideal vacation look like?
     travetraveltravel. maybe a world cruise, or a massive road trip.

10. Describe the first time you ever drank alcohol or took drugs.
      gosh, i cant remember the first time i drank, i used to drink with my family when i was younger. the first time i took drugs, i could rip bongs better that all the guys there. and i remember loving the feeling!

11. What's your favorite thing about your home town?
      its in the countryside but very close to cities / bigger towns

i choose
ninaofthenight
Peridot
The Lovely Bones
waiting for repairs
sara.alexis
bella




my questions:
1. what is your guilty pleasure?
2. what animal would you be any why?
3. what is your favorite holiday? (christmas etc)
4. what talent do you wish you had?
5. if you could be any movie character, what would you be?
6. would you go into space if you could?
7. what is your favorite mythical creature?
8. if you could prevent one food from ever being invented/discovered, what would it be?
9. what is your favorite brand?
10. tea or coffee?
11.your favorite feature?

big fat failure

i refuse to have that stamped on me any more.

so my november weight loss plans went down the drain. 100lb by the end of november? no, try 114. although the scales did go up to 118 at one horrific point, so i think i've done okay to get back to 114 while still binging every now and then. talking of binging, i tried to make a plan - to have a planned controlled 1000 calorie binge, and then burn at least 500 at the gym. kind of went to plan. i burned the 500, but obviously the 1000 calories are now probably nearer 2 or 3 thousand as i binged after the gym too. genius.

i was thinking of maybe allowing myself one binge day a week. so i wont feel so guilty and then i can spend the rest of the week preparing for it. so that was today. we'll see how that goes.

i've bought some appetite controllers from boots. they have some fiber in them that swells to 50 times its original size so helps you feel full. hopefully they work they cost £25! i also have these other pills which seem to be working so far. just not fast enough!!

as citalopram isn't working for me, i've been prescribed venlafaxine. i'm hoping the transition to that might curb my appetite a bit.

last night i promised my boyfriend that i wouldn't cut anymore. i intend to keep that promise.
now i am promising you that i will be 100lb by new years eve, and that i will cut down my binging till i stop.

i fully intend to keep that promise too.