i don't know what to say...

but i need to say something.
i know i said i left.
i don't know why i'm back, it was just an automatic thing - i haven't opened blogger in so long, it feels strange.

i just binged.
rice krispies, cornflakes - pretty much the lowest calorie and fat cereal, but it was still a binge. it was like i was possessed - outside of my body. i didn't have control of my hands as my brain screamed at them to stop stuffing the food into my face. i crushed up the rest of my boxes and flushed them down the toilet. i stuffed my last three cereal bars in my mouth and spat them down the toilet too. i took too many laxatives.

it's not the first time i have had a possessed binge. the last week has been littered with them - it was because i went home after being at uni for a month and went completely crazy to be surrounded by such bad (well ... different) food. it was either all or nothing - i couldn't just have one biscuit - i had them all.

i am a mess.

86 pounds.

my hair is pretty much gone, my skin and nails are horrific. i look like a skeleton. i feel like i am going to pass out all the time.

i don't feel real - i feel disconnected.

i have asked for help. i told my mother and my boyfriend. they are too good for me, i don't deserve them. i have told 2 of my friends, although one a lot more. i have been to the doctors, but i have to keep pestering them as i haven't heard from the place they referred me to.

i am scared. i think - i don't really have emotions any more.

i am sorry. sorry to have been a stranger and then to suddenly reappear with nothing positive to say.

my blood test sheet is staring at me. someone else's elses handwriting says "eating disorder"

i want to cry, but i am too empty.